459 - Macho Salad toppings, Dandy New Non-Abusive Sports Teams, The First Anxious Mistake Of Mr. McGreen, But Women Don't Have A Fire Hose, The Enema Of The Russian People, and Totally Bitchumen Bottles

[8:46 AM] Mr. Brown:

I found out at the doctor yesterday that I'm even more rare.

[8:46 AM]

Yay!

"Well we ran some tests, and according to your scores on the Mr. Rogers Spectrum, you are Special."

What's rare about you?

[8:47 AM] Mr. Brown:

Doctor believes I have Brutons now instead of CVID

That is 1 in 250,000

CVID is 1 in 25,000

So I went up a bit

LOL

Apparently the father of Immunology was a general in the army - last name Brutons

so the first thing he discovered named after himself.

Probably not the first to look into immunology but the first to start finding things and treating them.

Dang there are a lot of Brutons

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ogden_Bruton

[9:02 AM]

"Brutons!  Croutons for MEN!"

(Hairy hand sweeps green salad off table, slams down 32 oz steak.  Bread cubes start falling onto it from above.)

"Forget girly 'Italian Spice' and 'Garlic Butter'!  Brutons come in 'Beef Jerky', 'Habanero Hell', and 'Jack Daniels'!"

[9:14 AM] Mr. Brown:

But Caesar salad has croutons

[9:35 AM]

Hmmm...yes...and some of the Caesars really kicked ass.  I must add a Caesar variety...

"And the latest flavor - “Caesar Slayer”!  The croutons you have to eat with a knife!" (spokesman stabs crouton with Roman dagger)

(Bemuscled spokesman pointing at screen, scowling.) "Eat tu, Brutons?"

[9:36 AM] Mr. Brown:

Be careful not to turn your back on a salad with Brutons

[10:50 AM] Mr. Blue:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/London_Rippers

[11:18 AM]

"was felt to represent Jack the Ripper"

I don't get it...there are no clues in the name or logo or anything. What's this association they were making?

[11:19 AM] Mr. Blue:

LOL

Ontario “Zodiac Killers”.

[11:23 AM]

Fortunately for the Abused Women's Center, other sports teams pick strong non-female-abusive non-violent themes for their teams... Like vikings, and pirates and cavaliers and such.

The Rippers are being relaunched as the "London Fops”, I hear.

New mascot - https://78.media.tumblr.com/51f3a32ec2cd213e1adab4de6db04ee7/tumblr_nsxx5sITO21r3d24lo1_250.jpg

[11:27 AM] Mr. Blue:

They could glue a powdered wig to their helmets

[11:27 AM]

Refurbish the clubhouse as The Macaroni Club and impose a dress code

[11:28 AM] Mr. Blue:

Oops... Thought it was a hockey team... Their hats, I mean.

[11:30 AM]

(Sportscaster) "Stevensen up to bat.  He hands his lace kerchief to the base lad and strikes a dandy left-handed pose with his hand resting upon the knob of the bat and gazes towards third base with his right hand on his hip. Here's the pitch...Strike one!”

(Sportscaster two) “So stylish! Stephenson didn't even break his stance to lift the bat. He's now staring the pitcher down with his quizzing glass in conspicuous disdain..."

[11:30 AM] Mr. Blue:

LOL

That could be a fun sport

Dandy Ball

or Fop Ball

[11:32 AM]

"Boy? Strike that cheeky missile for me, if you'd be so kind.  And then call up my sedan chair...I wish to proceed to first base."

(You might have noticed that Ms. Rose disappeared a good while back with no exit story.  We never got a real one either, though we all had our suspicions about what happened.  Back in the heroic Golden Age everyone in our department was in here.  This collection and blog started near the middle of the post-apocalypse Silver Age and has dwindled down to our Bronze Age core of "Three - Plus".  I'd like more participants - including several Instant Mess veterans who are still at Katzenjammer who can't/won't play - but this is how things are recently.  Anyway, the criteria for selecting new members of this little group are a mix of serendipity and clandestine interviewing/testing.  It tends to take a long time to decide on anyone new to invite in here.  We finally got one.  Enjoy! - Mr. Silver)

[12:32 PM]

Mr. X is officially cool and clever enough to be invited in here. So...here he is...

