Day 287 - "An Inventory Room Carol", Give Me A Hottie With Hot Tea Please, The Newest Childrens Best-Seller, The Sea Turtle Just Made A Nice Change At Mealtimes, Cry Me A Quarry, The End Of The World Will Be Seen On The Weather Channel, Dark Chocolate Agent Of Doom, "Flying Babel Of Fury", The Old Gods Weren't Very Good Disciplinarians, Code Hobo, and One Dipstick Check Can Easily Ruin A Good Maneuver

Mr. Yellow

Gah!  They had the garage door open here for 20 minutes, and now it will not warm back up in here.

11:06 AM Mr. Silver

That sucks.

11:06 AM Mr. Yellow

Yep

Doing a report and my hands are freezing.

11:07 AM Mr. Silver

Yellow Cratchit

11:08 AM Mr. Green

Yep, my fingers are numb just from smoking.

11:09 AM Mr. Yellow

I wish I had a candle.

11:10 AM Mr. Green

I wish I didn’t feel like Cratchit working here...

11:15 AM Mr. Silver

"One more employee review like that, Green Cratchit, and you'll be celebrating Christmas by losing your situation!"

"…or just celebrating..."

"WHAT WAS THAT!?!"

"Nothing sir."

11:16 AM Mr. Green

LMAO!

Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2548242/US-Army-reveals-portable-holodeck-train-soldiers-battlefield.html

1:29 PM Mr. Brown

OK. They need an elven maiden with giant knockers over a tag line “I need a hero”.

I must play that game.

LOL

1:30 PM Mr. Gray

A holodeck would add a totally new dimension to "Hey guys, I wrote up a new D&D adventure to play!"

1:31 PM Mr. Silver

Eh. The first axe swing and there would be a hole in the screen

"Got him!"

1:32 PM Mr. Blue

Why would you ever leave the holodeck?

I’d just live in one.

1:39 PM Mr. Silver

"Every time I turn off the lights and get in bed, I wake up the next morning and find I'm on the floor under it."

The food is better out here, for one.

1:40 PM Mr. Brown

I just wish I had a machine that made me whatever I wanted, food and drink wise.

That would be awesome.

“Protein shake and some chicken, please.”

Beep boop! Ding!

1:40 PM Mr. Silver

"Not mixed together this time."

http://www.technovelgy.com/ct/content.asp?Bnum=1385

1:41 PM Mr. Blue

You could have anything and you'd ask for a protein shake and chicken?

I have protein shakes and chicken already.

1:41 PM Mr. Silver

"Unicorn steak, please."

1:42 PM Mr. Blue

"How about some scalding-hot ramen and a flat diet coke."

1:43 PM Mr. Silver

I've had that meal, Mr. Blue.

1:43 PM Mr. Blue

"A piece of moldy bread and I’ll just eat around the mold. Thanks."

1:44 PM Mr. Silver

Will the blog readers get that last reference...that's my question.

"The house from Hansel and Gretel, please. Ooo! But made of bacon!"

1:45 PM Mr. Brown

“I would like Gretel from that recent movie, please.”

Ding!

“Thank you, machine!”

LOL

1:48 PM Mr. Blue

Gemma Arterton?

1:48 PM Mr. Brown

Yes

8:42 AM Mr. Blue

Mr. Brown, you always end up starting some shit when you're out.

8:44 AM Mr. Brown

I know.

All I do is sit there and eat my food and shit happens.

Let’s just say I’m always there for the shit.

LOL

8:53 AM Mr. Silver

Isn't that the sequel to "Everybody Poops"?

"All I Do is Sit There and Eat My Food and Shit Happens" by Minna Unchi

9:59 AM Mr. Brown

Hey, you see that article about the guy that survived at sea for 13 months on turtle blood?

9:59 AM Mr. Amethyst

Yeah. LOL

9:59 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah. Sounds made-up.

9:59 AM Mr. Brown

You will get water from that, but I don't think it would be enough.

10:00 AM Mr. Blue

He looks pretty...rotund.

10:01 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, he doesn't seem very messed up.

He must have had somebody else with him and he ate him, which is why he “doesn't remember anything.”

