309 - "Never Retreat, Never Surrender, Never Fight Seal Hunters", Let The Architecture Reflect The Local Character, "So You're Telling Me To Check The Box?", Computer Security Needs A Champion, and Deadly Diplopodology

Mr. Silver

So I watched "300" with Mrs Silver.

Meaning I watched "300" with Mrs. Silver and loved it (mostly) and she wandered off because it was “too violent”.

"Pft...you watch Vikings, Game of Thrones and True Blood, but you can't handle this?"

It was fun.

But...

2:18 PM Mr. Blue

I didn't care for it. Xerxes was about the only good part.

2:19 PM Mr. Silver

Me "Dude...I understand 'never retreat' and understand 'never surrender', but there should be a 'don't be stupid and not reposition when flanked' clause."

2:20 PM Mr. Blue

Yeah, there's a reason the Spartans didn't reign too long.

2:22 PM Mr. Silver

Sparta?

They were around for centuries.

2:22 PM Mr. Brown

Yeah.

2:22 PM Mr. Silver

I don't think they were particularly intelligent as a culture, but they weren't flops.

2:22 PM Mr. Blue

They were puny with the exception of a few hundred years.

2:22 PM Mr. Silver

So...longer than the United States of America.

Rome was a fishing village.

They just weren't culturally static goobers and decided to spread out a little.

2:23 PM Mr. Blue

It was like feudal Japan.

They were pretty brutal.

Advanced and organized, but brutal.

2:27 PM Mr. Silver

I have some doubts about the accuracy of the equipment and tactics in '300'...

Little details...like...oh...Spartans wore armor.

Like "we fight in the phalanx!"

(unless it's dramatic to completely break their famous discipline and run out into a wide open field for no sane reason)

2:31 PM Mr. Silver

Then there was “Unleash the freemen on the flank against the immortals!”

Me "Um...where did they come from? They sure as heck didn't run out of the pass.”

2:33 PM Mr. Silver

If they'd moved 50' back into that pass and held there, they could have locked down that place a week longer.

2:34 PM Mr. Brown

I'm wondering if they did that in the real battle; held that pass the right way, but were overwhelmed in time.

I forget how the battle went.

2:37 PM Mr. Silver

Well...they all died.

2:37 PM Mr. Brown

Right.

But the real battle. Were they flanked, lose by attrition, or just get overwhelmed?

2:41 PM Mr. Silver

I haven't gotten to look it up again as intended so couldn't say. 

There was a lot more than 300 Spartans and some irregulars there though.

2:47 PM Mr. Blue

And the Persians weren't stretched across the horizon as they were in the film.

Ever see “Troy”?

F***in' armies 20,000,000 strong.

2:49 PM Mr. Silver

"Helen of Troy - The face that launched 200,000 ships."

I have difficulty believing there were 20 million people on earth in the Heroic Age.

2:50 PM Mr. Blue

The armies wouldn't even fit in the cities they were fighting for in the movie.

2:52 PM Mr. Blue

Go back in time a couple thousand years with a Glock and a few boxes of rounds, and you'd rule the world in about a month. LOL

2:59 PM Mr. Brown

Nah, they'd get you with arrows from way out.

If we'd met native Americans before we had guns, oh boy.

LOL

3:00 PM Mr. Silver

The Vikings did. It didn't last.

3:01 PM Mr. Brown

Who? Vikings or natives?

3:01 PM Mr. Silver

See any native Vikings living around Vinland lately?

3:01 PM Mr. Blue

Vikings and Native Americans met without guns.

3:01 PM Mr. Silver

The vikings had to leave...it was embarrassing.

I have a book on the best-assembled bits and reconstructed events of the attempted holding of a settlement in North America.  Pretty interesting.

3:05 PM Mr. Silver

They...um...lost to seal hunters after a stupid misunderstanding.

Poor vikings.

3:13 PM Mr. Silver

Some of the book, as I recall, was the author taking stories and sagas of the Vikings to get into their heads and understand their POV and attitudes about stuff, and then taking some of the arrogant-warrior-jerk spin back off of them.

3:20 PM Mr. Silver

I think it went that they liked the place, picked a spot, started settling in, and all was going well.  They encountered a few skraelings (natives) at a distance. 

Eventually the natives came in to meet the new neighbors all friendly-like.

