Day 264 - The Only Shot I See Him Turning To The Right For Is His Mug, and "Which Came First? The Chicken Or The Ass?"

(I drown my brooding with a shortish one... - Mr. Silver)

Mr. Amethyst

So if someone breaks into my house and makes a right, can I shoot them in the back or do I have to wait till they come out of my living room?

11:19 AM Mr. Silver

Did someone?

11:19 AM Mr. Amethyst

No

11:20 AM Mr. Silver

And is "I" actually Mrs. Amethyst asking about whether she should get a shovel or call 911?

11:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL. No, its me wanting to shoot my gun.

LOL

11:20 AM Mr. Silver

Do you plan on inviting this person over?

11:21 AM Mr. Amethyst

Nope.

11:22 AM Mr. Silver

OK....because you shouldn't plan this stuff on an IM.

Just sayin'

11:23 AM Mr. Amethyst

Its the basis for a home defense weapon.

LOL

11:23 AM Mr. Silver

You need more weapons?

11:28 AM Mr. Amethyst

In the IM, I'm only asking if anyone knows the law a little more and I got the answer

It came from my other chat though.

11:28 AM Mr. Blue

I think you'd get in trouble for shooting someone in the back, even if they're breaking into your home.

11:29 AM Mr. Amethyst

Correct.

11:29 AM Mr. Blue

Unless they pose a threat to someone else. Like they're breaking into your daughter's room.

11:29 AM Mr. Amethyst

Correct.

So if they go right, it won't cause issues, because that's my living room.

So if anyone wants to break in and not get shot, turn right.

11:30 AM Mr. Blue

I’d shout a warning in case it's some weird situation.

Someone is drunk and went to the wrong house? Forgot their key? A first responder not following protocol? A buddy playing a prank?

11:31 AM Mr. Amethyst

Buddies don’t prank friends who have guns. LOL

11:32 AM Mr. Blue

Agreed.

There are some situations you might not want to come out blasting.

11:33 AM Mr. Amethyst

Yosemite Sam would disagree, but I’m rational, so you’re right.

11:33 AM Mr. Blue

Maybe if you have a shotgun, load the first round with less lethal or bird shot.

11:34 AM Mr. Amethyst

Rock salt.

11:36 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah.

11:44 AM Mr. Silver

"Well officer, you see, I've been shot with BB's a buncha times, so I figured about 50 in a shotgun shell was gonna be just about the same, but 50 times, right?  So when his chest caved in, well..."

11:46 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

Isn't bird shot just BBs?

11:46 AM Mr. Silver

They are quite a bit bigger than birdshot.

11:47 AM Mr. Amethyst

I want to get glasers.

11:49 AM Mr. Silver

I want a plasma torus launcher.

11:49 AM Mr. Amethyst

lol

11:49 AM Mr. Silver

"Eat fire-doughnut!"

Mr. Amethyst

So Dave is planning on getting roosters, and is debating how to slaughter them.

12:46 PM Mr. Silver

Glasers.

12:46 PM Mr. Amethyst

So far we've come up with a scheme involving 2 guillotines, with small catapults to launch heads at each others bucket.

12:47 PM Mr. Blue

You slaughter roosters?

12:48 PM Mr. Amethyst

We're going to. He needs the hackles, and most chicken farms do mass rooster kills each hatch, so rather than waste 100 baby roosters, we'll raise 'em and kill 'em.

12:59 PM Mr. Amethyst

So, we've decided.

1:00 PM Mr. Silver

Saw blade shooter?

1:01 PM Mr. Amethyst

Step 1 Build a "castle"
Step 2 Populate castle with roosters
Step 3 Capture squirrels and coyotes
Step 4 Lash squirrels to coyotes backs
Step 5 Unleash the new "Worg riders" on said castle
Step 6, Slaughter "Worg riders and Worgs" with bow, axe, and sword.
Step 7 Profit

1:02 PM Mr. Silver

You've overlooked the flaw: The roosters live in this plan.