10:05 AM Mr. Silver

"I survived on nothing but turtle that I caught with my own hands...oh, and the stuff in the galley."

"Stuff?"

"All the canned goods and stuff.  Man...I always felt so stuffed. I musta put on 30 pounds."

7:51 AM Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2551386/Girl-cries-STONES-instead-tears.html

7:58 AM Mr. Silver

@ Brown I've pooped a brick, does that count?

7:58 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

I think somebody is faking it.

7:58 AM Mr. Silver

No!  Can't be!

7:58 AM Mr. Brown

Well, they always seem to do that: cry blood, cry rocks, next lets cry salt!

7:58 AM Mr. Silver

Cry eyeballs!

7:59 AM Mr. Amethyst

Eww!

Creyeballs!

10:09 AM Mr. Blue

Why are they naming snow storms? I don't remember this even last year.

10:10 AM Mr. Amethyst

Nah.

Just sensationalism.

"Hey, its gonna snow a lot" vs "Hey! Mega-storm Maximus is about to destroy the Northeast!"

10:15 AM Mr. Blue

Yep.

It kind of sucks though, because when something actually serious happens they'll have no way of raising the alarm.

"Folks, we were just being dramatic before. But this one is actually going to be catastrophic!"

10:21 AM Mr. Brown

“BAZINGAPOCALYPSE!”

10:21 AM Mr. Amethyst

Mr. Blue, you're right. If they keep telling us the world is ending, what will they say when its actually ending?

10:22 AM Mr. Brown

They will just post “FUBAR” on all the TV channels and head for shelter.

With a crawler: "If you can read this you're not dead yet, but you will be soon."

10:23 AM Mr. Amethyst

LMAO

10:25 AM Mr. Brown

Cut to weather man outside during the apocalypse.

"Yes, I can hear you! Well, what we've got right now is loud screaming and brimstone! Fire is falling from the sky and the dead are walking! Later this afternoon we have a 10% chance of rain! Back to you!”

10:28 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

10:46 AM Mr. Blue

Heheh

10:49 AM Mr. Blue

"Thanks Chuck... That rain will be a nice change from all the brimstone. And now our top story tonight: a city councilman accused of embezzlement..."

Mr. Brown

1.5 ton cocoa Pope

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2553134/Id-bowl-Coco-Popes-Francis-presented-chocolate-statue-Vatican.html

1:11 PM Mr. Blue

Yum!

1:13 PM Mr. Silver

Mmmm...Evil chocolate pope.

Look at that expression on its face.

Pope "It is beautiful.  How did you craft it?"

Artist "With the help of Satan and that stolen pope blood that was reported in the news.  Oh...you meant what tools and such...um...heh."

Pope "It seems a shame to eat it." 

Artist "After the full moon tonight, you won't have to worry about it.”

Headline: "Pope Suffers Delicious Assassination At Hands Of Chocolate Golem"

1:26 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

10:50 AM Mr. Brown

I watched “Man of Tai Chi”

Everybody spoke in there respective languages.

11:59 AM Mr. Silver

All of them spoke in their native language? I can just imagine the subtitles. 

"You cannot defeat me!"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"I didn't catch that."

"Do you speak Mandarin? Does anyone here speak Mandarin?"

"What? Do you speak Korean?"

"What was that?"

12:02 PM Mr. Blue

Heheh

12:06 PM Mr. Silver

"Action A+, dialogue F" - Boston Globe

"Much more entertaining with the subtitles off" - Medved Report

Mr. Silver

http://cryptidz.wikia.com/wiki/Bunyip

These bits of folklore always get me.

3:06 PM Mr. Silver

“One legend says that a man named Bunyip broke the Rainbow Serpent's greatest law by eating his totem animal. Banished by the good spirit, Biami, the man became an evil spirit that lured tribesmen and their livestock into the water so he could eat all of them.”

So...the bunyip’s "punishment" was to live on and kill people and livestock.

Um...Might I suggest a lightning bolt to the face as a better plan?

"You committed an act so foul and so evil that I'm...MAKING YOU AN IMMORTAL KILLER!  Now you'll be sorry!"