[12:33 PM] Mr. Brown:

“Its cool to pee your pants at school!”

[12:33 PM]

Good opener, Mr. Brown. First impressions count.

[12:33 PM] Mr. Blue:

What color is he?

[12:34 PM]

He has to pick.

Some of our chats end up in a blog sometimes, Mr. X.  We use colors for anonymity and deniability.

[12:35 PM] Mr. X:

Wait. I have to make a color?

Is that what you're saying?

>.>

<.<

O.o

[12:38 PM]

Hehe

Well, you don't HAVE to...I will if you don't.

But you favor greens, I see.

[12:40 PM] Mr. X:

But I fear I will become the next Mr. Green

You either get "retired" like Tommy, or work long enough to become Mr. Green

[12:42 PM]

Feh.  I've been here ages (longer than Tommy) and I didn't crack like either him or Green.

[12:45 PM] Mr. Brown:

I'm the Brown

[12:45 PM] Mr. X:

I'm aware.

Didn't you hang up on someone once and call them stupid, Mr. Silver?

Is that true?

IDK where I heard this.

[12:57 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yes he did.

[12:57 PM]

I most certainly did not!

I told him “Oh shut UP!”

And THEN I hung up.

Why would I hang up first?

[12:57 PM] Mr. Brown:

We all get frustrated.

[12:57 PM] Mr. X:

Well I know that

[12:57 PM] Mr. Brown:

Mr. Green was in a constant state of frustration.

[12:57 PM]

Yes. Still is.

[12:57 PM] Mr. X:

I'm almost related to his family.

Through my aunt.

He is not well liked.

[12:58 PM]

His feelings towards the human race are mutual.

[12:58 PM] Mr. X:

Oh yeah

I cube shared with him and got yelled at a lot, but through notes.

[12:58 PM] Mr. Brown:

He really never bothered me

[12:59 PM] Mr. X:

No he didn't bother me really. That was it, just his notes.

About touching his stuff or adjusting the screen

I didn't touch his stuff though, so IDK what was up with that.

[12:59 PM]

Well, if you are so blessed or cursed as to be in somewhat the same gene pool as Mr. Green, I have a "relative" color and name for you, Mr. X.

"McGreen".

[1:00 PM] Mr. McGreen:

:-(

[1:00 PM]

:-D

You shoulda picked what you wanted way back there ^.

[9:20 AM] Mr. Blue:

Massive structural fire in London high rise

[9:21 AM] Mr. Brown:

That thing lit up big time

[9:21 AM] Mr. Blue:

Supposedly the fire alarm didn't work and people were only alerted to the fire by firemen knocking on doors as the building was engulfed in flames.

Mayor Sadiq Khan held a press conference saying "the fire is so small a woman could piss it out" and reportedly went back to sleep.

(Cheers if you get it)

[11:50 AM]

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2017/06/stranger-than-fiction/

"The statue is functional for severe cases as well as political executions."

[11:53 AM] Mr. Blue:

Enemas are big in Russia apparently.

[11:56 AM]

I, uh...saw what you did there...

[11:59 AM] Mr. Blue:

Not even intentional

[12:00 PM]

Heh

[9:21 AM]

Suppose that they had some sort of hippies or environmentalist shamans way back then urging people to switch to gourds? 

https://www.wired.com/story/plastic-water-bottles-might-have-poisoned-ancient-californians/

[9:24 AM] Mr. McGreen:

I have a gourd for yerba mate

[9:25 AM]

"Bitumen bottles take, like, 50000 moons to degrade, dude-sabe."