2:03 PM Mr. Amethyst

Nevermind.

“Chicken Death Race”

2:14 PM Mr. Amethyst

Nevermind, that got nixed.

I feel like a chicken death race wouldn’t work out well anyways.

"What are you in for?"

"Murder. You?"

"Chicken death race"

2:35 PM Mr. Amethyst

Mr. Silver, you may know.

If I create a religion and use the death race as a religious practice, can I avoid prosecution?

2:36 PM Mr. Silver

Yes, if you can get it acknowledged as a legitimate religion and ceremony.

2:37 PM Mr. Amethyst

So it's time to figure out how to do that.

2:37 PM Mr. Silver

"New" religions have much more trouble with such things compared to old ones.

2:41 PM Mr. Blue

Tell 'em you found evidence that Zoroastrians had rooster death races.

2:42 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

3:00 PM Mr. Silver

So by “chicken death race”...what are the ceremonial features and benefits of my conversion? 

3:01 PM Mr. Amethyst

Basically its a sacrifice to Darwin, proving that you earn his blessing for the next year by being the fittest.

He's our god.

3:02 PM Mr. Silver

See, citing Darwin and Evolution is going to hurt your petition.

3:02 PM Mr. Amethyst

I disagree. If Scientology can get approved

LOL

3:03 PM Mr. Silver

Have you read how loony Scientology is?  It's sure not science.

Considering we're all alien souls trapped in meat bodies plagued by space demons...

No Darwin or Evolution in sight

3:03PM Mr. Amethyst

Hmmm

So basically I gotta be crazy, without getting institutionalized.

3:03 PM Mr. Blue

Make it sound old. Tell 'em you found some old scrolls in a cave in the middle east

3:04 PM Mr. Amethyst

Can't I say, "it came to me in a dream"?

3:04 PM Mr. Blue

Not crazy enough.

3:04 PM Mr. Amethyst

Or say its for the Mayan gods, because we obviously can't sacrifice people.

And they require a sport, because they had that ball game.

3:05 PM Mr. Blue

That'd work.

3:05 PM Mr. Amethyst

We're just adapting it to modern day.

3:05 PM Mr. Blue

The Race of Quetzalcoatl.

3:05 PM Mr. Amethyst

Yea!

3:08 PM Mr. Amethyst

Founderism!

Where you worship the founding fathers

3:35 PM Mr. Silver

Flounderism!

Pretty close, really.

3:36 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

3:36 PM Mr. Silver

Founder...one who starts something.

Founder...to collapse.

Same word, different roots.

3:37 PM Mr. Amethyst

Nice!

3:38 PM Mr. Silver

Like “Fundamentalism”. That's my all time fave.

I suspect it was coined by someone making fun of fundamentalists.

Fundamentals - The key elements of something.

Fundament - A person's ass

3:39 PM Mr. Amethyst

Hahahaha

3:41 PM Mr. Silver

(previously stated in various forms) I picture an Oxford scholar arguing with a hopelessly outmatched religious idealist and saying to him and his cronies.  "Well, I guess that would make you all...funda-mentalists?"

3:42 PM Mr. Silver

So he was trying to say “Your brain is in your bottom", and earned the general approving laughter of his peers, but it was a total whiff to the opponent, who didn't get the insult and ran with it. 

"We're Fundamentalists!  Yeah!"

 

Day 263 - "Holy Film-Casting Experts, Batman!", Epic Vocabulary Issues, Tick Me Off, "The Worldwide Leader In Fluff", and "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Pecs"

Mr. Brown

I still don't know what to think about this Batfleck idea.

I love the new Superman actor, but Batfleck could go either way.

9:50 AM Mr. Silver

Relax and let it affect your existence the same way that Pluto being demoted did.

9:51 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

Pluto is a planet.

9:51 AM Mr. Blue

I think he's a fine choice for Batman; I just don't like Superman and Batman being in the same flick.

