Day 131 - Hollywood Is Remaking The Wrong Movies, And Flattus Maximus Should Be Cannonized

8:59 AM Mr. Silver

Morning Mr. Blue

So...Mr. Gray and I were discussing "Horror Express" with the finale:

    Mr. Silver

    It needs a remake, honestly.

    They did a fine job with a good story for $300k, but it's pretty cheesy.

    8:27 AM Mr. Gray

    I don’t see why, if you are going to do remakes, you don’t pick more obscure ones like that 

   with good plots and instead redo something that was perfect as it was.

   8:46 AM Mr. Silver

   Yup.

   "This film never had a chance, but had good material."

9:00 AM Mr. Blue

Especially a movie that most people don't know about today.

9:00 AM Mr. Silver

So the question is...what should be remade?

9:00 AM Mr. Brown

It seems like they always take stuff that was successful, thinking it will be that way again.

9:02 AM Mr. Blue

Why not remake “Robot Monster”?

9:02 AM Mr. Silver

Mr. Blue...the man who liked "Robot Monster".

9:02 AM Mr. Blue

I liked some ideas.

9:03 AM Mr. Silver

It'd need some heavy rewrites.

9:03 AM Mr. Blue

“Devil Doll” wasn't particularly bad either.

9:03 AM Mr. Silver

Would you keep the Ro-Man costume?  You'd almost have to.

9:03 AM Mr. Blue

No, not at all.

9:03 AM Mr. Blue

I’d use the title literally...some sort of robot/monster hybrid, like Robocop. A cyborg.

9:05 AM Mr. Brown

“Troll” had a cult following.

9:06 AM Mr. Blue

“There were some films in the 80's that had generally decent premises that got overly cheesy because it was the thing to do in the 80's.

9:08 AM Mr. Brown

Wow http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Incredibly_Strange_Creatures_Who_Stopped_Living_and_Became_Mixed-Up_Zombies

9:08 AM Mr. Blue

Yep, I've seen it.

9:12 AM Mr. Silver

“Carnival of Souls”?  Though that one may be already perfect as-is, if generally unknown.

9:13 AM Mr. Brown

They could probably do “Howard the Duck” better.

9:14 AM Mr. Silver

You mean, like, doing something related to the character, and giving him the personality he should have had?

9:14 AM Mr. Blue

Remake “Bride of the Atom/Monster” with real actors and a real set and a real director. And a real octopus. You might have something there.

9:16 AM Mr. Silver

Big budget “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. With, like, sets. And acting.

Zombies are big...it's a zombie film.

I mean, if I was to pitch Hollywood a story about an alien invasion on a planetary scale (instead of a small cemetery in a back yard) using the animated dead for troops...

Box office gold, no?

Change the title...have P9FOS playing on TVs in the background all through it...

9:21 AM Mr. Brown

Hinting to the original with Easter eggs.

9:21 AM Mr. Blue

I don't know. The original idea behind the movie is that aliens are trying to warn humans that we're "being destructive". So they sent electronic impulses to the brains of the recently deceased so they rise from the dead and, for some reason, start killing people.

9:21 AM Mr. Blue

The aliens could just come down and, like, tell us.

9:22 AM Mr. Brown

But then there would be no zombies!

LOL

9:22 AM Mr. Silver

I see a poster of a tattered corpse with an alien weapon in it's hands.  Tagline:  "The future is where we will spend the rest of our lives." 

9:23 AM Mr. Blue

What if the premise was tweaked a little bit - The aliens decide we're not ready to meet them, so they start pulling tricks on Earth that appear to be of religious significance, because that's something we'll be more likely to understand and respond to. Tricks like the dead rising from the grave.

9:23 AM Mr. Silver

Interesting.

9:23 AM Mr. Blue

"We got the idea from their religious texts"

9:24 AM Mr. Brown

So they are trying to scare us into being good by making us think the world is ending?

9:24 AM Mr. Silver

Well, they apparently wrecked the excellent “The Day the Earth Stood Still” in the remake.

So we could un-wreck the horrible Plan 9.

