Day 298 - Idiot Alien Assholes, Doctor Does-Nothing, "She's Not Bringing Sexy Back (Nope!)", and "In The Beginning Was The Burp And The Burp Was God"

Mr. Blue

If aliens wanted to abduct us they would be able to without us even noticing.

This whole showing up out of the blue and dragging fully conscious people on board for testing is too much for me.

12:52 PM Mr. Brown

Honestly, they could be.

LOL

12:53 PM Mr. Blue

There are plenty of known gases that knock us out but are otherwise harmless.

12:53 PM Mr. Gray

I just want to know why its always some hick from a trailer park or something.

12:53 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

"We keep coming here anal probing people and all we've learned is that 1 out of 10 really doesn't seem to mind."  (Kids in the Hall - Mr. Silver)

12:54 PM Mr. Gray

You never hear about some general or scientist or famous person being abducted.

Its always Jethro and the boys who were out drinking.

12:55 PM Mr. Blue

Perhaps there's a natural phenomenon, like spores or something that cause hallucinations.

It doesn't happen to city folk because the spores are only out in the wild.

Kind of like DMT users seeing machine elves.

Whatever the spores or fungus does to your brain, it makes you feel like you're being abducted or levitated or experimented on by humanoids... and then the people just kind of connect the rest of the dots.

1:07 PM Mr. Silver

I've wondered if aliens have picked non-scientists and such because they are only of equivalent intelligence, or aren't even as smart as us...they just have better stuff. A physicist or the like realizing this and revealing it to the rest of earth would be a disaster.

1:08 PM Mr. Brown

Actually, there are lots of cases of abduction of city folk.

1:11 PM Mr. Gray

But they are never the ones you hear about.

1:12 PM Mr. Brown

They keep to themselves.

LOL

1:21 PM Mr. Silver

(Searches "scientists abducted by aliens")

Hits = 0

Yay Google!

1:21 PM Mr. Brown

They control Google.

LOL

12:29 PM Mr. Brown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascagoula_Abduction

12:32 PM Mr. Brown

Sounds like a scarecrow got these guys.

12:37 PM Mr. Blue

There are a lot of differences in the aliens descriptions, but there's always certain characteristics that stay the same: they're small/frail and they tend to have small mouths but usually big eyes. These dudes claimed theirs had no eyes.

A small mouth usually indicates (as people suggest) that they communicate telepathically.

So these are creatures that have mastered telepathy, space travel and even levitation, but apparently not anesthesia.

I'm not sure that an advanced civilization would be smaller/frailer by design.  I mean, we're getting bigger and taller.  Would that plateau and reverse?

12:38 PM Mr. Silver

Probably, yes.

12:43 PM Mr. Brown

Once we reach a point of too many people on Earth, I have a feeling we will start getting smaller.

12:44 PM Mr. Blue

Or dying...

12:45 PM Mr. Silver

(From another abduction article...lost – Mr. Silver) "She informed him that they shared the same God, that the Bible was an authentic text, and that her species wanted to live on Earth but could not due to humanity's tendency towards war and destruction"

Abductee – "Gee...the Bible is a real book people wrote...guess I won't have to throw out my copies. Anyway, thanks for coming all the way here for that instead of a cancer cure or endless energy tech or something frivolous."

Alien - “Oh! I didn't think about... (starts rummaging in UFO bins) ...I'm not sure I have anything that I can...”

Abductee – "Oh no no! Don't trouble yourself...the God/Bible thing and I'm-not-a-racist-I-have-a-friend-who-is-from-Earth stuff was nice..."

Alien - “What? What do you mean 'racist'?”

Abductee - “Better be off soon; I wouldn't want you to be destroyed hanging out in my neighborhood. You know what us humans are like.”

12:46 PM Mr. Silver

If you consider the report, it's a bit telling...

We have the same God.  You have this Bible thing.  We'd live there except the Bible makes you warlike and destructive.

12:47 PM Mr. Gray

"He claimed that he was in fact conscious when the creatures took him on board the craft and led him into a room at the other end of a hallway to the left of the craft's entrance."
If it was only 8 feet wide and 8 feet high, and oval shaped, and had 3 passengers already, how did they fit a hallway and extra rooms?!

12:48 PM Mr. Silver

Tardis!

12:48 PM Mr. Gray

I've drawn enough D&D maps to know that’s not possible without breaking some laws of reality. LOL

3:19 PM Mr. Silver

For me...I can't imagine not changing my family name from Doolittle as soon as we landed in America.

"We used to be the Losers on me mum's side, and the Bums on me dad's, but we changed it."

3:21 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

3:23 PM Mr. Silver

"Of Clan Slob.  Two generations back to Slothe House."