9:51 AM Mr. Brown

Ah.

Honestly, people say he did a bad Daredevil.

I think he did a good Daredevil in a bad movie.

9:52 AM Mr. Silver

I didn't think much of the movie, but I didn't have any trouble with his portrayal.

9:52 AM Mr. Blue

That was back in the day when Affleck acknowledged he was just kind of phoning it in.

He's putting more effort into stuff nowadays... with The Town, Gone Baby Gone and Argo.

9:53 AM Mr. Silver

Yes...but how dare he...somehow...get approval from the director and producer for his scenes in Daredevil!

9:53 AM Mr. Silver

How shameful of him to trick them so!

9:53 AM Mr. Blue

What do you mean?

9:54 AM Mr. Silver

What I mean is, there were more people involved with Daredevil's portrayal than just Affleck, so fan-dorks blaming him - a man who can clearly act - is the emotional equivalent to believing Daredevil is real and should be insulted. And for them to just assume Ben somehow can't pull off Batman as directed – a character who largely consists of a dark suit, gadgets, and three simple moods – is pretty presumptuous.

9:54 AM Mr. Brown

Right.

Mr. Blue

I'd like to never hear the word "epic" again.

Unless it's about Gilgamesh.

11:33 AM Mr. Silver

Yes...there are some fine epics, though.

“Epic” was the new “legendary” because people didn't want to write out 50 point words.

11:35 AM Mr. Blue

But "bacon recipes" aren't epic.

11:35 AM Mr. Brown

Bacon by itself is epic.

11:36 AM Mr. Blue

Not literally, no.

“Noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style.”

When CNN is using "epic" in news headlines, the word is dead.

11:38 AM Mr. Silver

One could write an epic that includes bacon...but not as a main character.

Unless bacon is personified as a heroic being...sort of like a god named Bacon.

11:39 AM Mr. Brown

Well, literally has been dead for awhile now.

11:39 AM Mr. Blue

I’m using literally, literally.

11:41 AM Mr. Silver

It's pretty sad when the Oxford dictionary has to put an entry for in for Literally saying it means Figuratively.

11:41 AM Mr. Blue

Yes.

I hear it every day: "My VPN is LITERALLY as slow as molasses!"

11:45 AM Mr. Silver

Slow as molasses is a broken simile anyway.  Molasses isn't slow when it's hot.

Its "Slow as molasses in winter".

11:46 AM Mr. Brown

I’m going to start saying figuratively now.

Start a new trend.

LOL

11:46 AM Mr. Silver

Good.

12:27 PM Mr. Blue

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Molasses_Disaster

Tell those 171 people that molasses is slow.

Mr. Silver

Augh!  Itch!

I obviously picked up and didn't notice a tick hiking last weekend. 

2:58 PM Mr. Blue

Nice.

2:58 PM Mr. Silver

The spot is still red and suddenly itches a lot sometimes.

2:58 PM Mr. Blue

My mom gets several a year.

I feel 'em crawling right away.

2:59 PM Mr. Silver

Currently, I feel like cutting the bite out of my leg with a knife so it will HEAL FASTER! 

It didn't bug me all day.

3:00 PM Mr. Brown

I always seem to feel any bug that is on me. Sometimes I feel bugs there that are not.

LOL

3:00 PM Mr. Blue

I wonder if it has something to do with her soap, because my mom uses that all-natural garbage, and I use that chemically stuff in the futuristic bottles.

She'd always get ticks when nobody else would.

3:03 PM Mr. Brown

It has to do with color too, I think.

It happened to us in Gettysburg.

People wearing light colored jeans: no ticks.

People wearing dark colored jeans: ticks all over you.

I wore shorts a few times and got none on me.

3:06 PM Mr. Silver

I was in shorts, sure, but my leg was sprayed with Off too. So it found a good spot by luck, I guess. Lucky me!

