336 - An Amazing Amir, "The Twelve Days of Cashless", Remedies Of The Ancients, Terrible Substitutes For Torture, Rommel The Red-Nosed Generalfeldmarschall, and Riding With Hitler Has Doomed The World

Mr. Silver

Lot of “amirs” in this hijacked email contact list.

Woot!

I've found my fave!

"AmirElBoss"

1:11 PM Mr. Blue

Heh.

Sometimes transliterated Amir, Amier or Ameer, is a title of high office used in a variety of places in the Arab world. Literally it means commander, general, or prince.

So he's “Boss the Boss”

1:11 PM Mr. Silver

Arabic for "Redundant the Dork"

Mr. Silver

So while talking to Cal on break, I decided on my next Christmas song.

I noted that a partridge in a pear tree at this time of the year wouldn't be very nice to look at anyway. No leaves...no pears...

9:24 AM Mr. Blue

None of the crap in that song would be any good to get.

9:24 AM Mr. Silver

5 gold rings?  In today's economy?

9:24 AM Mr. Blue

What the heck am I gonna do with a bunch of maids milking?

I’ll have to sell the rings just to feed the maids.

9:25 AM Mr. Silver

Well, that's where this was leading...who could afford all that crap anyway?

"These rings in this case...are they gold or gold plated?  'cause I'm on a budget for Christmas, and..."

9:27 AM Mr. Green

It's golden not gold, isn’t it? 5 golden rings?

Golden seems to lend itself to plated.

9:28 AM Mr. Silver

I've heard it sung both ways, actually.

It's probably just Gold.

(It is. I looked it up...”golden” in an American thing and fairly recent. - Mr. 'Golden' Silver)

Definitely a tune for the very rich.

Anyway.

I've started on an "Affordable 12 Days Of Christmas"

All keying to "A pear, 'cause he's got no mo-ney".

9:32 AM Mr. Blue

12 Christmas cards, 11 scratch-and-wins, 10 pairs of socks

9:32 AM Mr. Silver

"2 Dove choc-late turtles"

9:33 AM Mr. Blue

“And a $30 gift card to Subwaaaay”

9:34 AM Mr. Silver

"3 french bread pizzas"

9:40 AM Mr. Silver

I'd say "toast" but don't want to step on the McKenzie brothers.

9:49 AM Mr. Silver

"4 phone calls"

8:18 AM Mr. Amethyst

BTW, Mr. Silver, that essential oil into my ear? Yeah, that didn't feel great, but most of my pain is gone.

So, thanks!

8:22 AM Mr. Silver

Hehe

8:32 AM Mr. Silver

(Mr. Amethyst's's ear) "Pfft...I'm a Tuchux ear...what's one drop of that gonna... ...hmm...ah...AHH!  AUGH!!!!!  AUGH!!!! OK!!! I give up!!!!  No more ear aches!!!!"

Did you have the big drink that your witchdoctor prescribed first?

8:35 AM Mr. Amethyst

No, I passed on that. I had some Hotpockets and Arizona tea though.

8:35 AM Mr. Blue

An ancient concoction.

8:35 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL. It was more of a warm tingle-burning sensation than pain for sure, and yea Mr. Blue...nectar of the gods! LOL

"Fishes and loves? F THAT! Hotpockets and Arizona tea!"

8:39 AM Mr. Silver

(chants) "Put de lime in de coconut and mix 'em bot' together...put de Hotpocket in de microwave and pour de Arizona..." 

"I said Doc-tor!  Is there somethin' I can take? I said Doc-tor! To relieve my ear ache.”

Definitely get's pretty hot and tingly, yes.

Good stuff.

8:46 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL Yes.

9:12 AM Mr. Silver

Note...a teabag string can be used as emergency dental floss.

9:13 AM Mr. Amethyst

Eww

9:13 AM Mr. Silver

Note...it had better be an emergency because it doesn't feel nice at all.

9:13 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

9:13 AM Mr. Blue

Dental floss can be used as emergency wound stitching.

9:13 AM Mr. Silver

See, I'd do that.

9:14 AM Mr. Blue

My friend did it when he got cut by a skate.

He'd do anything you dared him to, though.