I would change it to “Flushedtoilet”.

3:24 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

Mr. Brown

Mine means Servant of Mary.

We serve the lady.

3:24 PM Mr. Blue

Mr. Pussy-whipped

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

"Lord Peewhipped"

Beat me to it!

3:25 PM Mr. Blue

Heh

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

(applauds)

3:25 PM Mr. Brown

Mary is more important than Jesus, I guess. She needs servants.

LOL

3:25 PM Mr. Blue

She just needs more help around the house.

Jesus is a bachelor, plus can defend himself with his magic.

Mary is, in certain time periods and in certain denominations, almost as important as Jesus.

Mr. Blue

I think I read or heard that, of all the Christian characters that Italian people pray to, Jesus was like fifth.

9:12 AM Mr. Brown

Ha ha!  There is an article that says that female creatures will forgo sex when in pain,

but male creatures can be in severe pain and still want it.

9:12 AM Mr. Amethyst

They didn’t ask me.

"Every woman grew up being told she’s a princess.  My wife thinks she’s a princess and I do too. She needs to remember she’s married to a prince though, and princes like occasional BJ's"

9:14 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

And women wonder why men look for other women.

9:17 AM Mr. Gray

LMAO

9:18 AM Mr. Brown

When a man does something he does not enjoy for a woman, if the woman cannot return the favor it’s dumb.

9:19 AM Mr. Silver

Yes.

9:19 AM Mr. Brown

Happens all the time.

LOL

9:19 AM Mr. Amethyst

I don’t know about that.

9:19 AM Mr. Brown

“Massage my back.”

“OK, Honey!”

9:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

Oh, that type of stuff, sure.

9:20 AM Mr. Brown

“Hey Honey, now my back hurts.”

“Sorry, I can't do that.  My hands get tired.”

Shut the F up and do it, woman!

9:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

I just don’t rub Mrs. Amethyst’s back anymore.  LOL

9:20 AM Mr. Brown

It’s the idea that men, a lot of times, if asked by the woman to do something they’ll do it not worrying about if they like doing it or not. But if they ask the women, they get a no.

But they do it in the thought that one day when they need a back rub, they'll get one.  But if they ask the women, they get a no.

9:21 AM Mr. Silver

I counter sometimes with a positive: "I can give you a front rub" and she'll back off a while.

9:21 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

9:23 AM Mr. Silver

My strategy basically means "Sure, but you're not getting away with falling asleep face down and avoiding any escalation in 'rub' activities."

9:24 AM Mr. Blue

I guess for a guy, a lot more things lead to sex than for a woman.

9:24 AM Mr. Silver

Pft...sure…

I was in the 2% of men who worked at Jammenkatzer, and the resident anthropologist.

9:25 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

9:25 AM Mr. Silver

Once I was trusted and allowed in "the tribe", the women started talking.

And frankly, it got amazingly explicit.

9:26 AM Mr. Amethyst

Yeah dude.  Chicks are WAY more...what’s the word?...perverse than men.

9:27 AM Mr. Silver

Nod.  There wasn't a one of 'em that wasn't a scheming randy sex beast with weird fetish-y desires.  My edgier desires were tame.

"You’re reading Cosmo now, Mr. Silver?"  

"Yeah, I’m trying to keep up..."

9:29 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, they get dirty when talking but hold out a lot.

You end up taking what you can get.

LOL

9:29 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

9:30 AM Mr. Brown

Then they wonder why you snap at them sometimes.

They think holding out will give them more power.

How wrong they are.

LOL

If a woman told me “clean the house and I’ll give you a BJ”, damn, that house will be clean.

(This is assuming we’re assuming he’s assuming the odds of her following through are high…I’m assuming – Mr. Silver)

9:36 AM Mr. Amethyst

Nah.

Sex shouldn’t be used as currency.  Now as a wager, that’s totally acceptable.

"I’ll bet you a BJ that (whatever the bet is)"

9:37 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, but guys will accept sexual favors for things done more often than a woman.

9:39 AM Mr. Blue

If sex were currency, attractive women would be the 1%.

Mr. Blue

I love this Colton Burpo kid.

Why would God talk to someone named "Burpo" unless He's a jokester?

2:09 PM Mr. Silver

(gulps air a while, belch talks) “Ohhh Gooood whaaat is yooooor pllaaaann...?" 

(gulping noises in the sky) "PEEACE OOON EARRRRRTH! … … GODZILLAAAAHHHH!  … AYE EEE EYE oh … Hehehe!"

2:09 PM Mr. Blue

Apparently Jesus has a sword made of fire, and God rides a danged horse, and there's every kind of cereal in heaven.

This is the Christians' proof.