3:07 PM Mr. Brown

http://www.stopticks.org/prevention/

Yep. The instructions say wear light colored clothing.

3:09 PM Mr. Silver

Dark = delicious black bear!

3:10 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

3:12 PM Mr. Silver

A flea will leap at anything that moves.  But a tick...a tick is a gourmet!

3:13 PM Mr. Silver

"Would monsieur like the dark moving object or the light moving object this evening?"

"The dark, of course!"

"Excellent choice, sir!"

3:13 PM Mr. Brown

I want to know who came up with all the ways to try to remove a tick.

Like who thought burning it is a good idea or putting Vaseline on it.

3:13 PM Mr. Blue

I’m sure pretty much anything will remove a tick: alcohol, heat, cold, even just submerging it in water.

3:14 PM Mr. Silver

Blood will do it if you give it enough...drops right off.

3:21 PM Mr. Silver

A tick is a pretty miserable design for Intelligent Design and should be touted as an argument against.

8:08 AM Mr. Blue

Cool CNN headline: "Dentist offers to fix man's teeth."

8:08 AM Mr. Silver

Hot news day!

"Syria Is A Downer! - Dentist Fixes Teeth! - Squirrels Collect Nuts! - Bunnies Are Soft!"

8:12 AM Mr. Silver

Here's one...a video of the "Best Cat Video" awards. (Real...link lost. – Mr. Silver)

So....did you read the dentist story?

8:13 AM Mr. Blue

Nah, the headline didn't grab me.

Mr. Blue

Did Ricardo Montelban use some sort of prosthetic for his chest in Wrath of Khan?

9:50 AM Mr. Gray

Nope.

All him.

9:50 AM Mr. Silver

His manly chest was made of fine Corinthian leather.

9:51 AM Mr. Blue

It looks like he's lactating.

9:54 AM Mr. Silver

Kahn's pecs were the finest quality the eugenics program could produce.

10:04 AM Mr. Silver

I can't imagine the selection process for that. Wait...yes I can.

(Chief of program) "What's the pectoral muscle situation?  They still coming out like Miles O'Keefe's?"

10:05 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

10:05 AM Mr. Silver

(Eugenicist) "We think we have a breakthrough on that.  Take a look at the projections on line aa.5.G."

(Chief) "Kinda leathery..."

(Eugenicist) "Well, we took a poll on that and the ladies seem to like the hue and texture."

(Chief) "Eh...run it a few generations.  Oh, and kill the kids with the big noses from fa.5.B. The committee voted it as a failed line this morning."

(Eugenicist) "Yes, sir."

10:08 AM Mr. Amethyst

Mr. Silver, was that an underlying Holocaust joke?

If so...that was amazing.

10:08 AM Mr. Silver

Just a eugenics joke.  Oh...I see.  For shame!

And yeah, though the Nazis had a eugenics program, the Holocaust wasn't part of it.

Besides, that skit was from ... THE FUTURE!!!!

(Echo. Star Trek theme)

10:09 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

10:09 AM Mr. Blue

Khan is a superhuman.

He can bench press a Buick.

10:11 AM Mr. Silver

Nah, not that extreme...just homo superior.

10:11 AM Mr. Blue

Ah

10:11 AM Mr. Silver

Probably roll over a VW Beetle alone though.

An effortless Olympian with a 180 IQ.

And...as noted in the film...burdened with some anger issues and over-confident in his raw abilities versus training and experience.

“I lost?”

“To Kirk???”

“TWICE????”

No wonder he blew everything up.

Day 262 - How To Die In Hollywood, The Votes For Scariest Attraction At The Fair Were Never Tallied, Her Pigtails Aren't The Only Stiff Things In The Theater, A Gray Hair's Breadth Away From...Nothing Really, Scotch Monster, and Eyewitness Descriptions Are Notoriously Innacurate

9:28 AM Mr. Blue

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell%27s_Angels_%28film%29

Ever hear of this film? A bunch of pilots died making it, and it was filmed as a silent film, but the when talkies came out Hughes decided to re-shoot all the dialogue.

