449 - Carrying Aliens Terms, "The Most Dangerously Expensive Game", 1950's Self-Defense Tips, Croissant Criminal, Ms. Rose Wanted Some Kind Of Jam, Giraffes Have Hard-To-Shop Body Types, and T'was A Walk On The Wild Brick Road

[3:13 PM] Ms. Rose:

Maybe I should be a surrogate. Wonder if there's any money in it. I mean, I'd be willing to carry a kid and lie about drinking too much, if there was a paycheck. Pretty sure I have the hips, and then some.

Oh, wait. Scary genes. Never mind. :P

[3:16 PM] Mr. Brown:

Is there any genetic transfer in a surrogate?

[3:16 PM]

Well...you don't typically get the fun part as a surrogate, do you?  You're just a...flowerpot...

[3:16 PM] Mr. Brown:

I mean, they put a fully fertilized egg in

[3:16 PM] Mr. Blue:

No, they're just a host

[3:17 PM] Ms. Rose:

I can be a vessel. So long as I don't have to – like – love the thing that comes out or do diaper stuff or anything.

[3:17 PM]

It'd be kind of like Alien

(negotiating surrogate deal) "And finally...I'm pretty hard into sci-fi.  I'd like the delivery to take place on a breakfast table in a space ship set with a crew."

[3:17 PM] Mr. Brown:

That's an issue with most surrogates - you get separation anxiety

[3:18 PM] Ms. Rose:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that won't be an issue for me. Since I would want to be separated from "it" the moment "it" was part of me.

It's different with cats/kittens.

[3:19 PM] Mr. Brown:

What was that 80's or 90's film where they grabbed a dude off the street then hunted him?

I keep thinking Ice T was in it

[3:19 PM] Ms. Rose:

Kninghtrider?

[3:19 PM] Mr. Blue:

The Pest?

[3:20 PM] Mr. Brown:

No

[3:20 PM] Ms. Rose:

“My Little Pony and the Case of the Dude Off the Street!”

[3:20 PM]

Some version of “The Most Dangerous Game”, clearly.

I still want to remake “The Most Dangerous Game” with boring clueless "prey"

(rich guy walks into room where 'game' started, 20-somethings milling about)

"What is this?  I gave you all 40 minutes head start and you're still here!"

"Stocked bar, dude!"

"Woo!"

"I still don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"There's no cell signal on this island, like, at all."

[3:24 PM] Mr. Blue:

Heh

[3:25 PM]

"THOMPSON!" 

"Sir?"

"You gave these buffoons the packets, right?"

"Yes sir."

"Did they read them???"

"No sir.  They pocketed the cheques and then started, as they say, partyin' down, sir."

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO TODAY!!!"

"No sir..."

[3:29 PM] Mr. Brown:

Here it is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surviving_the_Game

Says he is going to be a Hunting Guide, then hunts him

[3:31 PM]

Sounds fun

Honestly I wouldn't run either.

I'd be more inclined to hang around until they left to look for me.

"Mr. Silver stars in 'The Most God-Awful Expensive Hunting Mistake'."

(Billionaire reading note by burning wreck of helicopter) "Hi!  I realized I couldn't fly a helicopter and couldn't use it to to escape , so I blew it up.  I looked up how much they cost on your computer before formatting your hard drives.  Wow, your lordship!   I know you're rich, but I hope this was worth it!  On that note, if you haven't been there yet you'd better head over to your car collection."

[1:42 PM]

http://mentalfloss.com/article/92358/10-self-defense-tips-boxer-jack-dempsey-circa-1950

11. "Never underestimate the power of a skin-tight shirt and belt buckle to the side."

12. "Squares will talk if you ask them questions. Use it to hit him while he's off guard or ridicule him."

13. "If you can get a baby, knock him out with the baby, Baby."

[1:48 PM] Mr. Brown:

14. Remember that pinky! Do a pinky jab to the eye - fight over.

[1:52 PM] Mr. Blue:

15. Never, ever hit a broad, unless she's being extra lippy or just won't listen.

[1:53 PM] Mr. Brown:

16. Use plenty of hair oil - that stuff keeping it in place will be your best friend when deflecting a blow.

[11:14 AM]

Beginning of the week "I'm going to Aldi to get ingredients for dinner.  Anything else?"

(Mrs Silver) "Something for breakfast."

Everyone is tired of bagels and English muffins

"Fine!  I shall get croissants!"

Aldi mini croissants...

12 to the pack...