Those myths are full of stuff like that.

3:12 PM Mr. Brown

If killing is something that he hates, then it’s a good punishment.

3:17 PM Mr. Silver

I suppose that might be a good punishment for him, Mr. Brown, but it doesn't work out for anyone else.

"The death toll is already up to 15, but I'm so glad the gods didn't let that bastard get off easy with death or imprisonment."

Somewhere along in the Christian era, the Devil character started giving these Immortal Killer rewards, but the older stuff is just backwards. 

3:20 PM Mr. Brown

Yeah.  As a Devil gift instead of a punishment, it makes sense.  “You do nice work.  Here, do it forever and be even better at it.”

12:34 PM Mr. Brown

Code Hobo, Code Hobo

12:49 PM Mr. Silver

Rodger on Code Hobo - What's your emergency?

12:49 PM Mr. Brown

Tablecloth bundles on sticks everywhere.

12:51 PM Mr. Silver

Copy.  Do we have an assessment on patched baggy pants and cooking over open fires in bean cans?  Over.

12:51 PM Mr. Brown

Negative.  Clean clothes and hair.

12:54 PM Mr. Blue

"Breaker breaker this is Team Hobo.  I’m covered in bread crumbs and I’m wearing a bean can as a hat with the can's lid as the bill of the hat.  Over."

12:55 PM Mr. Silver

"Verify clean clothes and hair.  Is this a Code Hobo or Code Hipster? Please advise.  Over."

(@ Blue - nice touch on the can hat, BTW)

12:55 PM Mr. Blue

"Wearing a barrel with suspenders.  Over."

12:56 PM Mr. Blue

(I wonder if at any point in time someone actually wore a barrel out of necessity.)

12:58 PM Mr. Silver

http://chiseler.org/post/55398919095/the-bankruptcy-barrel-a-historical-debate

1:13 PM Mr. Blue

Interesting.

Mr. Blue

Chip Hoover is over the wall saying he wishes he had a maneuver named after him – The Hoover Maneuver.

11:19 AM Mr. Amethyst

"Hold on babe, this is called The Hoover"

11:20 AM Mr. Silver

A rather uni-sex sounding maneuver.

"Oooo...that sounds kinky.  Go ahead.  AUGH!!!!!!!!  OWWWW OWWW!!!!"

11:21 AM Mr. Amethyst

…wait for it…

11:21 AM Mr. Silver

"Sorry...left the beater bar on.  Just a sec."

11:21 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

11:21 AM Mr. Silver

"Don't stop!"

"Gotta empty the bag.  Be right back."

11:22 AM Mr. Amethyst

LMAO

11:22 AM Mr. Blue

"Where’d you put the couch attachment?"

11:22 AM Mr. Brown

"Hold on - running little rough. Gotta check the dip stick."

11:24 AM Mr. Silver

(And the gag comes to a screeching halt...)

Dip stick?  On a Hoover?

11:24 AM Mr. Brown

Sorry.  I meant belt.

LOL

Day 286 - A Little Ice Age Builds Character, That Man Could Use A Drink, The Mice Put A Bell On Mr. Brown, "Drunk Celeb Non-Bigotry Exposed!", Secret Dirty Messages From Beyond The Grave, The Show Biz Scandal Machine, and You Can Always Tell When God Is Doing Updates

8:48 AM Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2541599/Is-mini-ice-age-way-Scientists-warn-Sun-gone-sleep-say-cause-temperatures-plunge.html

Figured as much…

8:53 AM Mr. Silver

"Earth Doomed By Low Sun Activity...And When We Say Earth, We Mean Life On Earth...And When We Say Life On Earth We Mean Humanity...And When We Say Humanity, We Mean 'Stock Some Food And Put On Some Long Underwear For A Couple Years You Big Babies'!"

8:53 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

I like how it says due to human activity this may not actually get that bad.

Mr. Blue

The guy that owns AA is kind of a sketchy dude.

9:43 AM Mr. Silver

Owns a distillery?

9:43 AM Mr. Blue

Sexual harassment lawsuits.

9:44 AM Mr. Silver

He should take up drinking.