9:26 AM Mr. Silver

After the false apocalypse, we could use the same brilliant line:  "You see?  You see?  Your stupid minds!  Stupid!  Stupid!"

9:31 AM Mr. Silver

I'm not certain how you'd do the reveal on that plot though, Mr. Blue.

9:35 AM Mr. Silver

Do the aliens point out the scam, and then Earth drops their mutual repentance and attacks the aliens?

9:36 AM Mr. Brown

That would get the point across that we are idiots.

9:36 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah, probably. In the film, instead of taking our medicine we are more interested in gaining technology for the military. Hence the "You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!"

9:42 AM Mr. Silver

It would be funny finale, and would correspond with the need for the spaceship to blow up at the end.

9:43 AM Mr. Silver

"Wait...it's not the end times?"

"Ha ha ha!  No!  Pitiful stupid humans, your limited intel-" 

"GET HIM!!!" 

"Augh!  Get away!" 

9:44 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, we always attack what we are scared of.

10:07 AM Mr. Blue

Perhaps cast Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) as one of the resurrected.

10:07 AM Mr. Silver

:-)

10:10 AM Mr. Silver

Who do we swap in for Tor and Lugosi?

10:10 AM Mr. Blue

vin Diesel and Christopher Lee?

Or maybe The Rock?

10:14 AM Mr. Silver

You'd replace a blob like Tor with someone physically fit?

10:14 AM Mr. Blue

Are there any blobs in Hollywood these days?

10:15 AM Mr. Silver

There must be some tubby wrestler left in the biz

"I'm Doughy Man!  Steak is my ally...butter does my bidding!"

10:18 AM Mr. Brown

John Goodman

LoL

Mr. Gray

LOL
“DUBLIN, Calif. (AP) — A stunt for the TV show "MythBusters" sent an errant cannonball through a California family's house and into a parked minivan a few hundred feet away.

The cannonball was supposed to go through a few water-filled barrels and a concrete wall. Instead, it passed over the barrels, through the wall, and then took a "very unfortunate bounce that sent the ball skyward," Nelson said.

About 700 feet away, it bounced in front of the Dublin home, then tore through the front door and out a wall on the back of the house. The projectile then bounced at least once more and crossed the road before smashing the window and dashboard of the minivan, where it came to rest.”

12:12 PM Mr. Silver

"Doing 300HP in total damage."

12:12 PM Mr. Gray

LOL

12:16 PM Mr. Silver

(3 years earlier...realtor showing the house) "And an in-ground pool in the back.  Well, that's the place.  Oh, one last thing...the Mythbusters complex is down the road." 

"I LOVE that show!  Sold!"

12:16 PM Mr. Gray

Hey I would have bought it for being close to Mythbusters. LOL!

Just wander down to see what they are doing and have a good laugh every now and again.

Wonder if their homeowners' insurance covered cannon-fire.

12:18 PM Mr. Gray

“SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) — North Dakota's state coroner says the lead guitarist for the heavy metal band GWAR died of a heart condition, but records show that a drug screening detected cocaine and opiates in his system.

Dr. William Massello III, the state medical examiner, said in his report that Cory Smoot died of "coronary artery thrombosis brought about by his pre-existing coronary artery disease." The formation of such blood clots can result in a heart attack.

Smoot, 34, had performed since 2002 under the name "Flattus Maximus" with the Virginia-based band known for its comically grotesque sci-fi/fantasy-based costumes, stage antics and vulgar lyrics.”

12:20 PM Mr. Silver

"Cory Smoot will be fired, in costume, from a cannon into a residential home by the Mythbusters.  'It's what Flattus would have wanted' said band mates."

12:23 PM Mr. Gray

LMAO

...and honestly, you are probably right! LOL

Day 130 - The Queen Of England Loves This Blog (Probably), Bane's World Bane's World Party Time Excellent!!!, Other Gift Ideas For The Jedi In Your Life, Rock Beats Blaster, Some Matron Demons Of Relationships, A Carefully Selected Pet's Name Can Alienate The Friendliest Of Neighbors, And King Conan The Bull-Barian

Mr. Silver

We got a hit from the U.K. over the weekend.

