Mr.
Silver
So
I saw a thing in a commercial that bugged me. An effect of
discernment vs. artists and advertisers...
It
showed a man planting a tree.
He
was in a brown outfit, all coordinated, like a service uniform:
Shorts, short sleeves, hat. No gloves
Clean.
He
puts the perfect pot-shaped tree ball in a perfect hole in a perfect
manicured lawn with no sod removed around it.
There
are old growth trees in the immediate vicinity.
And
then he reaches his hand down and brushes it towards the hole...as if
manually pushing dirt in around the ball...yet there is no dirt there
whatsoever on the perfect lawn.
(flash
of realizations) "WHAT the F was THAT?!?"
There
wasn't a single thing right in the entire scene.
8:58
AM Mr. Blue
What
was it for?
8:58
AM Mr. Silver
I
don't even remember.
I
was so taken aback by the combination of everything wrong.
9:00
AM Mr. Blue
*fades
to black* "Coors Light (drink responsibly)"
9:00
AM Mr. Silver
A pro landscaper in shorts?
Short sleeves? No gloves? No dirt? Planting a tree
under big trees that would just kill it? Brushing at a dirt
pile for said tree, in a hole that is too small, in a putting green
lawn, with bare hands instead of a trowel, for the too little dirt
that ISN'T ACTUALLY THERE!
"Coors
Light...go home, we're drunk..."
9:01
AM Mr. Blue
I’ve
noticed a lot of commercials are intended to be comical but the punch
line is just someone (usually a female) saying "DUDE?" or
"SERIOUSLY?" or "YEAH, THAT JUST HAPPENED."
Like...
they paid writers to write that? They got actual currency?
For
a while it was someone saying "awwwkwward", but that seems
to have died off.
9:06
AM Mr. Blue
I
guess commercials aren't meant to be artistic or even long-lasting.
They're
supposed to appeal to the lowest common denominator.
The
writers and marketing team don’t care if a commercial is rehashed
and laughed at 10 years from now.
9:09
AM Mr. Silver
Probably
a mixed blessing if it does last, too.
"Woo!
Viral hit! Millions of clicks! Best campaign ever!"
(10
years later) "I can't believe we're still stuck with this same
God-damned slogan because one 30 second spot went viral 10 F-ing
years ago."
9:14
AM Mr. Silver
(Excited
ad firm presenter) "Our top people have really been working hard
on a new direction in music, imagery, and logos for your product.
We’re sure you’re going to love what we’ve come up with, and
would like to start by showing you th-."
"Too
risky...how about we do something more with the talking cat thing?"
"...
...Sure..."
9:15
AM Mr. Blue
I
imagine the writers pitch a really funny, unique idea to the
CEO/Pres/VP in a staff meeting.
Big-wigs
are all like "Uhh... don't get it."
Writers:
*sigh* "What if the girl just looked at the camera and said
'dude, seriously'?"
"Hahahaha!
I love it! You've got the account."
9:18
AM Mr. Silver
(CEO)
"Too... ...complicated. How about 'that's what SHE
said'?" (execs all laugh...marketing team all looks sad)
9:18
AM Mr. Blue
LOL,
yeah.
Big-wig
"I like your idea of having an all-American family, but what if
we put a spin on it and make the dad a bumbling doofus that would
almost seem incapable of functioning on his own?"
9:21
AM Mr. Brown
“Bla
bla bla bla bla, you were gonna buy this phone anyways, bla bla bla
bla bla.”
9:22
AM Mr. Blue
These
days, McDonalds is like "Let’s spend $10,000,000 to make this
commercial look like it was done by poor art school students on LSD."
I’m
talking about the Filet-o-Fish ones.
9:26
AM Mr. Silver
"The
young mixed-race couple just doesn't look excited enough in the
‘playfully-eating-a-single-fry’ scene. Give them some more
speed."
"But
they've already had enough they don't want to eat the fries."
"Ah."
Mr.
Silver
Another
miracle for John Paul II
11:20
AM Mr. Blue
Hahaha
11:21
AM Mr. Brown
“And
so that’s what happens when you use the Lord’s name in vain.”
11:21
AM Mr. Blue
If
that's not an omen against his canonization, I don't know what is.
11:30
AM Mr. Silver
Maybe
the kid was an a-hole
Maybe
he challenged the sainthood. "Eh! Papa! Iffa
you issa really a saint, how ‘bout you show me-a a miracle, eh?"
(WHAM!)
(In
heaven, Pope JPII) "Sorry...I couldn't show you a miracle on
earth. Ready? (fans cards) Pick one and don't show me
what it is...ok, put it back in..."
Mr.
Brown
I’m
hoping when Superman meets Batman that Batman is beat to Hell.
That
way it’s realistic.
11:55
AM Mr. Silver
The
ol’ one-punch vaporized-head trick?
11:56
AM Mr. Brown
No
no.
I
mean Batman has been at his job for so long he is beat to Hell and
back.
Kind
of like how the recent Batman movies went: he kicks ass, but is all
kinds of beaten up.
The
mortal human factor.
11:58
AM Mr. Silver
Superman
"So (peers briefly but intently) Ah! You’re really Bruce
Wayne, eh? Hmm...good cover. Gotham...pretty messy
place. You do questionable work here."
Batman
"I've been protecting this city for 30 years...Kent."