They had not seen a steel axe before and "TRIED TO STEAL IT!!!!"  (translation: Asked politely to have a look and touched it.)

And that was the end of diplomacy and a fight broke out, because you don't touch another man's axe; especially if you're a dirty inferior foreign skraeling.

3:22 PM Mr. Brown

Yay viking culture.

LOL

Yeah, a dumb reason to start a fight.

3:22 PM Mr. Blue

I imagine both sides had some weird cultural things that the other side could have easily been offended by.

3:24 PM Mr. Silver

Nod. 

After the first fight, the natives naturally recognized the superior Scandinavians as their masters right away, and immediately bowed to their authority...until the natives didn't.

And the next time they ran into each other the native “simple seal hunters” beat the living tar out of the vikings.

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

And though the Norse heroes loved their Gods-granted chosen land, they decided after a few one-sided scraps that they'd “come back later”...but it wasn't like they were running away or anything.

Mr. Silver

"Ohio Lawmakers also want to limit the teaching of the attractive architecture process"

http://arstechnica.com/science/2014/08/ohio-lawmakers-want-to-ban-schools-from-teaching-scientific-process/

12:58 PM Mr. Blue

Yeah, worst state capitol ever.

"Shouldn’t we put a dome on this thing?" 

"Naaaaah"

1:01 PM Mr. Silver

Governor "And this is the final design, huh?"

Architect "Yup!"

"Did you finish at breakfast before running out the door?"

"Well...yes.  How did you know?"

"The Quaker Oats cylinder on the top of the model."

"Ah...yeah, about that..."

"We LOVE it!"

"I'm really sorry, but-... You do?"

(Gaggle of suits) "Awesome!"

"Unique!"

"Flat as Ohio on top!"

"Flat as the average Ohioan politician’s personality!"

"Flat as our tastes!"

"Flat as our heads!"

”High in the middle and round at both ends! Get it?” 

(All) "HAHAHA!"

(Architect backs away)

1:07 PM Mr. Blue

Oregon’s capitol is worse. Looks like a mausoleum.

1:14 PM Mr. Blue

I don't mind Louisiana or North Dakota…at least they did something different than the ol' Greek revival stuff.

3:22 PM Mr. Silver

I'm not sure why I even bother...

Koppel is a pinhead...so I warn him.

"Don't check the box...

“See the box?

“Tell me what it says.

“That's the box.

“Don't check it.

“Don't check it.

“That's right, don't check it."

2 minutes later he OBVIOUSLY F-ING CHECKED THE F-ING BOX.

"Did you check the (f-ing) box (you moron)?"

"I don't remember."

"Well, you did."

Mr. Blue

"Paladin" is in the list of most common passwords used.

10:59 AM Mr. Silver

Interesting.

11:03 AM Mr. Silver

"New passwords need to be at least 6 characters long...must contain a number from 1 to 12...and needs to be Lawful Good or a champion from the Battle of Roncevaux."

Mr. Blue

The water wasn't very crystal at Camp Crystal Lake

10:59 AM Mr. Silver

It was Mud Lake before the strategic marketing meeting.

11:01 AM Mr. Blue

"Visit beautiful Scum Lake!"

"Take a canoe to tranquil Millipede Island!"

11:06 AM Mr. Blue

Wow.. millipedes can cause train derailments?

Other species exhibit periodical swarming behaviour, which can result in home invasions,[46] crop damage,[47] train delays, or even train crashes and derailments.[48][49]

11:06 AM Mr. Silver

Holy crap...that's verified?

11:07 AM Mr. Blue

http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/09/04/millipedes-yes-millipedes-may-be-responsible-for-australian-train-crash/

11:07 AM Mr. Silver

It must have been a bunch and made it slick as they were crushed up.

11:08 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah.

11:10 AM Mr. Silver

Mrs. Silver and I took Mrs. Gray out to (park) over the weekend to burn off some stress while he was tearing his hair out over a writing project...

And Silver Jr. spotted a good sized millipede.

Jr. "Come look!"

Gray "No way!  I don't like looking at anything buggy with a lot of legs.  Ugh!"

Me "Hmmm...I'll have to remember that for the next D&D game: 'The party is jumped by a 50' long millipede!  It charges at you at a scorching quarter mile-per-hour!"

Gray (evil glare)

11:12 AM Mr. Blue

Heh

Millipedes are amongst the least creepy bugs, IMO.