The site made an impression, I’m sure.

11:34 AM Mr. Blue

HRH?

11:34 AM Mr. Silver

That would be awesome.

11:43 AM Mr. Silver

"I say...Philip.  Come and have a look at this..."

11:43 AM Mr. Blue

Heheh!

11:45 AM Mr. Silver

Put up a “By appointment to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II” seal on the blog.

12:00 PM Mr. Silver

"We got a single hit from the U.K. and assumed it must be the queen.  Please write to us, ma’am, if this is incorrect."

12:01 PM Mr. Blue

"If we receive no response we will assume we are correct."

Mr. Brown

Does anybody know who the first Sith lord was?

11:23 AM Mr. Silver

(waits for Mr. Gray)

11:24 AM Mr. Gray

If you are asking “first” as in “once the armies of Sith died and they went to the rule of two”....then its Darth Bane.

Before that there were millions.

11:25 AM Mr. Gray

Before that there was a series of Emperors and a council of Darths.

11:25 AM Mr. Silver

Sith was a race and culture, Mr. Brown, so a “Lord” of the Sith had a different connotation way way back.

11:26 AM Mr. Gray

Yeah...so when you say Sith, you have to specify if you mean the Sith race, or the Sith Order.

11:26 AM Mr. Brown

I forget who took the first Darth name.

11:26 AM Mr. Gray

Darth is a title that existed for centuries. Way before the Old Republic.

It just means “lord” really, but a “darth” had the right to earn a place on the ruling council. Not all darths chose to be on the council though.

11:27 AM Mr. Silver

"Party on Bane!"

"Party on Darth!"

11:27 AM Mr. Gray

LMAO

 

Mr. Brown

I would like to see some light whips and light clubs.

11:47 AM Mr. Silver

A light club?

"It's a plasma club that can cut through plasteel like cheese!"

11:47 AM Mr. Gray

A short lightsaber is about all it would be.

11:47 AM Mr. Silver

"So...an its an ugly bulbous lightsaber..."

11:48 AM Mr. Gray

Yep LOL Thats what I pictured

"Why...that's not an elegant weapon for a more civilized age!"

12:10 PM Mr. Brown

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightclub

12:13 PM Mr. Silver

So a lightclub is just a greatsword.

12:13 PM Mr. Brown

Yeah.

12:13 PM Mr. Silver

What a stupid choice of a name.

12:16 PM Mr. Silver

Light fauchard-fork!

12:23 PM Mr. Silver

Light yoyo!

It requires a special pair of gloves to use.

"I call this trick 'Burnin' A Thermonuclear Hole In The Dog'."

12:25 PM Mr. Brown

You could make the gloves out of that material that light sabers can't penetrate.

12:32 PM Mr. Silver

I'd suggest just dressing in that material, honestly.

 

Mr. Blue

When you think about it, the Ewoks are pretty ridiculous. It wouldn't take much for the Empire to completely wipe them off the planet. The Ewoks are probably more out of place in a fight than Jar-Jar. They're about the equivalent of wallabies that can wield wooden spears, yet they somehow fend off the Empire.

3:05 PM Mr. Silver

They're far more advanced than wallabies with spears.

3:06 PM Mr. Gray

I always loved the fact that everyone went "Aww, they're so cute!” and ignored the fact they were going to EAT everyone in the group when they were captured.

3:06 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

3:06 PM Mr. Silver

Fend off the Empire? The Ewoks and imperials were probably ignoring each other until the "heroes" showed up, exploited the Ewoks' faith, and convinced them to attack.

3:07 PM Mr. Brown

It just shows that a good big rock can work better than a blaster.

LOL

3:07 PM Mr. Silver

The big rock does damage by the impact and inertia of a large mass. It is entirely possible that the walker designers never considered any provision for defense against anything but “advanced” energy and blast weaponry and the designs just couldn't handle rocks. Who in the galaxy hurls big rocks?