9:44 AM Mr. Blue

Ah, I see where you're going with that

8:03 AM Mr. Brown

Any mouse catching tips?

They are avoiding my cat so he has not gotten any, and they are avoiding the traps currently.

8:06 AM Mr. Silver

Peanut butter is the best bait I know.

8:08 AM Mr. Brown

I have two with cheese and two with peanut butter.

8:08 AM Mr. Silver

Dress the cat to look like a mouse...the mice will be lulled into a false sense of security.

8:08 AM Mr. Brown

He appears to be doing his job, they are just smart mice.

8:08 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

8:09 AM Mr. Silver

N.I.M.H. mice, eh?

8:08 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah.

He sat in the kitchen for hours one night.

8:08 AM Mr. Amethyst

This is your expensive cat?

It sounds like you need a backup cat.

8:09 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, a pusher and a catcher.

LOL

8:09 AM Mr. Amethyst

I have one, free to good home. He's got minor defects, but is healthy and hunter-ish.

Has some cosmetic damage from previous owner and terrible balance as a result.

He also loves belly rubs.

8:10 AM Mr. Silver

Minor defects.

8:10 AM Mr. Brown

I still think I’m going to sit in the dinning room and hunt them myself.

LOL

I will dress as a big mouse and sit there with a hammer.

8:11 AM Mr. Amethyst

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSLikfW2ATXz-5kuJJoF4H4ssVS2Lj7Wz7rs4xPa5JXXRkXeYOi but less white

Also LOL @ the opossum.

8:12 AM Mr. Silver

Every time someone writes “dinning room”...and it's a lot...I picture myself in a room with all sorts of noisy clocks and such all going off at once, and me with my fingers in my ears.

8:19 AM Mr. Brown

OK, so I’m going to buy a blow gun and camp out in the kitchen in the dark, set out some peanut butter on the floor, and wait.

8:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL I've done that!

8:21 AM Mr. Brown

Or a high powered rubber band gun.

Knock them out or stun them for the cat.

I can see me sitting in the chair in the dark with the cat sitting next to me. Mouse wanders out. Thwak! Sic 'em!

8:24 AM Mr. Brown

Or I can make my own Mouse Trap game in the middle of the kitchen. The reset will suck like always.

I’m still liking the idea of an owl in the kitchen though.

8:28 AM Mr. Brown

An owl sitting on a perch in the kitchen.

Another good mouse catcher is a snake, but then you have a snake problem.

8:29 AM Mr. Amethyst

I don’t have snake problems, I have snake pets.

8:43 AM Mr. Brown

I could build a bucket trap.

A piece of string from one side to the other with a can in the middle.

Put bait on the can. The mouse wanders out to get the bait, falls in bucket with water in it, and dies.

8:45 AM Mr. Silver

Here's a variant: The basic design is the same, but you'll need lighter fluid, a flammable hoop, and a tiny unicycle for the string.

8:45 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

Mr. Blue

"Tom Sizemore captured on video smoking drugs and making racist remarks"

11:45 AM Mr. Amethyst

Who?

11:45 AM Mr. Blue

Just some actor... He was in Saving Private Ryan.

11:45 AM Mr. Amethyst

Oh

11:46 AM Mr. Brown

He was also in Super Capers.

11:46 AM Mr. Blue

I’d like to hear someone fall off the wagon and make tolerant remarks.

"Mel Gibson caught on camera drunk, goes on tolerant rant."

You never see that.

11:47 AM Mr. Amethyst

I'll do it for you.

You can film it.

11:47 AM Mr. Blue

Okay, sounds good.

11:47 AM Mr. Blue

"Those blacks, man!  They're just...really great!  Awesome at sports, and have great rhythm too!"

11:48 AM Mr. Amethyst

"And MAN! Can those Jews ever work hard and excel."

11:48 AM Mr. Blue

LOL

11:51 AM Mr. Blue

"I love the Middle Easterners.  So gung ho about Muhammad. Its really inspiring."

11:52 AM Mr. Blue

"Mel Gibson issues apology, vows he's not actually tolerant. Will check into rehab."

11:53 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL Right!

"Hey! I'm not a non bigot!"