11:13 AM Mr. Silver

Centipedes, however...

The “sports” millipede

11:13 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah.

11:13 AM Mr. Silver

Fast, carnivorous, and with painful bites to boot!

11:16 AM Mr. Blue

Yeah, they're venomous.

The Amazonian giant centipede, is the largest existing species of centipede in the world, reaching over 30 cm (12 in) in length. It is known to eat lizards, frogs, birds, mice, and even bats, catching them in midflight,[8] as well as rodents and spiders.

Day 308 - The Hole-Filled Grail, Gay Guys Mills, Haunted By Electric Ghosts, The Unkillable Mr. Brown, Hot Scars, It's So Cold Ema Rossum's Commas Are Poking Out, and The Curse Of Popeye The Sailor Man

Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2718010/Twelve-police-dog-raided-quiet-village-pub-hunt-missing-relic-thought-Holy-Grail-wooden-salad-bowl.html

Aha! We got you now! Say does this grail have a bit of salad in it? Yep it does. Dang it!

12:26 PM Mr. Blue

It *would* be a miracle to drink out of that.

12:31 PM Mr. Silver

"Gingerly take this cup and drink of it carefully.  This is my blood so don't slosh it around. CAREFUL!"

12:34 PM Mr. Silver

"And the Lord did sigh in frustration, and said.  Takest thou this dishtowel and wipe up my blood with it.  No it's not a special dishtowel.  No it's NOT a miracle.  Just...just let me do it...gimmie it!"

12:37 PM Mr. Silver

"And the Lord did call for a better cup and more wine, but there was no better cup to be had, and the disciples were just more careful the next time."

12:38 PM Mr. Blue

This is my body, which is given for you; now take this can and Do the Dew.

Mr. Blue

Mr. Woodcock on Blue Ball Rd.

3:13 PM Mr. Silver

Sounds like a euphemism for a relationship problem.

"It might have come up Blue Ball from here...the Missus and I are actually at our vacation home on Tease Rd in LaCock PA."

3:20 PM Mr. Blue

I read somewhere that Guys Mills PA used to be called Gays Mills

3:25 PM Mr. Silver

(proud farmer in 50's commercial) "So all you folks out there just ask yerself...'Where do you get YOUR Gay?'  (nods, winks...holds up loaf of bread...disturbing smooching to audience)"

3:26 PM Mr. Blue

Heheh

3:28 PM Mr. Silver

"(voiceover) Gay Guys Mills Bread...next time, why not choose Gay Guys?"

3:31 PM Mr. Silver

"Gay Guys Mills produces the finest breads and rolls with no strange additives.  Ask yourself...does your current bread have a queer taste?  Why not go Gay instead?"

Sadly this gag could run for hours but you waited too late in the day to put it up.

"(Happy mom) Me and the kids?  We all love Gay Guys!"  (little precocious boy) "We found out even daddy loves Gay Guys!"

(done)

Mr. Brown

So in an episode of Start Trek:Next Gen, I saw Data do a complete shutdown. Geordi thought he died, so he closed his eye lids which proceeded to twitch like he was not turned off.

7:46 AM Mr. Silver

Like low battery doesn't do weird stuff...

7:46 AM Mr. Brown

He was in a full system reboot.

I guess now that I think about it, some of his processes were still running.

7:47 AM Mr. Silver

In a twist of circumstance difficult to explain, Mrs Silver and I were sleeping in Silver Juinors's twin bed a couple Friday nights back.

Mr. Brown

Did it start shaking on its own? I've had that happen to me lots of times.

7:49 AM Mr. Silver

That's your own heartbeat starting up an oscillation.

Anyway.

In the dead of night I'm awoken to the noise of some machine running.  I was too groggy to sort out what it might be.  A low grinding or growling...mechanical. 

7:50 AM Mr. Silver

It ran at a low volume...then got louder for a couple minutes, then stopped. 

I fell asleep...”figure it out later”.

And then "PEEP PEEP!"

"Augh!  It's Thomas the Tank Engine!"

Mr. Silver

And now it's grinding and peeping at intervals, and Mrs Silver is hanging half off the bed, digging nearly blind in a toy box.

“Get it!  Get it!  Augh!"

8:00 AM Mr. Silver

She finds it.  "I can't find the switch!"

8:05 AM Mr. Silver

I turn it off. 