3:08 PM Mr. Gray

Rock beats blaster. I need to remember that one for rock-lightsaber-blaster next game that I play of it.

3:08 PM Mr. Brown

Kinda like Arnold Schwarzenegger's character taking out the Predator with sticks

and logs.

3:08 PM Mr. Silver

(Imperial vehicle designer 1) "How is the new AT-ST against big rocks or swinging logs?"

(IVD 2)"Who cares?"

(IVD 1) "True...as long as it'll shed energy weapons it's cool, right? Plus we're over budget."

3:09 PM Mr. Brown

“Oh crap! We didn't test the tripping-over-a-rack-of-falling-logs scenario!”

3:09 PM Mr. Silver

"Well, general, it turns out they flop around like rag dolls and break like eggs if you hit them with large objects."

3:14 PM Mr. Silver

I imagine a couple of common telephone poles smacking into most light to medium military vehicles available even today would be bad.

3:15 PM Mr. Silver

Seeing what would happen if you swing a section of a redwood trunk at a tank would be interesting.  Call Mythbusters!

Mr. Gray

I made the mistake of saying "I never have to deal with emotional woman crap from her". Yeah...that will teach me to keep my mouth shut! LOL

Now we're gonna have to have “a talk” about that.

9:08 AM Mr. Silver

You attracted the Emotional Crap demon.

9:09 AM Mr. Silver

Minor spirit...way below Lilith...way above "Oh....nothing..."

9:10 AM Mr. Yellow

Yes, I most often say the wrong thing at times like those. I actually answer the woman and offer constructive ideas. This is not what she wants.

(Naming Mr. Gray's dog – Mr. Silver)

Mr. Silver

“Bitch” is one syllable and rather fun.

1:34 PM Mr. Gray

LOL

My neighbors would hate me though, thinking I'm screaming at a girlfriend or something. LOL

1:55 PM Mr. Silver

Even better!

How about "Loser"? The neighbors would love that too.

"He's yelling it again. Who is he always yelling at?"

1:57 PM Mr. Gray

LMAO

“Here Babyeater!! Come on Babyeater!! Dinner is ready!!”

2:02 PM Mr. Silver

Yes!

Or how about "Fire"!

2:10 PM Mr. Gray

LMAO

(Discussing the new “Conan” movie – Mr. Silver)

Mr. Yellow

I thought it lacked the epic feel of the first one, mostly because of the music.

12:44 PM Mr. Gray

Books are Conan to me. The first movie was pale by comparison.

I will agree better music would have helped.

12:46 PM Mr. Silver

Music can make or kill a movie

I always considered the first Conan movie as "Conan when he was a kid", then fast forward a few years for most of the Howard stories, even though they took bits of the Howard stories for the movie.

12:47 PM Mr. Yellow

The way it was filmed made it more like a TV movie than an epic.

12:49 PM Mr. Yellow

I did not have that same feel after seeing the film like the Arnold Conan.  When I saw Conan in the theater years ago, I walked out, like, “Wow! That was great!” and quoting all the lines.   I got done with this film and was like “Yes, that was a good movie.”

12:49 PM Mr. Silver

(Conan) "Did I ever tell you about how I went after the cult of Set when I was 17?"  (tells movie story)

"That's BULL and you know it, Conan.  By Crom!  Every time you tell these stories you change stuff and mix it up." 

"Hehe...yeah..."

"Listen to the ever-honest King of Aquilonia, guys!  Pfft!  Just last WEEK you told us the dead Atlantean king from the Set story stood up and chased you around his tomb." 

"Ok...ok...I embellish sometimes.  Lets have more wine!  Drink up and I'll tell you about the pirate queen!"

(room groans)

Day 129 - Maybe If Oddjob Was Written As A Mexican, Enjoy A McMontezuma's McRevenge, A True Gentleman Requires No Anesthetics, The New Feel-Up Bra Lifts & Separates & Twiddles Just A Little At The Nips, Pop Goes The Rifle

9:08 AM Mr. Brown

I wonder if anybody ever made a film “Attack of the Killer Sombreros”

9:12 AM Mr. Blue

Yes.