Turned out to be quite nice when I had one with breakfast next morning, probably enhanced by my investment in a block of Kerrygold butter.

I come home from work to an empty box.

“Augh!”

“What?" 

"You guys ate 11 croissants today!"

"I didn't eat ANY!"

Yes, that's right – Silver Jr. ate 11 croissants

And spent a lot of time in the bathroom...

And got lots of angry glares

So

Last night

We're at Aldi

"Croissants?"

"Sure!  I'll get to eat one this time."

"Yeah. Junior, that better not happen again."

This morning...I have a croissant

Back for lunch, Mrs. Silver away...there are 6 left in the box.

"Um..."

"I had 3, Mom had 2."  

"Oh...OK."

(Mom arrives later)

"So now that you've had an Aldi croissant, what do you think?"

"I haven't had any yet."

"BUSTED!!!"

"I swear!  I had 3!"

“Who broke into the house and stole the other two?  Can you describe him?"

"The box was short."

"No"

"I had one last night."

"No, I opened them this morning."

etc etc

So

That is the endorsement for Aldi mini croissants.

[11:24 AM] Ms. Rose:

Crack-ssants

[11:38 AM] Mr. Brown:

How is he eating that many??? LOL

[11:39 AM] Mr. Blue:

I could probably polish off a bag of normal-sized croissants

[10:54 AM] Ms. Rose:

I keep watching stuff and forgetting the things I said about it.

[10:54 AM] Mr. Brown:

Watching what?

Like movies?

[11:17 AM]

I think she's forgotten already

[11:30 AM] Mr. Brown:

LOL

[11:31 AM] Ms. Rose:

I need a new Pearl Jam tattoo.

[12:24 PM]

Like what?

[12:28 PM] Mr. Brown:

You could do a bite mark in that place where he said that kid bite that lady in that song

[12:38 PM]

Risky.  Make sure you don't forget the lyrics.  All those people online with misheard lyrics tattoos and stuff.  Have them write "Pearl Jam" and then in quotes with music notes "Oh, I I I I I'm still a guy!"

[9:01 AM] Mr. Brown:

We finished Brown Jr's giraffe diorama and gathered some facts

[9:05 AM]

School assignment I assume

[9:05 AM] Mr. Brown:

Yep.

[9:05 AM] 

Did you have to cut a hole in the shoe box for the neck to stick up out of?

[9:06 AM] Mr. Brown:

He has to state 5 facts

One issue was when Mrs. Brown and Junior made the trees, they did not see how tall the giraffe was we bought

So all the trees are shorter than the giraffe

I learned that Giraffes don't sleep a lot

[9:20 AM]

Hard to find a bed to fit...

Need to be shaped like a really long grand piano with a little pillow on the narrow end

[1:47 PM]

Damn it Lou Reed!!!!

Have had "Perfect Day" stuck in my head a week...maybe two.

People like "Walk on the Wild Side", but "Perfect Day" is...perfect.

[1:59 PM] Mr. Brown:

Replace it with Welcome to Munchkin Land

[2:11 PM]

"Dorothy Gale, hit the Yellow Brick Road...

Lookin' for Kansas everywhere she go...

Made three gay friends on the way

Killed two witches and should killed three singin'

'Hey girl, click your heels on the wild side.'

She said 'Hey girl!  Click your heels on the wild side'...

All right..."

"Ding da ding...ding ding da-dong.

Ding da ding, ding ding da-dong..."

(There's something wrong in my head...)

[2:16 PM] Mr. Brown:

LOL

Mashups

[2:23 PM]

If only there was a way to make a living writing clever spoof lyrics of popular songs.

(*With no other musical ability)

[2:23 PM] Mr. Brown:

Weird Al

[2:30 PM]

T'was a joke sir...a joke

[2:32 PM] Mr. Brown:

Haha

I'm sure Weird Al would not let you be Weird Silver

[2:36 PM]

Honestly I never though many of the early spoofs that made him famous were any good.

He got better

A lot of the old ones were about the lyrical talent level of "T'was" Poets

       "T'was the Poem Contest challenge, and all through the crowd,

       Not a talent existed, though many were loud..."

      The hopes were all raised, that before final buzzer,

      Not a single submission, would be from a 'T'was-er'."  

I will not dirty myself continuing this poem.

448 - A Lot Of My Relatives Are Swords, Much Moon Muck, Our Ratings On A Scale Of Healthy To Happy, and One Out Of Every Four Americans Weighs As Much As The Other Three

[10:15 AM] Mr. Brown:

Client last name: SWORD

King "Bring me my sword. Thank you. From now on your family will be known as Sword."

