482 - YEEAAAAUUUUGGHHH!!!!!, Death Cures Everything, "Lo Siento No Quiero Hablar Ingles", Football Poll, Some Strategies For Impressing North Korea, Canine Capacity, and Osteen's Ark

[3:05 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Please watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twc3iCcBF_A

[3:06 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Have a nice day please.

[3:08 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

"Don't bother fighting... He'll pass out from all the gag-shrieking in a few seconds"

[3:13 PM] 

I'm giggling over here and I can't even see what they are doing.

[3:13 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

lol

[9:11 AM] 

So on the TV in the break room – A commercial for “Opdivo”, a cancer med that will give you a "chance to live longer"

They got through the happy smiling quality-life sunny parts

Then they opened part two with --

"Wellllll...it's an anti-body thing that might kill your internal organs during treatment."

"..."

"Or after you've had the treatment."

"At any time, really."

"Without warning."

"Actually, here's the list of symptoms and trouble signs to watch for."

(15 solid seconds of every human-detectable condition that exists, read fast)

"So tell your doctor if you have any of these...”

“(Like...right away...so they can send the coroner around.)"

and finally...

...the ultimate

"THESE ARE NOT ALL THE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF OPDIVO."

(caps mine)

(closing words) "A chance to live longer.  Who wouldn't want that?"

AUGH!!!!!

[9:14 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

"Hey, you know your dying, so you might as well live longer or die faster. Try this new drug that will do either."

[9:15 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

"Caution: May affect non-patients in the same room as the treatment."

[9:16 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Ashoo Ashoo We all fall down

[9:16 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

"Do not taunt Opdivo."

“Opdivo: It'll kill the cancer...and also you."

[9:17 AM] 

So I Googled this crap -

"Dec 16, 2015 - Smiling, healthy faces in this Opdivo commercial distract from the adverse effects, high costs, and marginal benefits of the drug."

[9:20 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Sounds like a conspiracy thing but I'm pretty sure there are drugs that work 10 times better for these things, that have fewer side effects, that don't get through the approval process.

[9:21 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Over half the patients taking the drug experience severe side effects

[9:25 AM] 

So the other half just gets the lesser side effects?

"New Cyanide-AC.  Just bite down on one capsule and your cancer worries are over in about 45 excruciating minutes.  No side effects!"

"Cyanide-AC... Just one treatment and your cancer woes are gone forever."

[3:12 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

It's astounding that someone in this area can't speak English

[3:12 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

At least broken English

[3:12 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

I can understand living in like East LA or San Antonio and not needing to know English

[3:13 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Normally they have family members that do

[3:16 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Probably mostly old people that are set in their ways and were maybe dragged along by the rest of their family.

Don't care to learn, their brain isn't sharp anymore, don't get out much.

After a certain age it gets exponentially more difficult to learn a new language

I assume after some point it's nearly impossible

"Hey grandma we're moving to America and we're bringing you along."

"Aye dios mio."

[3:26 PM] 

¿Qué es el inglés para "por qué demonios quieres ir allí?"

[12:02 PM] 

Felt like writing "pool" on a bunch of post-its and fixing all these "Football Poll" typos on these posters whoever is running it is putting up.  And then it shows up in an official Katzenjammer email?!?

"We'z havin' a Foooot-bahl Poll, n'at!"

[12:03 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Pole,  polio, Pocono, poul?

[12:03 PM] 

"Really?  What subjects are you gathering data on in this football poll?"

"Not Pole...Poll!  We'z doo'n um Ahl seazin lahng."

[9:58 AM] 

So the US reaction to NK was to drop bombs on SK.

Designated area, of course...but what is the point?

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Sabre-rattling

[9:59 AM] 

Wanna impress you mean business?  What you design is a MIRV with parachuted dummies.

Launch missile...drop payload gently on 5-8 major targets.

Put a nice "This required no effort on our part. If this had been an actual attack" note with each one with damage statistics and such. 