I have.

It got mixed reviews. Migrant Worker Monthly gave it 2 thumbs up.

9:27 AM Mr. Silver

"Lacked the realism of an actual sombrero attack." -- The Chihuahua Times

11:21 AM Mr. Brown

In the news today, microbs take over the world!

11:21 AM Mr. Silver

Pft...they rule it now and always did.

11:24 AM Mr. Blue

McRibs or microbes?

11:32 AM Mr. Silver

"It all goes back to the McProkaryotes and the McEukaryotes."

1:49 PM Mr. Brown

http://imgur.com/gallery/zVrVM

1:58 PM Mr. Silver

He's taking it calmly.

2:08 PM Mr. Silver

"My assistant, Thomas, here will demonstrate a gentleman's comportment as an amputation occurs.  Please encourage your patients to study this guide before proceeding.  Cigars are optional.  Ladies should be offered a silken blindfold and tea." 

2:30 PM Mr. Brown

For when you want somebody to cup your boobs all day http://imgur.com/gallery/IDLPN

2:30 PM Ms. Amethyst

LOL

2:30 PM Mr. Brown

For the lonely woman.

2:31 PM Mr. Silver

Or just for if you like that “feel”.

2:33 PM Ms. Amethyst

I guess. I wouldn't know.

2:33 PM Mr. Brown

You have not had that feeling? LOL

2:37 PM Mr. Silver

Ms. Amethyst wouldn't know because she only gets down while she and Mr. Amethyst are wearing heavy parkas and mittens.

2:37 PM Ms. Amethyst

LOL

3:09 PM Mr. Silver

I want a .357 air rifle.  F- BB guns!

3:10 PM Ms. Red

You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

(somebody had to say it )

3:10 PM Mr. Silver

Eye out...head off...

Some of the air rifle stuff I was looking at is pretty impressive.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_gun

3:19 PM Mr. Silver

I knew there had been military issue air rifles, but not back to the 1700s

3:35 PM Mr. Brown

Pneumatic in the 1700s?  Looks good too!

Day 128 - Really Old Teenagers From Vault 4, And El Diablo Gets A Job Offer He Can't Refuse

      (I'm currently running an occasional roleplaying game based on the "Fallout" setting.  

      Our heroes were raised in a social-experimental Vault made up almost entirely of

      females -- Mr. Silver) 

8:43 AM Mr. Silver

You know, in the Fallout game - You're going to have interesting trouble dealing with men.

(Vaulter) "Yeah, you're pretty tough, 'Spikes'...but we'll only deal with the woman in charge, not her toady.  And I'll bet she'll be PRET-ty interested to hear how you've been talking behind her back.  Right guys?"

(gang leader) "...W-whut?" 

8:55 AM Mr. Gray

LOL

Yeah...all points I never realized.

Growing up in a vault of women....our clothes are probably all color coordinated, and we have  manicured hands and such. LOL

Attack of the Metrosexuals from the Vault!!

9:00 AM Mr. Silver

Well...not so awful as that.

The scouts were raised to be dead butch by design.  But yeah, in a matriarchal society where you were outnumbered 982 to 18, you probably picked up some oddities.

9:05 AM Mr. Gray

"What's up with those newcomers?”

“Them weirdos in the baby blue jumpsuits?”

9:05 AM Mr. Green

A society run by women... how can we have not picked up oddities?!

9:06 AM Mr. Gray

“Oddities” is Mr. Silver's nice way of saying "You're insane after years of emotional abuse" LOL

9:14 AM Mr. Yellow

(Three Dog) "Hello chiiiiiiildren! You are not going to believe what happened today. Apparently some metrosexuals crawled up out of a Vault long thought empty.  Word is they were all dressed in powder blue jump suits with pink accent stripes. They all had well manicured nails and perfectly done hair."

9:17 AM Mr. Silver

"They came out and are clean, people."

