499 - Bad Language Straight From The Proto-Horse's Ghost

[12:07 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Alright i got a sotmache ache so i'm out

[12:07 PM] 

Sotmache?  French?

[12:08 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

that is a good one

[12:08 PM] 

More German...hmmm

[12:08 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I just said it in German accent

sounds better that way

[12:09 PM] 

Believe it or not, it's Haitian Creole for "Statement"

[12:09 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

“I've got a statement – I have to go”

[12:09 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

believe it or not...I've been walking on air

[12:10 PM] 

"I've developed pains from telling fellow employees things and I'm out."

[8:39 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I watched the Toxic Crusaders as a kid, so my dad later rented me Toxic Avenger thinking it would be a harmless kid movie

[8:42 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

The director did “Guardians of the Galaxy”

[8:42 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Oh seriously?

James Gunn?

[8:42 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

yeah he got started at Troma

I think i had some of the Toxic Crusader toys but i don't recall the cartoon

[8:43 AM] 

TA is nasty

How they pulled off a crossover to a kid cartoon is mind boggling

[8:44 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Wow, im looking at James Gunn's "Tromeo and Juliet"

[8:47 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Yeah, i definitely had the toy of the 2 headed guy on a surfboard

[8:48 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Cooper likely still has one

[8:48 AM] 

I vaguely assumed that the storyline in "Orgasmo" that it had somehow made the crossover from an X film series to kids entertainment was an homage to the unthinkable success of Toxic Avenger.

[8:53 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Mr. Blue have you heard of George Gallo?

[8:54 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

no

[8:54 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Bodybuilder

He is set to play Arnold S. in a new movie about the golden age of bodybuilding

The movie is called "Bigger"

Shit. Sorry, Gallo is the director

Von Moger is the bodybuilder playing Arnold

[8:57 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Callum von Moger i've heard of

Australian douche bag

[8:58 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Well, i'm sure a lot of body builders are dbags

Lifting attracts them

[8:58 AM] 

(Reviewer) "Young Arnold 'S.' finds a fortune-telling arcade machine and makes a wish to be "Bee-gah" in this delightful and poignant family film about the Golden Age of bodybuilding."

[8:58 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

lol

[8:58 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

heheh

[8:59 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Big Bigger Biggest

Its a triple movie franchise in the making!

[9:02 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

http://www.dw.com/en/archaeology-fossil-teeth-discovery-in-germany-could-re-write-human-history/a-41028029

"Out of Germany"

[9:04 AM] 

"The teeth were found next to the skeletal remains of a horse-like animal that helped date the teeth"

[9:05 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

heh

[9:05 AM] 

(German paleontologists at Ouija board)  "Oh proto-horse....are the primate teeth 4 million years older than the oldest teeth found in Africa?"

(slide...read) “Ja!”

“Are they older than 5 million?"

(slide...read) “Nein!”

“Let me try... Oh proto-horse... Should we reconsider the whole history of mankind?”

“What kind of question is that!?”

“Shh! It's moving.”

(Sliding...) “W I E H E R N”

(press conference scientist) "Without the help of these horse remains, we would have been stumped.  If we win a Nobel for this work, we're going to have them at the ceremony with us."

[9:08 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

"This be old as shit"

That's how i would get up and address things lol

“So how did you determine the age of this tooth?”

"Well I took a good hard look and said yep this has to be old as F***. I mean just look at it "

[9:12 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

"Renowned Scientist Mr. Brown - also an honorary member of the Wu-Tang Clan"

[9:13 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

“Well how old do you think it is?”

"About 10 F***s past old as shit"

[9:14 AM] 

Heh

This is why they asked the horse, Mr. McGreen

[10:45 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

The snake pants on Snake Plissken were a bit much

For sure don't need to do that lol

Do something subtle like in Cobra with the handles of the guns

Maybe put a snake eye on the eye patch

They didn't need full on snake pants

[10:47 AM] 

Snake Plissken had a silly tattoo, not snake pants. Those are just urban camos.

"That 'The Cobra'?"

"That's Lt. Cobretti..."

"Don't they call him 'The Cobra'?" 

"He calls himself 'The Cobra' and tells every rookie to call him that.  But he's a swollen headed a-h who thinks it sounds cool, so don't do it, kid."