This was a toy designed to follow a track made with water on a special track he got as a present when he was about 5.

It hadn't made a noise for years, and suddenly it's going berserk.

That wasn't the creepiest though.

The creepiest was the Sesame Street tool bench.

8:07 AM Mr. Brown

Oh yes the toys you turn off and forget about then they turn themselves back on later.

Mr. Blue (arrives partway in...)

Dreams?

8:12 AM Mr. Brown

Stuff of Nightmares

8:12 AM Mr. Silver

I'm surprised Silver Jr. is as normal as he is.

He'd complain about the workbench but it made no sense why.

Then I caught it late one night.

When the battery got low, it would do 2 things:

Make a sound of a power saw...

and then Bert would say "I SAW that.  Hehehe!"

8:18 AM Mr. Brown

HAHAHA

9:31 AM Mr. Blue

BTW ya'll, Mr. Brown is having another kid.

9:32 AM Mr. Silver

Yes, a long line of doctors will continue to be baffled by his genes.

9:32 AM Mr. Brown

“Ok, how are you still alive?”

“Well, I get that from my father's side.”

9:35 AM Mr. Silver

Geneticist "But this one section of chromosome...here...seems to be made of adamantium or something.  It appears to be all that kept generation after generation alive.  The thing is immutable...we blasted a sample with gamma rays."

Mrs. Brown "But the baby is fine?" 

Geneticist "Oh sure!  But look at this...we made a progression out about 10 generations for fun.  (taps something on laptop, swings screen around)  Boneless pimply brown blobs!  Cool huh?"

Mrs Brown "AUGH!"

Geneticist "An understandable reaction, ma'am, but they'll live forever and reproduce by budding.  Your descendants will be perfect for the coming environmental disasters." 

9:39 AM Mr. Brown

I have transcended into a virus.

9:42 AM Mr. Brown

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2725613/Teenager-fell-asleep-iPhone-5-scarred-life-gadget-burns-2ins-hole-arm.html

9:43 AM Mr. Blue

99% of the population would have probably woken up before it got that far.

9:45 AM Mr. Silver

I'm betting he did it on purpose so he'd have a cool scar to make up for looking like such a ponce.

9:47 AM Mr. Silver

"The birds never guv me a second look til I got the burn.  Hurts like Billy-O but I tell 'em it's nothing I can't take, right?  Better than that Axe stuff any day."

9:57 AM Mr. Brown

I know I looked like a sissy girl when I messed up the end of my toe other day.

Normally I handle stuff better.

Its like when you shave a chunk of skin off; it hurts worse than just cutting off a appendage.

LOL

9:58 AM Mr. Silver

I can't recall ever shaving off any chunks.

1:45 PM Mr. Brown

These people doing the icebucket challenge are wimps.

They dump the ice in then just dump it on their head.

Leave it in the water awhile, then try it.

1:48 PM Mr. Blue

Yeah.

It's just luke warm.

1:50 PM Mr. Brown

I like Ema Rossum's though. She looks like she did it right.

1:52 PM Mr. Silver

...?

White cotton t-shirt and no bra, or something?

1:52 PM Mr. Brown

No bikini top and looks like the water was actually cold.

1:52 PM Mr. Silver

No bikini top?  Awesome!

1:53 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

1:53 PM Mr. Silver

The power of punctuation.

1:49 PM Mr. Blue

The cartoon character Popeye the Sailor Man is portrayed as having a strong affinity for spinach, becoming physically stronger after consuming it. The commonly accepted version of events states this portrayal was based on faulty calculations of the iron content.[20] In the version, German scientist Emil von Wolff misplaced a decimal point in an 1870 measurement of spinach's iron content, leading to an iron value ten times higher than it should have been, and this faulty measurement was not noticed until the 1930s. This caused the popular misconception that spinach is high in iron that makes the body stronger.

1:50 PM Mr. Silver

Yup.

"Once the math mistake was detected in the late 1930s, Hitler caused the disgraced German scientist to be exhumed, publically stripped of degree and citizenship, and buried under a one room elementary school in Poland."

"We don't need his type here," said the Fuhrer, "and he will be placed where his ghost can cause the least harm in the new world order."

"The bones were retrieved, decades later, and cremated by a descendant, who kept the urn at his workplace...measuring and polishing mirrors for the Hubble Space Telescope."