9:20 AM Mr. Silver

Identify the vaulters from Project Amazonia:

http://brokencitylab.org/images/full/TeenagersFromOuterSpace.jpg

lol

9:21 AM Mr. Gray

LOL

9:21 AM Mr. Silver

"Why are you dressed like that?  What's with the toy gun?"

http://www.badmovies.org/othermovies/teenspace/teenspace4.jpg

9:23 AM Mr. Silver

"Check the survival kits...holdout pistol...those really cute jumpsuits with the chevrons...hair gel...freeze-dried rations..."

9:24 AM Mr. Gray

LMAO

9:40 AM Mr. Silver

So we were just talking about "Teenagers From Outer Space"...

9:41 AM Mr. Gray

Oh were you? Interesting topic.

9:41 AM Mr. Silver

On your side Mr. Gray...

9:41 AM Mr. Gray

Ohhh...thought you started it up over here too. Hehe

9:41 AM Mr. Brown

What's considered teenaged if they are from space?

9:32 AM Mr. Silver

I only remember the one riff on that movie.  Tom Servo - "Really OLD teenagers from outer space!"

Always amazed me how many actors they got in what looked like their late 20s early 30s to play "teens".

9:32 AM Mr. Green

That's what I was thinking... they look... old.

9:37 AM Mr. Silver

"I'm in Ms Fern's freshman English class!" 

"...You, uh...mentoring her before retirement or something?"

9:42 AM Mr. Silver

I was wondering if production houses in the 50s and 60s just found it too big of a hassle to hire real teenaged actors.

9:43 AM Mr. Brown

It would be.

“Well we can't have kids kissing on film, that's against the law and morally wrong.”

9:46 AM Mr. Gray

Yeah...not many from that era that were teen stars. Maybe Elizabeth Taylor. But most "teens" seemed to be 30+ LOL

9:46 AM Mr. Blue

In "Girl In The Gold Boots" there's a 'young street tough' that's played by a 50 year old guy.

9:47 AM Mr. Gray

50 years young!

9:47 AM Mr. Brown

Wow! That is a stretch.

9:49 AM Mr. Silver

"Let's get the gang and hit the malt shop!  I'll ride my bike over to meet you there in 20 minutes after I have a shave and stop in at the VFW for a couple bourbons!"

11:33 AM Mr. Silver

A personal appeal from Wikipedia programmer Mr. Harris.  "Please send sunglasses."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Men_in_Black_Poster.jpg

11:39 AM Mr. Blue

A personal appeal from Wikipedia programmer Brandon Harris: "Come to my Tantric Yoga class at The Learning Annex!  Tea and essential oils will be provided."

11:42 AM Mr. Silver

"Turn ons: primal drumming, organic cooking, lots of weed."

That came about, BTW, because of this email from El Diablo.

(El Diablo) "I was checking on a website where I had applied for a job in the middle east to see if it was processed yet and found out I applied for another job yesterday without doing so and I can't withdraw from it because the posting is closed.  Curiosity is killing me as to what/where it is.  The only thing I know is 'site manager' is the title."

(Me) "Wait…so you “applied” for a job you didn’t apply for and can’t withdraw it or find out where or what it is?  Sounds like you just got volunteered by mysterious forces."

11:46 AM Mr. Blue

If he's accepted for the job he also can't decline it. He will be whisked away by men with thick accents in ski masks in a windowless van.

11:47 AM Mr. Gray

Yep....the Illuminati is out to get him!

Whisked away to some deep vault in the Swiss mountains never to be seen again.

11:50 AM Mr. Silver

"You vill repair ooo-foe computer, Herr Dek-heart!"

11:53 AM Mr. Blue

"Ve plan to take over ze vorld!  But our computer iz slow like das dial-up!"

11:56 AM Mr. Gray

El Diablo would fit in well.

12:01 PM Mr. Silver

(interviewer, all but hands and dossier hidden in darkness behind desk)  "El Diablo... (sifts though pages) Real name Edmund Dekkard...so...a Spaniard, then? Still have ties to the PCE?"

12:05 PM Mr. Silver

"I'm an American. What's the heck is the PCE?" 

"... Well played, Senor Dekkard..."