[10:25 AM]

(Ellis Island official) "Ok...nice looking family... Name?"

"Shit"

"Ex-cuse me?"

"(broken) Vee are...Shits.  Shit Family.  Meester...Meesus...Boys...girl.  All Shits."  

"Ah...um...  Welcome to America, Mr. and Mrs. ... 'S-Word'. Take this to window 4."

"Ess-Woord?"

"You'll understand in a few days. Next?"

[12:22 PM] Ms. Rose:

Tracy: "Solar outages happen mostly during the day--because that's when the sun is out!"

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

There's a reason they're not called "Moon Outages."

[12:23 PM] Mr. Brown:

Well the sun is always out, we just don't see it perspective wise

[12:23 PM] Ms. Rose:

OMG, just stop.

:P

[12:24 PM] Mr. Brown:

Also a solar interference can happen at any time if a large enough flare comes off the sun.

[12:25 PM] Mr. Blue:

It's only night time because the dark side of the sun is facing us

[12:25 PM] Mr. Brown:

DARK SIDE OF THE SUN

Pink Floyds new album

[12:25 PM] Ms. Rose:

"The B.S. Dark Side of the Moon, man!" *puff puff pass*

Tori Amos has a song called 'Dark Side of the Sun'. She's quite clever.

[12:26 PM] Mr. Blue:

The Moon doesn't have a dark side either, the Sun hits all of it

[12:27 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yep

[12:44 PM] Ms. Rose:

Elon Musk is sending a few lucky(?) people around the moon next year.

[12:45 PM] Mr. Blue:

"*cchhrrk!* Folks, this is your captain speaking... There's some... uhh... weather on the Moon so we're being diverted to Mars instead. Our new ETA is... 4 years and 8 months."

[12:46 PM] Ms. Rose:

"The Sea of Tranquility is producing some not-so-tranquil waves of moon dust. Stand by..."

[12:46 PM] Mr. Blue:

Supposedly, back in the day, people saw colors on the Moon

Like in the Victorian era? It was a big thing - people saw clouds of neon stuff

And then someone convinced half the world that there were bat-people on the Moon living in caves

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Moon_Hoax

[12:48 PM]

Yup

And canals on Mars

[12:49 PM] Mr. Blue:

A hyper-advanced Martian race that couldn't dig a canal in a straight line

[12:50 PM] Ms. Rose:

Pretty amazing, considering it's a scientific fact that the Moon is made of cheese.

[12:50 PM]

(Musk) "And so, as we send you off on the most crushingly boring and uncomfortable 7 days of your entire lives, I'd like to thank our intrepid tourists for all this money.  Try to stay sane!"

[12:51 PM] Ms. Rose:

"And you'll all be awarded with a Tesla car when/if you get back."

[12:51 PM] Mr. Blue:

If there were bat people on the Moon... I might wanna go.

[12:52 PM] Ms. Rose:

Just so long as there's not that thing you posted a pic of earlier, Mr. Blue.

[12:53 PM] Mr. Brown:

I can see colors showing up on the Moon. All kinds of space stuff happening

[12:53 PM]

NASA's “Department of Space Stuff”

[12:54 PM] Mr. Blue:

Probably just everybody's' corsets were strung too tight and they were seeing things

[12:58 PM]

"You're sure you see no colors, Fortesque?"

"Nay, Cholmondeley!"

"You need to relax - have another shot of laudanum." 

[12:58 PM] Mr. Blue:

heheh

[12:58 PM] Mr. Brown:

I'm still wondering why we would not go back to the Moon now with more advanced stuff, like even with a rover

I'm pretty sure there is stuff we could do there or discover still

Looks like they shifted gears to study space more than the Moon

[12:59 PM] Mr. Blue:

We could place a hardboiled egg on the surface of the Moon

[12:59 PM] Mr. Brown:

Launch a potato at the Moon

[12:59 PM]

NASA's “Department of Space Stuff”: Do and Discover Stuff Division

[1:00 PM] Mr. Blue:

Do a bunch of firsts before the Chinese or Russians get there

[1:00 PM]

Gasp!

WE could put the first Russian and Chinese on the Moon!  BEFORE THEY DO!

[1:01 PM] Mr. Blue:

Nice!

First piss on the Moon, first nap on the Moon, first air guitar solo on the Moon

[1:01 PM] Ms. Rose:

First "woman problems" on the Moon...