[9:59 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Trump is the anti-Roosevelt.  Speak loudly and carry a small stick

[10:00 AM] 

With your small hands

[10:01 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

How about a MIRV loaded with USB sticks and DVDs of western stuff... music, films, news reports

[10:01 AM] 

Supplies of good food

[10:02 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

What if he turns out to be a Speak loudly and carry a big stick?

[10:03 AM]

(With your small hands)

What if they dropped parachuted clouds of all the thousands of guns law enforcement collects...loaded...with a note on each saying "Handle your government"

[10:03 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Good idea

Maybe even tactical info against their own government. Like maps and satellite photos of Pyongyang and military installations

[10:07 AM] 

Once done?  They won't be armed.  Out of bullets.

[10:07 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Yep

The Chinese could consider that a provocation by the US. 

But it could even be done by non-government groups.

Best idea - drop those weapons inside their known internment / labor camps

There's your rebel army - the people that have little to lose and everything to gain

and 100% hate the regime

[10:10 AM] 

Clever

But not distributed

[10:10 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

True

[10:11 AM] 

I know they'd want to check the entire capital for 100000 concealed handguns...but how many people and how much time would that take?  And how many of those inspections would end with dead officials?  They'd balk at doing them soon enough.

[10:12 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

You ever see how many medals their generals have?

Clear down the leg

Refilled Stapler medal

Said Thank You medal

[10:13 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

Woodcarving medal

[10:14 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Wiped After Using Bathroom medal

[10:14 AM]

The leg thing is a gag. 

"For meritorious Basket Weaving under fire"

Sound like bad Boy Scout merit badges

[12:39 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Mr. Blue, there is some kind of hound up behind the mall that somebody is trying to find a home for.

My sister just sent me the info but Mrs. Brown will not let us have another dog

lol

[12:55 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

We're at max capacity

A "hound"?

[12:56 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Yeah. Its got the colors of a beagle but is way bigger

[12:56 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Ah

[12:56 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Mrs. Brown says we are at max capacity too

Although we could fit one

lol

She doesn't want another. Not allowed til both pets die, according to her

[12:56 PM] 

We were at max capacity before we got the second cat...

[12:57 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

The dog has a nice bandana already

lol

[1:05 PM] 

"Hi, I'm calling about the hound?  Yes.  What kind of bandanna does it come with?"

[1:06 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

lol

[1:14 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

I keep telling this bitch to close everything and she closes it and reopens it

[1:20 PM] 

This still the same hound you’re talking about?

[2:39 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

You see how Joel Osteen, that big time preacher, would not let people stay in his mega church til recently?

Now he is trying to defend himself saying he did not do it right away due to safety issues.

[2:39 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Well he was just thinking "Duh, they shoulda been prepared"

[2:40 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

“I taught them every week about Noah and the flood nobody prepared. I saw no arks floating by.”

[2:42 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

There was a safety issue in that he wanted to save the floors from getting wet

I have a hard time calling that a "church"

[2:42 PM]  

(During moment of silence) "Come ON! Just start the F-n' GAME!"

[2:43 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

He was claiming the waters made it to just across the street and he did not want people to come there and get flooded out again.

If that is really the case it is sound...that would be a safety concern.

People think because its a church he should have opened the doors right away as soon as rain fell

[2:43 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

The spokesperson said it was inaccessible

[2:49 PM] 

I saw videos of people in front of the church while it was still raining...nothing accumulated where they were

481 - Disgusting Tomoatos, What Exactly IS The Idea?, Prince Mud, and The Explosive Yerba Mate Effect

[2:06 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Those chips kinda taste like green tomoato

[2:07 PM] 

It'll probably taste like the only thing flavored like fried green tomoato I've ever had since I've never had a tomoato. 