[9:26 AM] Mr. McGreen:

The Hawaiian islands are actually made from bitumen bottles.

[9:26 AM]

"It be conspiracy by Big Bottle.  Gourd farmers suffer and our papooses are drinking bad medicine."

I've met some people who I've wondered if they were bitumen bottles.

Rotund...always full of drink...toxic...look sticky.

[9:35 AM] Mr. McGreen:

That sounds like an old coworker

:x

[9:37 AM]

"an"?

[9:37 AM] Mr. McGreen:

LOL

I hope I'm never referred to as sticky.

That sounds awful.

458 - "James Bond Won't Return In 'You Only Die Once'", "Church of Our Twilight Lady of Goth", The Death Rays Of Mr. Brown, You Feel Like You Eat, Please Pay No Attention To The Glowing Not-Aliens-At-All Clouds, and "Take Me Out At The Balls Game"

[11:47 AM] Mr. Brown:

Oh no. Roger Moore is gone.

[11:47 AM]

:(

Got to 89, though.

Not bad.

[12:06 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yes, and he was fighting cancer

I keep saying I will die when I’m 85

Not sure why that number keeps popping up

[12:07 PM]

Mr. Brown's last words on 85th birthday: "...nailllled....it...."

[12:07 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yep! lol

[12:08 PM]

I'm hoping to go with something like "You'll find my gold ingots inside the..."

[12:18 PM] Mr. Brown:

My doctor gave me a theory as to why my platelets may have dropped.

[12:19 PM]

Greek bacteria celebrating a wedding?

[11:56 AM]

Silver quirk...  Any time I read Holy Sepulcher I hear "Holy Sea Plunker"

Been stuck in there for decades

[12:00 PM] Mr. Blue:

Sepulcher's a cool word

Is it CHUR or KERR?

Churches have cool names

"Church of the Savior on the Blood"

[12:04 PM] Mr. Brown:

"Grace at Calvary"

"Church of that Guy on that Big Wooden Thingy that got Stabbed in the End"

[12:05 PM] Mr. Blue:

Even better: Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood

Instead of an organ they've go a Marshall full stack

[12:09 PM]

"Our Mistress of Holy Metal"

(Church Marquee)

                    Our Guest this Sunday

                       Hon Rev Joan Jett

“Jesus Don't Give A Damn 'Bout His Reputation”

                          10AM service

Based on church names, the Goths had no fuel from the church when they got started at all.

(angsty girl, wandering aimlessly after fight with mom...looks up at church marquee... “Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow”.  Sun goes behind thick clouds, world dims.  Epiphany.)  "F- yeah!  I'm gonna dress in black lace and make everyone call me THAT!"

[12:19 PM] Mr. Blue:

I asked a Swede about all the crooked Swedish churches

He said they probably just re-used an older floor plan that pre-dated the actual town and street grid, probably pagan ones.

[12:23 PM]

"Well...when we started building those, we were mainly into building drakkar.  There's a keel under the church.  In the water it would be floating upright."

[12:24 PM] Mr. Blue:

there's a hockey team called the Drakkar

Baie-Comeau Drakkar

[12:24 PM]

Just means “dragon”

[12:25 PM] Mr. Blue:

Their logo's a longship

[12:25 PM]

Totally metal

[11:29 AM] Mr. Brown:

I'm going to make a shoe box projector tonight.

lol

I have a projector lens actually, so should work out nicely

Used to burn stuff with it

[11:33 AM]

“I'm going to make a shoe box death ray tonight.”

[2:21 PM] Mr. Brown:

I get to play with a pressure washer after work and make that projector box.

Sorry. "Death Ray"

LOL

[2:28 PM]

"Pressure Washer Death Ray"!!!

If you could get decent range on a waterjet cutter...there you go.

[2:31 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yep

Interesting weapon

Make a direct poison injection blaster - even with just using a pressure washer

[2:41 PM]

Why poison?  You can cut marble blocks with those things.