[10:48 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

A man who chews on matches

What a waste

hehe

I want to know how they came up with the match chewing

[10:49 AM] 

(Day one in the precinct, morning briefing)

“I'd like everyone to welcome Officer Marion Cobretti.”

"Call me Cobra."

"How about we call you Garter Snake?  Will you get a load of this guy...'call me Cobra'.  Pfff."

(Years later, at a tense hostage situation at an LA Supermarket...)

“This is a tough one. All right...bring in Maid Marion.”

I wrote that into my second novel as advice to the hero. 

"You'll end up with a nickname, probably.  Don't make up your own, and never ever use the one you are given.  You'll look like a fool."

[10:50 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I want a nickname

McClimax hasnt caughton

[10:52 AM] 

Your new nickname is Caughton

Mr. Brown was 'P.S. Mr. Brown' for about a day once

(potential saint)

"See that guy?  That's 'Cotton' McGreen."

"Wow!"

[10:53 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

My true nick name is Happy

[10:54 AM] 

Bleh

If I have commonly known nicknames I'm not aware of them...that's never good.

[10:56 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I dont understand my new nickname

Was this planned?

[10:57 AM] 

I want a nickname

McClimax hasnt caughton

[10:57 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

lol

[10:58 AM] 

Speaking of...names...  This is client is amusing to me: 

STACY COX, LAHOLA DR  

"Pardon...stay to see what???"

(You have no idea what I go through to anonymize these entries yet keep the same joke – Mr. Silver)

[10:59 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I could go with my dating website name: Archibald Meatpants

[11:00 AM] 

That is a fine alias, sir.

498 - Romantic Advice From Monsters

[9:28 AM] 

Last night's minimal-interruption-one-brief-fight-til-Junior-remembered-his-execution-from-last-time Family Film Feature was "Bride of Fra-"

"I thought we were watching the 'Dracula' one."

"WHAT 'Dracula' one?"

Anyway...I found and we watched '79s "Dracula" starring Langella, Pleasence, and Olivier

So "Bride" continues to gather dust

I like that version of Dracula

They did too

In a genre-to-itself of none-are-really-that-great “Dracula” films, it is one of the better of them.

Bram Stoker's is probably the best simply for sticking to the main story and the performances...despite Keanu's accent.

Though Goths deluding themselves into thinking the original had any romance in it always makes me laugh.

I remember all the promos of alt-folk gushing about how it “really captured the nuances” and brought forth the “love story in the book”.

Meanwhile I'm thinking "Not a single one of you have actually read “Dracula”.  You all watched the '79 one with Frank Langella and think it followed the book."

Years later and I'm reading it at home right now... Keeping a special eye peeled for “all the romance”.

Zip

Dracula is a complete monster who soul rapes Mina to hurt his hunters...and says that's what he's doing.  He only speaks about 8 lines after he gets to the UK

[9:52 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

It's a monster story

I would not expect romance

But on film its an entertaining twist.

[9:53 AM] 

I'll grant that - they wrote a great romance in “Bram Stoker's Dracula”

[9:54 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

I never understood why people made vampires all romantic

I'm going to sneak into your room and I don't care if you want me there I'll drain your blood.

And movies using powers beyond what an old style vamp would have

[9:56 AM]

Well it's naughty...

Sneaking into a girl's room while she's sleeping to mesmerize her and take advantage of her in the 19^th century? Scandalous.

Oh, super vampire movies are just ridiculous anymore.

Like the original Dracula couldn't do enough already.

[9:56 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

I mean some are good

But they go overboard

[9:56 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

I started watching Bram Stoker's Dracula but never finished

Something about it I didn't like...forget what

I'm not a fan of vampires...seem kinda gay

[9:56 AM] 

Keanu's terrible accent?

Melodramatic overacting?

[9:56 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

“Interview with the Vampire”

[9:57 AM] 

Heh... “Interview”. The one I came out of the theater with disappointed book fans and I declared it better than the book “because I wasn't bored almost the whole way through”.

“The Hunger” with David Bowie...I liked that one.

“Let Me In” / “Let The Right One In” 

[9:58 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Let Me In is good.

[9:58 AM] 

Unlife would be miserable

Those movies really caught it

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Dark Shadows

[9:59 AM] 

Didn't see it...tried

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Not bad for knowing its a comedy

The film version, I mean.