Supes
"Yeah... Hey, is that your famous computer?"
Bats
"That terminal is just open cases."
Supes
"Ah. (Looks...scans 3 seconds) Be right back."
(zips
out...10 count...zips back) "OK, you can retire.”
(taps delete on case load).
Bats
"What? What did you..."
Supes
“Oh...I ID'd all the criminals involved, located them, disarmed
everything, dismantled all their stuff, disabled all the vehicles and
communications... Stopped for a taco... Then I wrote all
the evidence and details up for Commissioner Gordon. And on the
way back here I took a second or two to correct all the security
issues at the prison and Arkham Asylum since, frankly, the big bad
guys used to just walk out of the place at will."
Bats
"Ah! So you didn't catch any of them! I'm still
relevant!"
Supes
“Well, they're tied up if that's what you mean. I just told
the police where to pick them up is all. I drew a map."
Bats
“I see... So... Where'd you get the taco? I'm...kinda
needing to emotionally eat right now..."
Supes
“A little street stand in Tijuana.”
12:07
PM Mr. Brown
LOL
12:10
PM Mr. Blue
Yeah,
Superman doesn't need Batman.
12:11
PM Mr. Silver
Not
really, no.
12:11
PM Mr. Blue
And
why is Superman not in the normal Batman canon?
Why
use the Bat Signal when you can call Superman?
12:19
PM Mr. Silver
The
Superman Signal is a squeaky dog toy he picked up on the way to meet
the commissioner.
Superman
"OK, everyone authorized to use my signal give it a
squeeze...k...got everyone's variant. Later (zooom)!"
12:26
PM Mr. Brown
Was
there any story line where Batman used a drug to enhance himself?
12:26
PM Mr. Silver
"Quick...Robin!
The Bat Viagra! Also, go to your room...Catwoman and I have
grownup things to discuss."
12:27
PM Mr. Blue
Heheh
Mr.
Brown
I
got a football injury this weekend.
And
no, I did not play football.
It
was a Kinect game.
7:55
AM Mr. Silver
Heh
7:55
AM Mr. Brown
It’s
a field goal game and I went for a big kick.
Mr.
Silver
Set
it on the "Can Can" level, eh?
7:55
AM Mr. Brown
Dragged
the big toe under my foot straight in to the ground.
I
thought I ripped all the tendons in the toe.
7:57
AM Mr. Silver
"It
was the big skirt that came with the game. I was kicking just
fine, making about 85%, and then my leg tangled in the petticoat."
Mr.
Silver
(Music,
dancers on screen in front of field goal post, feathered
helmets, Jerseys for the Moulin Rouge Manglers, voluminous skirts)
"Boys,
“Can
you kick the foot-balls
“Past
the blocking girl wall?
“You
will find us absolutely so dis-trac-ting!
“So,
“Kick
as fast as you can
“If
you think you can can.
“Come
on now and score the ex-tra point! Woo!"
(that
was surprisingly hard to get going)
Mr.
Silver
Doctor
on "Dirty Jobs" - "Fortunately all of the effects
are temporary...except the death thing."
Mr
Pear
We
just need to remember that.
1:25
PM Mr. Silver
Yes
1:28
PM Mr. Silver
That
should be much easier to slip into a conversation than the
"Roadhouse" line.
Ever
tell you that one?
Mr.
Silver
I've
watched the movie once and found it pretty ridiculous.
But
Swayze delivered a line that really stuck.
1:30
PM Mr. Pear
The
suspense…
1:31
PM Mr. Silver
The
unbelievable hotty doctor is patching him up and says "You'll
need stitches. Do you want a local?"
And
he replies "Pain don't hurt."
Mr.
Pear
Hahaha
Oh
man.
My
first thought was "But I do other things real good".
1:35
PM Mr. Silver
Afterward, I
schemed with Mr. Pig Iron: "We must remember this stupid line
and apply it somehow. A conscious effort...practice. It
must be handy and ready."
And
so, we agreed on one.
And
one Fall day, we - the people who watched it - are going to go out
for the evening. And Mrs. Pig-Iron says.
"It's
going to get cold out, you want a jacket?"
and
we remembered, and both said, in Swayze's tone:
"Cold
don't cool..."
1:42
PM Mr. Silver
I've
not gotten to use it again. Though I still will deliver "It's
my way, or we watch 'Roadhouse'." When something needs done and
no one wants to do it.
I've
just realized I've never blogged that story.
2:01
PM Mr. Blue
Ever
hear the story of Bill Murray and Kelly Lynch?
I
guess Lynch's husband is a movie producer, and he's produced some of
Murray's movies, so they're friends.
Every
time Roadhouse is on TV (and that's pretty often), Murray calls up
Lynch's husband at home and describes the sex scenes with his wife in
enthusiastic detail.
"Oh!
Swayze's got her up on the wall! She's up on the wall! She's biting
Swayze's neck! I just saw breasts! I saw 'em!"
2:04
PM Mr. Silver
I
love that, yeah!
I
think Bill and Brian both do it
2:23
PM Mr. Blue
Lynch's
implants were way off in that movie; like 2 grapefruit halves hanging
on a wall.
2:35
PM Mr. Silver
I
can't recall...really don't wanna watch Roadhouse just to verify
grapefruit halves though.
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