9:29 AM Mr. Silver

I've seen it.

They were f-ing crazy and I'm not surprised people died.

The flying stuff was top notch...acting...film in general...mmmm....not so much.

9:33 AM Mr. Blue

That's what it seems like.

Hughes went nuts with the action scenes but mashed together the rest, by comparison.

Its kind of a sign of the times when a bunch of stunt pilots die and the movie just continues on like nothing happened.

Around the same time it was pretty much a given that construction workers would die building high rises.

Nowadays if there are deaths on set, even one, it shuts down.

3 pilots + 1 mechanic died.

9:37 AM Mr. Silver

I seem to recall the one English pilot sounding like he was from Columbus Ohio.

9:37 AM Mr. Blue

It says that the starlet of the original was cut entirely because she was Norwegian.

9:46 AM Mr. Silver

"Lord Eversham, allow me to introduce Yvette Bardot, of Paris."

"Wull shucks, ain't y'all the purtiest girl I seen in France yit!"

9:47 AM Mr. Silver

"Ja ja, Lord Yeeversoon!  I ham pleeze tyoo meet yew tooo."

9:47 AM Mr. Blue

Heheh

9:47 AM Mr. Blue

There were some silent stars that really bombed in talkies because of their voices.

One was a guy that was considered a dashing and handsome lead. Then he started speaking and he sounded shrill and nasally and everyone laughed at him and he was reduced to bit parts.

9:49 AM Mr. Silver

Clara Bow's career was destroyed by talkies.

Hottest babe on the screen.

The cause of the term "sex appeal".

The "it" girl

Unfortunately studio people said she talked like a hick. From what I've heard, she spoke just fine.

9:49 AM Mr. Blue

Garbo succeeded, surprisingly, because she sounds like a man.

9:51 AM Mr. Brown

Talking like a hick is hot.

lol

10:04 AM Mr. Gray

Nice....the Murder Hotel story was true.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._H._Holmes

10:04 AM Mr. Silver

"Sorry about your stutter."

"No stutter...it's pronounced H- h- Holmes."

"Loser."

"Whatever.  Say!  Wanna free room in my hotel?"

"Sure, huh huh Holmes."

10:06 AM Mr. Gray

Man this guy was amazing.

He had to have had charisma like nobody else on the planet.

10:14 AM Mr. Silver

"The Worlds Fair showcased the biggest and brightest and best achievements the world had to offer in 1839...including Best Murder Lair, Most Disappearances from a Major Event, and Most Murders in a Short Period by a Lone Psychopath.  The 1839 World's Fair!  Truly a wonder!"

10:14 AM Mr. Blue

Hahah

10:14 AM Mr. Gray

LOL

10:20 AM Mr. Blue

"You wanna take out a loan for what?"

"I wanna build a murder castle at the world's fair."

"I don't think that's a sound investment..."

10:21 AM Mr. Gray

LOL

10:22 AM Mr. Silver

:-)

10:22 AM Mr. Gray

After Holmes was hanged for his crimes in 1895 following a swift trial, a number of the people involved with his trial died under bizarre circumstances, including a priest who had visited him before his execution, the doctor who certified him dead, the jury foreman, and others. This embroidered the legend: that Holmes was continuing his despicable behavior from beyond the grave, still killing for revenge and the joy of killing.

11:08 AM Mr. Silver

Alternate for Mr. Blue

"You wanna take out a loan for what?"

"I wanna build a murder castle at the world's fair."

"So, like, a haunted house?  I love those!  Can I test it first?" 

"You sure can!"

11:12 AM Mr. Gray

LOL

1:17 PM Mr. Brown

Oh wonderful! Now Pippi Longstocking has a sex tape.

Who’s next, Smurfette?

1:18 PM Mr. Amethyst

Awe yea!