11:55 AM Mr. Silver

"Mel Gibson Rails Against Intolerance Of Mel Gibson...Sobriety Suspected"

11:56 AM Mr. Blue

Friends, family come to Gibson's aid: "He's really not that good of a guy."

Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2544394/Can-crack-code-Web-users-help-decipher-messages-written-cancer-stricken-woman-death-family-failed-solve-20-years.html

I should do something like that when I get old

10:07 AM Mr. Silver

Scribble cryptic messages?

10:07 AM Mr. Brown

Yep.

10:15 AM Mr. Silver

The whole "Rich eccentric's treasure hunt" thing doesn't seem to be panning out for me.  I'm thinking of just making long stacks of LEGOs.

Each size and color would be assigned to a swear word or something.

10:24 AM Mr. Silver

"Wow...big string of standard red bricks here...he must have had a really bad day."

10:25 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

That would be awesome!

10:29 AM Mr. Silver

I'll put it in my will that there should be a performance of my “poems” at my memorial.  Formal dress for the audience, and a gentleman in tails who has learned the code would just recite the stacks, block to block.

8:47 AM Mr. Blue

It seems like hitting the skids and getting arrested is part of the script for these teen pop stars.

8:47 AM Mr. Silver

Who is the latest poster child for that?

8:49 AM Mr. Blue

Justin Bieber

Arrested for DUI. This one seems real, unlike the codeine thing.

8:50 AM Mr. Brown

Well yeah.

They always DUI. I think if they get caught, they think: “I'll just say who I am and get off."  And then, of course, they don't.

8:51 AM Mr. Blue

(execs meeting at Disney)

"You guys, the Justin Bieber brand is getting stale. What say we go DEFCON3?"

"Don't you think it's a little soon for DEFCON3? Britney was 25."

“No...it's time.”

*two execs walk over to a panel with buttons and flashing lights, simultaneously put keys into keyholes and turn. Red buttons pop up. They push them. Justin Bieber, sitting at home minding his own business, suddenly becomes rigid*

"MUST... COMMIT... FELONY..."

8:58 AM Mr. Silver

"Ah!"

"What!?"

"Oh crap!  Oh crap!"

"WHAT?!?"

"I just hit the 'exit limo exposing naked crotch' button!"

"Good LORD!"

8:59 AM Mr. Blue

LOL

8:59 AM Mr. Brown

“AAAAA CRAP! HE BUMPED THE 'TOTAL SLUT' BUTTON TOO!”

9:00 AM Mr. Silver

"Bieber is...um.  I mean it works, but he'll need a kilt."

9:00 AM Mr. Blue

In Lohan's case, the button got stuck down.

9:00 AM Mr. Silver

"How about a Speedo incident?"

"How would we get him in a Speedo in a LIMO?"

9:12 AM Mr. Silver

I wonder how much of this stuff happened in the good old golden age of showbiz that was covered up.

9:12 AM Mr. Blue

Dunno

Marilyn Monroe had drug issues, affairs, abortions...

9:13 AM Mr. Brown

All of it.

LOL

1:24 PM Mr. Silver

God is running updates.

We've been shifted over to the small 'temporary data' set again.

Client is located on Armbrust Ave...Previous was a Mr. Armbrust...before that a Mr. Sharp...earlier...Mrs Sharpless.

1:31 PM Mr. Blue

And I just got an ARMBRUST SERVICES. Just as I was reading your message, that contact popped up.

1:33 PM Mr. Silver

Hehehe

1:33 PM Mr. Blue

God is really...lazy.

1:33 PM Mr. Silver

Yup

God "They'll never notice."

1:34 PM Mr. Blue

God "I'll shelve world peace and mess with Mr. Silver and Mr. Blue a bit."

1:34 PM Mr. Silver

Sorry, God, but the modern information age is exposing your shortcuts and fudging.

1:36 PM Mr. Blue

God to angels "Alright boys, fun time's over! Back to answering the prayers of celebrities and top athletes."

1:40 PM Mr. Brown

"Bitches, I’ll knock you mortals back to 8-bit if you don't quit noticing the holding patterns!"