9:15 AM Mr. Silver

The other day, Silver Jr. was looking though a book I got him (8000 Things You Should Know) and he mentioned something about artificial blood.

I mentioned it was discovered coconut milk could be used as a blood substitute.

"I'm not sure anyone is going to stock up on coconuts for this, though." 

On that note, I was planning on looking the history of that up: What desperate goof tried it first?

"Corpsman!  Why is this soldier tubed to a coconut?"

9:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

9:21 AM Mr. Blue

In certain parts of Tamil Nadu state of India, coconut water is traditionally used in the senicide of elderly family members known as Thalaikoothal. In this custom, the elderly person is given an extensive oil-bath early in the morning and subsequently made to drink glasses of tender coconut water in excess, which results in renal failure, high fever, fits, and death within a day or two.[10] Kidney failure is the principal outcome of untreated coconut water-induced hyperkalaemia.[11]

9:24 AM Mr. Silver

"We swear, it's nothing like what happened with grandma...just drink up."

"Well...okay...you're sure?"

"Positive.  The...uh...doctor said you need a glass an hour."

I wonder what makes an oil bath "extensive".

It would be more merciful to drown the person in the oil right away.

9:28 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah.

9:28 AM Mr. Silver

"Here's the deal, Ma.  Trauma for everyone in the family and torture for you for a couple days...or this pillow for like 5 minutes and you'll be asleep for 4 of those."

"Did you tell her how much the oil costs?"

"Shh!  She doesn't need distracted!"

9:35 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

Mr. Blue

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medium_Atomic_Demolition_Munition

This was linked under the Wikipedia article for "overkill".

9:53 AM Mr. Silver

Nuclear land mines. 

You know...they are for if the Reds ever developed dropships and mechs.

Then there's this:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davy_Crockett_%28nuclear_device%29

9:57 AM Mr. Silver

"We have 2 launchers available, M28 or M29.  Ranges 1.25 miles and 2.5 miles in that order."

"In that case we'd like an M35, sir."

10:05 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

I think The USSR's Tsar Bomb was so big the plane couldn't have made it out of the blast radius before the detonation.

10:06 AM Mr. Silver

Probably not.

10:09 AM Mr. Silver

Call from rep: "Burle Patton"

(Snowman general in helmet, singing)

"Have a holly jolly Sherman...they're the best tanks of the war..."

"I don't know, 'bout East Front snow, but Germany has beer."

"Ho ho, the tracers glow...aimed so you can see.”

“Some bastard waits for you.  Goo his face for me!"

(I like this one)

10:23 AM Mr. Blue

“Oh, ho the Nazis go, off to take Tobruk / A Panzer waits for you / Rommel, I read your book!”

Spent too much time on that POS.

(So did I...I edited it a fair bit to make it roll better. But the core was great! – Mr. Silver)

10:44 AM Mr. Silver

I adore that last line!

My favorite line from that movie.

(applauds)

3:35 PM Mr. Blue

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petroleum#mediaviewer/File:Ride_with_hitler.jpg

3:36 PM Mr. Silver

Like...still?

3:36 PM Mr. Blue

'parently.

They never rescinded it.

3:37 PM Mr. Silver

Carpooling against Hitler probably would have saved the world trillions of dollars since 1945.

What fools we have been!

Environment would be in better shape...

Friendlier society...

Damn!

335 - Four Star Inhumation, Perhaps Italian, The Famous "Everyone & The McCoy's Feud", and "No Cake For You! Come Back One Lifetime!"

Mr. Blue

There are yelp reviews for cemeteries.

1:55 PM Mr. Silver

Any Yelp reviews from the residents?

2:00 PM Mr. Blue

Nah

2:01 PM Mr. Silver

"Facilities cold, dark, cramped.  Odd odors beginning after the first few days.  No one responding to knocks at un-openable door.  Quiet neighborhood at least.  1 star."

2:02 PM Mr. Blue

Heheh

2:14 PM Mr. Silver

"Despite satin fabric and "quilting", bed proved to be very hard.  Someone stole my shoes and my jewelry is missing.  Nice salon makeover when I first arrived but no sign of a boutique anywhere. 1 star."

2:19 PM Mr. Blue

Heh

I liked the ghost story of the cemetery they moved to build the junior high's yellow building (where the new wing is). They found a bunch of caskets with claw marks on the inside, and basically they didn't find all of the caskets before construction began.