2:09 PM Mr. Amethyst

Cereal!!!!!!

...

Dumb.

2:10 PM Mr. Brown

God always talked to his worshipers while burping: “and the sky rumbled”.

Day 297 - Woolslayer The Barbarian, "Now Let's TALK About The Blue Tiger", Only We Are Entitled, Supercritical Snacks, and "The Adventures of Schlock Holmes"

Mr. Silver

(Reads email about Kudos Award)

“Winner: Mick Woolslayer”

Mr. Silver

Wool Slayer!

1:59 PM Mr. Brown

I think we talked about that before. LOL

Rock scream singing "WOOL SLAYER !!! I slay the wool so you don't get cool!”

2:00 PM Mr. Blue

Mort tried asking him what his name means and he wasn't really receptive.

2:00 PM Mr. Silver

(heroic music...brass, drums)  "In a time of legends, before the 3rd dynasty of the Aquilonians...HE came."

"The scourge of Hell, the sheep, had ravaged the land from the Sea of Spiders to the south, to the Ice Teeth in the north..."

I'm picturing a campaign to subjugate the demons, resulting in our current passive quadruped friends.

But I'm too busy to write it.

2:05 PM Mr. Brown

All I can keep coming up with is a Metal anthem called Wool Slayer

“WOOOOOOOLLL SLAYYYYYER! EEE AAAAARRRRRRRR!”

2:05 PM Mr. Silver

We'll fit it in the movie.

Mr. Blue

“I remember the First War - the way the sky burned, the faces of sheep destroyed. I saw a third of our flock banished, and the creation of Hell. I stood with my brothers and watched wool fall. But now my brothers are not brothers, and we have come here where we are mortal to steal the dark sweaters, to serve our cause. I have always obeyed, but I never thought the wool slaying would happen again.”

2:08 PM Mr. Brown

He stands at the crest of the the hill, at the top of the battlefield; wearing his black woolen sweater and sheep's head helmet, holding the biggest lamb chop ever seen.

Mr. Brown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maltese_tiger

11:31 AM Mr. Silver

"China's Maltese tiger is considered so rare partially because Malta is not in China, and partially because there are no tigers in Malta."

11:31 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

11:32 AM Mr. Silver

"Underneath the blue and black stripes, the Maltese tiger is rumored to be made of gold and jewels, and has been sought for many years by gangster types in old movies."

11:33 AM Mr. Blue

"The scruff dreams are made of"

meh

11:34 AM Mr. Silver

You tried.

Mr. Silver

So Mr. Green indulged in a couple hours of Fox News to see how bad it is last night.

Mr. Green

It's disturbing...truly disturbing. I spent a couple hours watching it last night just see what they were saying about the shutdown, debt limit, etc., compared to MSNBC and CNN. Anyone that watches Fox News has to truly be a hateful idiot.

7:11 AM Mr. Green

They really blame the President for EVERYTHING... bad mouth him at every turn. 

7:13 AM Mr. Green

You know how I know the President is a decent guy? He hasn't had Rupert Murdock killed. I would if I was him...

7:16 AM Mr. Silver

Hehe

Point.

7:29 AM Mr. Green

LMAO! This was what I was watching last night... http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/10/09/the-only-thing-crazier-than-the-shutdown-is-fox-news-coverage-of-it/

8:06 AM Mr. Silver

Loonies

8:11 AM Mr. Silver

However you talk to that type and they seem to all be like that.

"All the stuff I get is my God given right!  I can't believe the corrupt gummint hands out to them." (for example)

9:36 AM Mr. Silver

Mrs Silver's sister and her ex are like that.

9:36 AM Mr. Brown

Its my God given right to have public money given to me, but not them.

9:36 AM Mr. Silver

Friend of ours and her husband are like that too.

"They're cutting a bunch of funding for my kid's special needs.  We were having trouble as it was."

Mrs. Silver "Stop voting Republican, Christie.  They're the ones always screaming to cut your stuff."

"Welllll....."

9:36 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

I read that on Facebook almost weekly.

People think that, like, most or even all of our tax dollars go to people that sit on the couch and watch TV all day.

I forget what percentage of our taxes even goes towards welfare (let alone what percentage of welfare recipients abuse the system) but it's miniscule.

Taxes go to important things like roads and police and fire and schools.

I think that's a basic concept that most conservatives do not understand.

9:43 AM Mr. Blue

"I just saw someone at the grocery store buying steaks with food stamps. I’m SO GLAD my tax dollars are going towards that!!"

9:43 AM Mr. Silver

Mrs Silver's sister "Cut all these handouts to these people! They just abuse it and then have more kids!"

"How's it going with your 3 kids and that WIC stuff?"

