Day 298 - Idiot Alien Assholes, Doctor Does-Nothing, "She's Not Bringing Sexy Back (Nope!)", and "In The Beginning Was The Burp And The Burp Was God"

Mr. Blue

If aliens wanted to abduct us they would be able to without us even noticing.

This whole showing up out of the blue and dragging fully conscious people on board for testing is too much for me.

12:52 PM Mr. Brown

Honestly, they could be.

LOL

12:53 PM Mr. Blue

There are plenty of known gases that knock us out but are otherwise harmless.

12:53 PM Mr. Gray

I just want to know why its always some hick from a trailer park or something.

12:53 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

"We keep coming here anal probing people and all we've learned is that 1 out of 10 really doesn't seem to mind."  (Kids in the Hall - Mr. Silver)

12:54 PM Mr. Gray

You never hear about some general or scientist or famous person being abducted.

Its always Jethro and the boys who were out drinking.

12:55 PM Mr. Blue

Perhaps there's a natural phenomenon, like spores or something that cause hallucinations.

It doesn't happen to city folk because the spores are only out in the wild.

Kind of like DMT users seeing machine elves.

Whatever the spores or fungus does to your brain, it makes you feel like you're being abducted or levitated or experimented on by humanoids... and then the people just kind of connect the rest of the dots.

1:07 PM Mr. Silver

I've wondered if aliens have picked non-scientists and such because they are only of equivalent intelligence, or aren't even as smart as us...they just have better stuff. A physicist or the like realizing this and revealing it to the rest of earth would be a disaster.

1:08 PM Mr. Brown

Actually, there are lots of cases of abduction of city folk.

1:11 PM Mr. Gray

But they are never the ones you hear about.

1:12 PM Mr. Brown

They keep to themselves.

LOL

1:21 PM Mr. Silver

(Searches "scientists abducted by aliens")

Hits = 0

Yay Google!

1:21 PM Mr. Brown

They control Google.

LOL

12:29 PM Mr. Brown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascagoula_Abduction

12:32 PM Mr. Brown

Sounds like a scarecrow got these guys.

12:37 PM Mr. Blue

There are a lot of differences in the aliens descriptions, but there's always certain characteristics that stay the same: they're small/frail and they tend to have small mouths but usually big eyes. These dudes claimed theirs had no eyes.

A small mouth usually indicates (as people suggest) that they communicate telepathically.

So these are creatures that have mastered telepathy, space travel and even levitation, but apparently not anesthesia.

I'm not sure that an advanced civilization would be smaller/frailer by design.  I mean, we're getting bigger and taller.  Would that plateau and reverse?

12:38 PM Mr. Silver

Probably, yes.

12:43 PM Mr. Brown

Once we reach a point of too many people on Earth, I have a feeling we will start getting smaller.

12:44 PM Mr. Blue

Or dying...

12:45 PM Mr. Silver

(From another abduction article...lost – Mr. Silver) "She informed him that they shared the same God, that the Bible was an authentic text, and that her species wanted to live on Earth but could not due to humanity's tendency towards war and destruction"

Abductee – "Gee...the Bible is a real book people wrote...guess I won't have to throw out my copies. Anyway, thanks for coming all the way here for that instead of a cancer cure or endless energy tech or something frivolous."

Alien - “Oh! I didn't think about... (starts rummaging in UFO bins) ...I'm not sure I have anything that I can...”

Abductee – "Oh no no! Don't trouble yourself...the God/Bible thing and I'm-not-a-racist-I-have-a-friend-who-is-from-Earth stuff was nice..."

Alien - “What? What do you mean 'racist'?”

Abductee - “Better be off soon; I wouldn't want you to be destroyed hanging out in my neighborhood. You know what us humans are like.”

12:46 PM Mr. Silver

If you consider the report, it's a bit telling...

We have the same God.  You have this Bible thing.  We'd live there except the Bible makes you warlike and destructive.

12:47 PM Mr. Gray

"He claimed that he was in fact conscious when the creatures took him on board the craft and led him into a room at the other end of a hallway to the left of the craft's entrance."
If it was only 8 feet wide and 8 feet high, and oval shaped, and had 3 passengers already, how did they fit a hallway and extra rooms?!

12:48 PM Mr. Silver

Tardis!

12:48 PM Mr. Gray

I've drawn enough D&D maps to know that’s not possible without breaking some laws of reality. LOL

3:19 PM Mr. Silver

For me...I can't imagine not changing my family name from Doolittle as soon as we landed in America.

"We used to be the Losers on me mum's side, and the Bums on me dad's, but we changed it."

3:21 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

3:23 PM Mr. Silver

"Of Clan Slob.  Two generations back to Slothe House."

I would change it to “Flushedtoilet”.

3:24 PM Mr. Blue

LOL

Mr. Brown

Mine means Servant of Mary.