“Smurf me in my smurf!”

1:19 PM Mr. Brown

Tami Erin is the actress that played Pippi.

1:21 PM Mr. Silver

Pippi?

1:22 PM Mr. Brown

Yep. The actress made a sexy film.

1:22 PM Mr. Silver

The last Pippi movie I saw, she'd probably be 70 years old now.

1:22 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

1:23 PM Mr. Blue

Same here.

1:28 PM Mr. Brown

Well, the Pippi I'm talking about is 39 and smokin'.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tami_Erin

1:35 PM Mr. Silver

Nice.

1:37 PM Mr. Blue

Wow, she hasn't done anything since being Pippi.

1:37 PM Mr. Brown

Right.

But she is hot. At least she has that.

1:39 PM Mr. Silver

Breaking back into the biz, eh?

"Pippi Goes All The Way"

1:40 PM Mr. Gray

Wow...she IS hot.

1:40 PM Mr. Blue

“The New Erotic Adventures of Pippi Longstocking”

1:40 PM Mr. Silver

Sounds like a that would make for an interesting Cinemax series...

2:33 PM Mr. Blue

I found a white hair on my head the other day near where my sideburn meets my actual hair.

2:35 PM Mr. Silver

It's all over.

Well, you had a good run.

2:35 PM Mr. Blue

Not really.

2:35 PM Mr. Silver

It's all over.

Well,you had a poor run.

2:35 PM Mr. Blue

I want to live

Please, I’m too young to be old.

2:35 PM Mr. Silver

Pfft...I've had gray hair since I was 20...I tend to blame it on stress over a girl...

2:36 PM Mr. Blue

Really?

What about your relatives?

2:36 PM Mr. Silver

Grand dad was bald...dodged that...going gray is fine.

2:36 PM Mr. Blue

Everyone in my family has a full head of hair.

And everyone seems to go gray or white at a "normal" age...after 40 at least.

2:38 PM Mr. Silver

You couldn't tell with me so much that I was gray...I had so much hair and it was dense and curly. But there was a good bit of it in there.

A friend of mine...redhead...he had a pepper of gray when we were still in elementary school.

2:42 PM Mr. Blue

That sucks.

2:43 PM Mr. Silver

He's been shaved bald for years...probably why.

Mr. Gray

http://celebrity.uk.msn.com/news/sheen-hunting-for-half-otter-man

"It obviously knew our group was far too skilled to be snowed in this fashion so it stayed hidden like a sissy," said the 47-year-old.

10:00 AM Mr. Silver

He rented a castle and boat to look for Nessie with the latest "bottle of scotch" technology.

I wonder what bottle was brought on the Otter-Man quest.

10:01 AM Mr. Amethyst

"FOUND HER!"

"That’s a log, Charlie."

"Well after a bottle of scotch its an honest mistake."

10:03 AM Mr. Gray

Hehe

10:04 AM Mr. Silver

"It obviously knew our group was far too skilled based on our drink selections, so it stayed hidden and swilled Bud Light or something til we left," said the 47-drink-year-old.

7:07 AM Mr. Brown

So, I had a little bump and run yesterday.

7:08 AM Mr. Silver

What happened?

7:08 AM Mr. Brown

There was no damage that I could see on the back of the car, but we were sitting at the light. Then boom! Hit.

So my wife pulls over so we can check it, and we figured the person that did it would pull over with us to make sure it was all good, but no. They just took off when the light went green.

7:10 AM Mr. Silver

How nice of them. Did you turn in a description?

7:11 AM Mr. Brown

Mrs. Brown could not describe the vehicle. She was too busy trying to get off the road. She saw them in the mirror though; they ended up hitting a curb too.

LOL

7:13 AM Mr. Silver

(on cell phone to police) "...hot pink, three wheels, giant single tail fin, green chaser lights around the... No officer, I already said I couldn't get a license #.  What do you mean “can't do anything”?!"