"Great! It really helps!"

9:44 AM Mr. Blue

Well *they* don't abuse it, but everyone else does, you see?

9:45 AM Mr. Silver

I'm sure!

Mr. Silver

Must be in a mood...cupcakes coming around for the party. 

(overheard behind me)  "I'll put on gloves and start passing them out."

(My mind going paranoid) "Gloves!?  Why do you need to wear gloves!?  What kind of cupcakes ARE these!?!?" 

3:01 PM Mr. Blue

You misheard. It's YELLOW cakes.

3:02 PM Mr. Silver

Katzenjammer is building a BOMB!

3:03 PM Mr. Blue

WARNING: do not stare directly into cupcakes.

3:05 PM Mr. Silver

Caution: Follow Alpha and Beta radiation protocols when handling cupcakes.

3:05 PM Mr. Brown

Caution: These cupcakes are hot.

3:06 PM Mr. Blue

"Why is my cupcake glowing?"

3:06 PM Mr. Blue

If blisters, vomiting or hair loss occurs, please see your supervisor.

9:31 AM Mr. Blue

I never got into Sherlock, but I like detective stuff.

Poirot is cool.

9:32 AM Mr. Silver

I think Moriarty's biggest claim to fame is probably because he was the only named villain worth writing a pop play, film or TV show about.

PBS can do a Sherlock series with a lot of uninspiring villain names...

But if Hollywood was to try "Sherlock Holmes and the Fatal Plot of Some Guy Named Jim", it isn't gonna sell tickets.

9:33 AM Mr. Blue

Are there any good Sherlock Holmes movies that either aren't watered down for censorship reasons or over-the-top like Downey's?

9:34 AM Mr. Silver

"Murder By Decree"

Decidedly nasty.

Sherlock hunts Jack the Ripper.

9:35 AM Mr. Blue

Cool.

9:35 AM Mr. Silver

When you watch it, you'll find it very familiar, unfortunately.

9:35 AM Mr. Blue

Why's that? People ripped it off?

9:36 AM Mr. Gray

"The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" for the win.

9:36 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, that's a good one.

9:36 AM Mr. Silver

The “original” graphic novel that was turned into the Johnny Depp movie “From Hell” clearly plagiarized it, and no one said anything.

9:36 AM Mr. Blue

I've seen “From Hell” a few times, its not bad.

It shows his drug habits and the nastier side of investigations.

9:45 AM Mr. Blue

I haven't seen haven't seen "The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother".

I went looking for some Clint Eastwood movies on Netflix.

There are more Clint Howard movies than there are Clint Eastwood movies.

9:53 AM Mr. Silver

"Clint Eastwood and Clint Howard together at last as Sherlock and Watson!"

9:54 AM Mr. Blue

Jesus...

9:58 AM Mr. Blue

"Clint Eastwood and Clint Howard in 'The Good, the Bad and the Supremely Ugly'."

9:58 AM Mr. Silver

Howard's Watson - "Holmes, I don't doubt your conclusions...no one does.  But we can never prove it in court."

Moriarty "And, as I still profess my innocence, that is the way the cards fall. An excellent game, Holmes, but I'm afraid I walk free.."

Eastwood's Holmes - "You forgot my trump card. (pulls out revolver, blasts Moriarty). Yeah...good game..."

10:01 AM Mr. Brown

My name is DracuBLAH.

10:01 AM Mr. Silver

I'd watch that film.

I'd watch both the Sherlock and vampire one, really.

Who are you casting as DracuBLAH?

10:02 AM Mr. Brown

Hmm. That's a good one to think hard about.

10:02 AM Mr. Blue

Clint Howard, obviously.

10:02 AM Mr. Silver

Gold!

10:03 AM Mr. Blue

Investigator "Very distinctive bite marks.. looks like they were bitten by a woodchuck."

10:03 AM Mr. Blue

How about a romantic comedy where Taylor Lautner and Clint Howard compete for the affections of.. let's say.. Julianne Hough?

10:04 AM Mr. Brown

No. Halle Berry.

10:04 AM Mr. Blue

Too old.

10:04 AM Mr. Brown

That’s the point. Go the other way with it for once.

10:04 AM Mr. Blue

Well then, make it.... Judi Dench.

10:04 AM Mr. Brown

OK, so Clint Howard is DracuBLAH...and Lautner is VAN Helsing.

10:05 AM Mr. Blue

Always a loud emphasis on VAN.

10:05 AM Mr. Brown

Right

LOL

We need to throw in a Frankenstein.

10:06 AM Mr. Silver

Woody Allen as Frank Stein

10:06 AM Mr. Blue

Neurotic New York scientist, re-animating his dead relationships and regretting it.