We serve the lady.

3:24 PM Mr. Blue

Mr. Pussy-whipped

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

"Lord Peewhipped"

Beat me to it!

3:25 PM Mr. Blue

Heh

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

(applauds)

3:25 PM Mr. Brown

Mary is more important than Jesus, I guess. She needs servants.

LOL

3:25 PM Mr. Blue

She just needs more help around the house.

Jesus is a bachelor, plus can defend himself with his magic.

Mary is, in certain time periods and in certain denominations, almost as important as Jesus.

Mr. Blue

I think I read or heard that, of all the Christian characters that Italian people pray to, Jesus was like fifth.

9:12 AM Mr. Brown

Ha ha!  There is an article that says that female creatures will forgo sex when in pain,

but male creatures can be in severe pain and still want it.

9:12 AM Mr. Amethyst

They didn’t ask me.

"Every woman grew up being told she’s a princess.  My wife thinks she’s a princess and I do too. She needs to remember she’s married to a prince though, and princes like occasional BJ's"

9:14 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

And women wonder why men look for other women.

9:17 AM Mr. Gray

LMAO

9:18 AM Mr. Brown

When a man does something he does not enjoy for a woman, if the woman cannot return the favor it’s dumb.

9:19 AM Mr. Silver

Yes.

9:19 AM Mr. Brown

Happens all the time.

LOL

9:19 AM Mr. Amethyst

I don’t know about that.

9:19 AM Mr. Brown

“Massage my back.”

“OK, Honey!”

9:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

Oh, that type of stuff, sure.

9:20 AM Mr. Brown

“Hey Honey, now my back hurts.”

“Sorry, I can't do that.  My hands get tired.”

Shut the F up and do it, woman!

9:20 AM Mr. Amethyst

I just don’t rub Mrs. Amethyst’s back anymore.  LOL

9:20 AM Mr. Brown

It’s the idea that men, a lot of times, if asked by the woman to do something they’ll do it not worrying about if they like doing it or not. But if they ask the women, they get a no.

But they do it in the thought that one day when they need a back rub, they'll get one.  But if they ask the women, they get a no.

9:21 AM Mr. Silver

I counter sometimes with a positive: "I can give you a front rub" and she'll back off a while.

9:21 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

9:23 AM Mr. Silver

My strategy basically means "Sure, but you're not getting away with falling asleep face down and avoiding any escalation in 'rub' activities."

9:24 AM Mr. Blue

I guess for a guy, a lot more things lead to sex than for a woman.

9:24 AM Mr. Silver

Pft...sure…

I was in the 2% of men who worked at Jammenkatzer, and the resident anthropologist.

9:25 AM Mr. Brown

LOL

9:25 AM Mr. Silver

Once I was trusted and allowed in "the tribe", the women started talking.

And frankly, it got amazingly explicit.

9:26 AM Mr. Amethyst

Yeah dude.  Chicks are WAY more...what’s the word?...perverse than men.

9:27 AM Mr. Silver

Nod.  There wasn't a one of 'em that wasn't a scheming randy sex beast with weird fetish-y desires.  My edgier desires were tame.

"You’re reading Cosmo now, Mr. Silver?"  

"Yeah, I’m trying to keep up..."

9:29 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, they get dirty when talking but hold out a lot.

You end up taking what you can get.

LOL

9:29 AM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

9:30 AM Mr. Brown

Then they wonder why you snap at them sometimes.

They think holding out will give them more power.

How wrong they are.

LOL

If a woman told me “clean the house and I’ll give you a BJ”, damn, that house will be clean.

(This is assuming we’re assuming he’s assuming the odds of her following through are high…I’m assuming – Mr. Silver)

9:36 AM Mr. Amethyst

Nah.

Sex shouldn’t be used as currency.  Now as a wager, that’s totally acceptable.

"I’ll bet you a BJ that (whatever the bet is)"

9:37 AM Mr. Brown

Yeah, but guys will accept sexual favors for things done more often than a woman.

9:39 AM Mr. Blue

If sex were currency, attractive women would be the 1%.

Mr. Blue

I love this Colton Burpo kid.

Why would God talk to someone named "Burpo" unless He's a jokester?

2:09 PM Mr. Silver

(gulps air a while, belch talks) “Ohhh Gooood whaaat is yooooor pllaaaann...?" 

(gulping noises in the sky) "PEEACE OOON EARRRRRTH! … … GODZILLAAAAHHHH!  … AYE EEE EYE oh … Hehehe!"

2:09 PM Mr. Blue

Apparently Jesus has a sword made of fire, and God rides a danged horse, and there's every kind of cereal in heaven.

This is the Christians' proof.

2:09 PM Mr. Amethyst

Cereal!!!!!!

...

Dumb.

2:10 PM Mr. Brown

God always talked to his worshipers while burping: “and the sky rumbled”.