[2:42 PM] Mr. Brown:

Well I'm talking pressure washer more than cutter on the poison thing

It will jet it right into the body and take longer.

[9:24 AM] Mr. Brown:

I'm actually leaving at 12 today cause I feel like crap

I started feeling that way after eating my leftovers last night

[9:26 AM]

Oops

[9:28 AM] Mr. Brown:

Honey chipoltle chicken crispers on waffles

[9:28 AM]

???

[9:28 AM] Mr. Brown:

New thing at Chili's

https://www.chilis.com/menu/chicken-crispers/honey-chipotle-crispers-waffles

I was fine earlier in the day. When I ate them last night nope

[9:33 AM]

(2450 cal)

Perhaps you are sick because you ate more than a day's calories in fat?

Quarter Pounder with Cheese has 510

Hehe

[9:37 AM] Mr. Brown:

Possibly

It messed with everything in the tract

LOL

It made me feel like i was going to throw up a few times

I'll probably stop to get some pickles after I leave, that always seems to help.

But I feel altogether blah.

I keep getting dizzy spells

[9:53 AM]

Did you solo that pile?

[9:53 AM] Mr. Brown:

Yes

[9:53 AM]

Hehe

[9:53 AM] Mr. Brown:

With hours in between, though

Very sweet waffles

That's why I'm going to get some pickles. The brine always perks me up.

[10:00 AM]

The acids, perhaps.

They have cans of sauerkraut juice out there.

On purpose!

[10:01 AM] Mr. Brown:

The salt helps too

I just don't want to overdo it

[10:02 AM]

Too late.

[11:59 AM] Mr. Brown:

Well, see you tomorrow

I'm going to go try to recover. Maybe get some stuff done at home.

[12:00 PM]

Don't eat anymore day's worth of food. ;)

Heh

[12:00 PM] Mr. Brown:

Nope. Only light stuff for me

Pickled stuff

Lots of pickled stuff

[8:17 AM]

"They are totally barium clouds that we shot up there on purpose and not alien activity," say NASA space docs.

"We're also not aliens either, landing anything along the east coast."

http://www.popsci.com/watch-nasa-glowing-clouds

"When this reporter asked the purpose of putting clouds of barium in the sky at night, again, they merely replied 'Uh...science'."

[8:20 AM] Mr. Blue:

"We just think it looks pretty."

[8:38 AM]

(Scientist, nervous) "We're shooting up 10 cans of 3 chemicals and getting 2 colors."

(Reporter) "How does that work?  Wouldn't you get 3 colors?"

(Scientist, sweating - man in black suit/glasses/hat leans in to whisper) "Uh...Calculus.  You know calculus?"

(reporter) "No."

(Scientist) "Well. There you are, then. I can't explain it to you because of calculus." 

[8:55 AM] Mr. Brown:

"It's all very simple. We got a letter from a kid asking if we can make the sky a different color so we complied. You know. They cut our funding so we have to come up with something to do with our time"

(Pre-read update – It turned out to be a nearly fatal hit, so there's that, but I still don't like it. Sure wasn't much of a followup on it. - Mr. Silver)

[9:07 AM]

So...Scalise was shot.

He was 1st target

Not at extraordinary range...

And by that I mean I could have hit him better without my glasses on at the suggested range with regular sights.

[9:09 AM] Mr. Blue:

It sounds like Scalise was hit in the hip and will be fine

[9:10 AM] 

He gets a non-lethal hit to the hip?

Either the shooter was bad at it...or good at it...

Because he apparently did just fine against the scrambling secondary targets after his perfect surprise shot opportunity before they killed him.

[9:11 AM] Mr. Blue:

“Buddy, I said to shoot FROM the hip, not at it!!!”

[9:11 AM]

My “Paranoidman” sense is tingling.

Even if there was a surprise motion and he missed the intended target, why aim so low anyway?

Crotch shot?  Symbolic?

[9:12 AM] Mr. Blue:

Maybe