Its not really a ghost story I guess, and probably not true.

2:23 PM Mr. Silver

Well, a giveaway is - why were they opening all the lids to look?

And part 2 is "And there's still bodies down here...OOOooOoOOoooOOoooo"

2:24 PM Mr. Blue

I think I pictured the caskets deteriorating and they really couldn't help but look.

I think it was also described that they died with their hands up and their mouths open.

2:25 PM Mr. Silver

Now, if it were me...and I was working at a casket factory...

About 1 coffin in 50, I'd be writing things like "Oh God!  Help!" in sharpie in the inside plate of the lid, and packing the pen up in the fabric.

2:27 PM Mr. Blue

Hehehe

Mr. Blue

Heh

There was a guy that started that summer that had like...leopard hair? Blond patches. He wasn't doing very well.

2:56 PM Mr. Silver

(strains to remember)

2:56 PM Mr. Blue

John something.

2:57 PM Mr. Silver

John? Not many of those around...narrows it right down.

2:57 PM Mr. Blue

Around 30, average build, perhaps Italian.

2:59 PM Mr. Silver

...swarthy, suspicious, wanted?

2:59 PM Mr. Blue

Swarthy.

2:59 PM Mr. Silver

Sorry...slipped into a 1920's criminal investigation there.

(prosecutor) "I submit that the accused is persistently...and willingly...(turns on heel and points) Italian!"

(gallery audience gasps)

3:02 PM Mr. Blue

They should have to wear a red patch on their shoulder that looks like a tomato!

3:04 PM Mr. Silver

"I call the jury's attention to Exhibit B - the bushy, and un-waxed, mustache." 

3:04 PM Mr. Blue

The one mechanic I go to is Italian and he's hilarious. His accent sounds like a caricature of an Italian accent.

An "uh" at the end of every word.

3:04 PM Mr. Silver

Think he's putting everyone on?

3:05 PM Mr. Blue

"We-uh goin' to-uh rotate-uh the-uh tires-uh. We-uh gonna do-a very special-uh job-uh for you-uh Mister-uh Blue-uh."

3:05 PM Mr. Silver

Hehe

3:09 PM Mr. Blue

"Thanks Sal.”

"Hey-uh! Did-uh I-uh ever-uh tell you-uh about-uh my tomato garden in-uh Tuscany???"

3:09 PM Mr. Silver

Has he?

3:09 PM Mr. Blue

Yes

3:09 PM Mr. Silver

Good story?

3:09 PM Mr. Blue

Yes.

If you get roped into a conversation, you'll be there for hours.

He is a well traveled dude... He sometimes needs subtitles, but the bits you understand are interesting.

3:10 PM Mr. Silver

Cool.

11:15 AM Mr. Silver

So back to Mrs Silver's heritage: I recall a tale she told me long ago when I told her she was overreacting to something.

"You think I'm bad? Once my grandmother got mad at my grandfather over something, and when he was asleep she took all his underwear and she sewed up his pee hole."

"She sewed up his pee hole?!?!"

"In the underwear. You know."

"Oh!  ... Thank God!"

11:18 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

I don't use that thing anyway.

11:23 AM Mr. Silver

I didn't til I started wearing boxers.

11:27 AM Mr. Blue

What’s her family's nationality?

11:32 AM Mr. Silver

It's the McCoy genes.

It's amazing the pointless junk she'll hold a grudge on.

And how stupid angry she'll get over them.

She's not violent, fortunately.

11:40 AM Mr. Blue

What’s McCoy? Irish or Scottish?

11:41 AM Mr. Silver

Scot

This is the Hatfield vs McCoy branch

11:42 AM Mr. Blue

Nice.

11:43 AM Mr. Silver

As I said to Mr. Green before you got here – there was a study and they are genetically predisposed to anger issues.

11:46 AM Mr. Silver

We were perfect for each other.

(years into relationship, watching TV...Hatfields & McCoys mentioned)

"Oh!  I'm related to the McCoys!"

"OOOOooooh...that explains a lot."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Well...I mean...uh...forget it."

"No! What ABOUT the McCoys?"