[1:01 PM]

Hehe

I'm sure those men up there had probl- ... oh... that...

[1:01 PM] Ms. Rose:

Tampons in SPAAAAAAAAAACE!

[1:02 PM] Mr. Blue:

Break a bunch of weightlifting records up there - world record bench press...13,055 lbs.

[1:03 PM] Mr. Brown:

Longest home run - still going

[1:14 PM]

First "moon" on the Moon

[1:20 PM] Mr. Brown:

I'm guessing they feel they know everything there is to know about the Moon, otherwise we would still be going there

[1:21 PM]

We could speculate reasons.

The Moon, for instance, has a tremendous advantage as an interim launching stage for longer trips

But

You have to get stuff there first

[1:22 PM] Mr. Brown:

Just start shooting stuff up there. See what sticks

[1:23 PM]

They were all excited about it as a source of fusion fuel...but how the heck do you extract it and send it back...and that only if we ever build a practical fusion reactor.

There's also a minor problem of, you know, lethal radiation exposure

The Moon is not only short a magnetosphere, it doesn't even have an atmosphere that can do a half-assed job.

[1:27 PM] Mr. Blue:

Yeah. They were gonna mine Helium 3

I'm not sure whatever happened with that

[1:32 PM]

(Spaceman in overalls with pick and big cowboy hat...tiny bottle marked HE3)

[1:33 PM] Mr. Blue:

Heh

[1:33 PM]

(Assay rep takes it, puts on scale) "Well...it weighs less now.  So you owe us about $500000"

Somehow I don't think we'll need Moon Helium for a while.

[2:44 PM] Mr. Brown:

I always feel bad 'cause I don't finish all my food at a restaurant, but Mrs Brown does.

I used to finish my food and pick off everybody else's plates for the longest time, then something changed.

[2:47 PM]

They started smacking your hand?

[2:47 PM] Mr. Blue:

I'll eat anything and everything. Portions are just a detail

[2:51 PM] Mr. Brown:

I'm starting to find things that don't agree with me

I would always sit there and look at them and say “you gonna finish that?”

[2:51 PM]

Despite my conscious awareness, and the learned lessons of my diet, I still will eat stuff I know isn't a good idea

[2:52 PM] Ms. Rose:

I agree with Mr. Blue. Just eat it all. Eff health.

“Rose Eats World”. That's my new band name.

[2:53 PM]

Mrs. Silver bought a scale. 

I put it down the first time...stood on it...my first weighing in a couple years.

"Augh!"

"What?!?!"

"I weigh like 204 pounds!!!"

(tried it again)

"Better...I'm actually only about 5 more than last time.  Stupid scale."

I still weigh too much, but I'm addicted to cheeses, indulge in sausage, and could do with less 'cohol (which I have pared down quite a lot)

[2:58 PM] Mr. Blue:

There's a balance between health and actually enjoying life

[2:58 PM]

Yes

[2:59 PM] Mr. Blue:

You can eat brown rice and kale for your life and maybe live to be 100...but why would you want to?

[2:59 PM] Ms. Rose:

I enjoy life, and eating everything in it. (rofl)

[2:59 PM]

A friend of mine in high school was big into exercise and lifting.

Then one day he got into a college health education program, started really learning the subject, and realized he was spending so much time on his lifestyle for so little gain that it was pointless.

So he became a sculptor instead and has the build of a little French artist now

[3:00 PM] Ms. Rose:

I'm pretty sure I weigh as much as you 3 dudes combined. Because that's incredibly sexy. *gun to head*

[3:01 PM] Mr. Blue:

I'm 195

[3:02 PM] Mr. Brown:

I'm like 187

[3:05 PM]

189-ish, according to the a-hole scale.

(Step on...flashes... talks)  "I dunno...somewhere between 185 and 210, lard butt."

[3:05 PM] Ms. Rose:

Little waifs.

I think each of my butt cheeks weigh as much as yinz. :P

I got down to 127 once. Size 6, bitches! *drops mic*

(No, she's not even very big - Mr. Silver)

[3:08 PM]

We will all be prized as food when the apocalypse comes

Makes one feel wanted, doesn't it?

[3:10 PM] Mr. Blue:

We'll be game to be hunted when automation takes over

[3:10 PM]

(Barbarian goon in tire armor, covered in scalps, pinching Mr. Brown's flanks with a body fat caliper) "This one will keep for 2 months, if watered.  Put him in the larder."