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

From Dusk Til Dawn... that movie is stupid as Hell

I recall liking the John Carpenter vampire movie that got panned

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

yeah

Dusk Til Dawn is a cult classic - we know its bad but still watch it

lol

[10:00 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

I know it's bad so I never watch it

[1:13 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Mrs. McGreen isnt really putting out these days, so her opinion of my facial hair is disregarded

That's how that works

[1:15 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

lol

[1:16 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

um yeah

lol

after babies that happens. hormones and such.

always 50/50

[1:17 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

bunch of BS is what it is

[1:20 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

maybe she is having struggles post pardum

[1:21 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

i think its this big gut

i'm hideous

[1:21 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

keep telling her she is beautiful and bringing her flowers and such for no reason

like don't expext anything in return

just bring the flowers a few times just out of the blue and let it happen naturally

[1:23 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

you're a love guru

that method sucks

[1:24 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

well for teaching you it works

lol

also writing poems is good

like poems about them

[1:25 PM] 

"This doesn't rhyme.” (slaps back in Mr. Brown's hand)

[1:25 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

"It does not have to rhyme"

[1:26 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

i'm not writing her a poem

[1:26 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

then you get no booty

[1:27 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Mr. Silver, will you write Mrs. McGreen a poem and ill give it to her?  ill pay you in rum

[1:27 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

somtimes just walking up to them and saying THANK you

and they ask for what

“Being the best mother and wife ever and keeping me from messing up all the time.”

[1:28 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

What a sweetie. Take notes, guys

[1:29 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Women like art

Draw a cartoon of her putting out

[1:30 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

i'll make an erotic cake

[1:30 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

"this looks like me.... going to the bathroom?"

[1:30 PM] 

(Mr. Silver in trench coat, leans out of alley) "Hey...bud... Your girl...she like pomes?  Sonnets 'n sh-?  I got your romannic pomes here.  Anything you want."

I have actually written both kinds of poems for women:

Good and Bad

[1:33 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Like...naughty bad?

[1:33 PM] 

Like didn't work so hot as a piece of art bad

[1:34 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

i see

[1:34 PM] 

Among others, I've written 4 sonnets.  They are not too easy.  I'm proud of three of them.

"Sausage Legs" being my fave of the set

Though that's not the one that caused the girl-intended to cry (And it was the bad one! Win!)

"Sausage Legs" was an "apology"

[1:36 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

i picture a "most beautiful girl in the whole room" kinda thing from you.

[1:37 PM]

No such luck and you should know my style better by now

My dirty-dream-girl of the time was very finely built.

She was wearing brown hose one day and someone said her legs looked like sausages.

I said something like "delicious!" and then laughed. 

Too hard.

[1:37 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

"and me having asburghers decided to write about those sausage legs"

I do that kind of stuff

don't see the issue till afterwards. Sometimes not even then

[1:39 PM] 

Much like "My mistresses eyes are nothing like the sun", I had to turn the whole episode into both a poorly-disguised clever description of me lusting after her legs, as well as apologizing for laughing.

[1:42 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Start the poem as my life

and end with my wie

wife

lol

[1:42 PM] 

"My beloved wie..."

"I loe that your in my lie."

[1:43 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

shell know yours is really done by you when shes sees all the spellign errors

[1:43 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

lol

[1:44 PM] 

Last poem I wrote was for Mrs. Silver for her birthday when we were broke. 

Another wine

Win

Couldn't afford the wine.  If I could we might not have needed the poem

[1:45 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

lol

“Wine and dine and you is fine , please just give me the time.

“Doin the dishes and smack'n the bitches

Write her a rap, then perform it

lol

[1:47 PM] 

Nah. I've less fresh flow than I have stagnant pool

[1:48 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Be sure to make the “erke erke erke shicka shicka verep” sounds

[1:48 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

flowers are always a big hit.. not sure why

[1:49 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

yeah flowers are dumb - they die

nice symbol of your love, right?

[1:49 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

its not the flowers

its the surprise

[1:49 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

"here's something that grew out of dirt and will be dead in a few days"

[1:49 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

hey I got Mrs. Brown an air fyer

boom

flowers and a fryer

[1:50 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

“here's an air fryer, now blow me”

[1:50 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

BOWCHICKA WOW WOW  

"Pass the tots, babe"