"Oh look!  There’s an ancient Egypt thing on!"

But now she knows.  (star flies past  "The More You Know")

11:51 AM Mr. Blue

Heheh

11:55 AM Mr. Silver

It actually helped her to find out, honestly.

9:21 AM Mr. Green

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/12/pastor-who-tried-out-atheism-for-a-year-gives-up-on-god-to-have-a-closer-relationship-to-reality/

10:40 AM Mr. Silver

"Well...that didn't go as expected."

10:45 AM Mr. Silver

I'm assuming that he expected the opposite to occur – Live without God...witness the daily miracles, truths, and revelations...come back with and iron-clad relationship with God set firmly in a bedrock base...

"Oops."

(journal) "Day 10 - Second Sunday I've slept in.  Not reading the same book over and over all the time is rather nice."

10:52 AM Mr. Green

LMAO!

11:04 AM Mr. Silver

"Day 14 - More people came over trying to talk to me about Jesus and faith and abandoning this project.  And it was nothing but a lot of 'you should' and cherry-picked Bible quotes.  Nobody could make a real structured case for why.  I never noticed how irritating that can be.  Did I sound like this all the time?"

11:05 AM Mr. Blue

Daily Mail just said he "tried atheism" for a year.... Like, how do you "try out" a belief?

11:26 AM Mr. Silver

"Day 26 - Decided to try this Wikipedia thing to get some non-faith-based opinions...clicked "Criticism of the Bible".  Oh my God!  Sorry...habit.  Wow!"

11:28 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

11:30 AM Mr. Blue

“Criticism of the Bible” is probably one of the longest articles on the site.

11:31 AM Mr. Silver

The list of Christian sects and variants is bigger.

Because...you know..."one true faith handed down by God Himself” and all that...

12:04 PM Mr. Silver

The thing that's saddest to me about that story was that it's clear that the guy went through his whole youth, education and career to that point and never had a single mystic experience of any relevance.

I can't imagine spending that much time on "because you're supposed to".

That being said, I wonder what % of religious people actually have.

12:07 PM Mr. Blue

Mother Theresa never did either.

12:07 PM Mr. Silver

Nope

That's just creepy to me.

Mr. Blue

It doesn't really say you're supposed to.

12:14 PM Mr. Silver

You are if you want Sky Cake.

12:16 PM Mr. Blue

No, I mean it doesn't say you're supposed to have any mystic experience. The Bible doesn't say "become a Christian and Jesus himself will personally give you your welcoming gift."

12:18 PM Mr. Silver

Well that's 2 different things. Mystic contact with the supernatural and manifested blessings/favors aren't on the same level at all. “Because you are supposed to” is to be rewarded by both – the latter in life, the former usually after. The faithful are faithful, the mystic is aware.

Perhaps it's the whole Catholic-School-leftover bit on "vocation".

People have jobs. The passionate/touched/inspired (mystics) have vocations.

Priests and nuns and other ordained are supposed to “know” and have "vocations".

This guy and Mother Theresa apparently just had jobs.

12:22 PM Mr. Blue

If Christians have had mystic experiences to lead them to "knowing" their religion is correct, then they shouldn't proselytize.

They should just wait for everyone else to have theirs.

It's kind of like trying to convince people that your cake is really good:

"Brothers and sisters, my cake is delicious! It's the best cake you'll ever taste in your LIFE!"

"Can we have a bite?"

"No, you have to take my word for it."

12:30 PM Mr. Silver

Kind of like? Hehe

12:32 PM Mr. Blue

A dumb analogy, but it's the best I could come up with.

12:37 PM Mr. Silver

It was flippant, perhaps, but not dumb.

Most religions pointedly make no effort to teach people how to get a bite of Real Cake in their lifetimes because they wouldn't be needed anymore. They don't want to be a school a person graduates from, they want to run a desirable retirement plan with clients that pay them every month.

Most religions also actively campaign against learning how to bake Cake. They (correctly) fear bad/fake/unhealthy recipes in the hands of dimwits, who might pass them around to other idiots wanting a taste.

Nope. There's only one option: “The Baker says you can have some cake after you leave town, but only if you ask Him nicely and follow His rules for as long as you live here. It might seem like a chore, but it's REALLY good cake.”