[2:08 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I actually have some green tomotatos at home

I'm going to fry them

Will have to try a chip then eat one

LOL

But they mostly taste like modified garden salsa chips

[2:09 PM]

“Tomato”, Mr. Brown

That tasted roughly like a mild sour cream and onion potato chip

[2:16 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I know

A real green tomato has more of a tang to it

[2:17 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Tomatoes are disgusting

[2:17 PM] 

They are? All of them?

There's a few kinds, you know.

Issue with taste, consistency, smell?  Poisonous?

[2:18 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Green has a total different flavor than green

I mean red

lol

[2:19 PM] 

The one has a capital green flavor.

[2:20 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

I don't like the watery explosion when you bite into them

The taste is like... dull, but kind of bitter

Like bad water

[2:22 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I like cutting them up and floating them in vinegar, and frying the green ones

[2:25 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

I don't mind tomato-flavored things like spaghetti sauce or ketchup

But the less large chunks of tomato the better

[2:25 PM] 

So even sliced when they don't explode is no good

[2:25 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

They're just weird and tend to detract from whatever I eat with them in it

Like on a burger

No reason for a cold wet vegetable to be on there

[2:32 PM] 

But ketchup is OK?

[2:32 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Ketchup's fine

Spaghetti sauce is okay as long as it doesn't have chunks of tomatoes in it

I'll eat tomato if it's on something and I can't pick it off, but it detracts from what else is there.

Sun dried tomatoes are okay from what I recall

Because they're not bad cold water

Tomatoes seem to be very unpopular amongst a segment of the population.

Maybe there's something genetic that passed down in certain people have that makes it hit their tastebuds differently than others

[3:02 PM] 

I have noticed that objection about tomatoes more than most veggies.  Onion maybe second but a far one.

(50K BCE.  The Neanderthal “Zac Efron” tries the new red fruit everyone else is raving about)

"Blech!  That tastes like bad water. Hell-ooo ladies! Wanna fuck?"

If your proposal is correct, Mr. Blue, tomato aversion should be easily traceable.

How are you with other nightshades?  Potato, peppers, goji, and the nigh inedible "eggplant".

[3:11 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Potatoes are fine, peppers are kind of similar, I don't recall ever eating eggplant.

Actually, I remember I've had eggplant Parmesan

Not a favorite

[3:13 PM] 

People keep insisting to me that food can be made from eggplant. 

I've had it in a middle eastern dish and liked it because I couldn't tell.

It's just...bitter.

"You've just never had it prepared well."

"Logically correct."

[3:15 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

That goes for lots of things

You could probably prepare tree bark to be edible, maybe even decent

[3:24 PM] 

Nod...Chefs in New Orleans can probably cook eggplant, because they apparently can make ANY garbage base ingredient fantastic.

"This is amazing!  What is it?"

"Cajun Delta Mud with Blackened Flatworms and Eggplant, mon frère."

 (Wolfs down another heaping spoonful and reaches for the pot)

"So I should be throwing up now?"

"Oui."

[2:33 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

This guy starts every thought with "here's the idea"

This guy needs to stop saying "here's the idea"

Its driving me nuts

[2:46 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Say it back

[2:46 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

We are getting nowhere

There is no IDEA

[2:46 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Say it to him

Is it like a tic or is he being a douche?

[2:52 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Every time he explains something

Not being a dick

Its a tic. Its definitely a tic

[2:54 PM] 

Start saying something like "boing" every so often.

When he gets irritated, explain it as a tic you get when people say "here's the idea"

[2:56 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

“Here's the idea.”

“Tony Danza.”

“What?”

“Every time somebody says 'here's the idea', I say Tony Danza. Sorry.”

[1:41 PM] 

Client: MASTERMONICO, JEN

(Ellis Island officer) "Next.  Name please."

"You must help me.  I'm Albert I, the true prince of Monaco.  I escaped on a tramp steamer.  A pretender has replaced me and there are assassins everywhere!"

"Just your name, please."

"I told you - Albert I...Master of Monaco.  I need political asylum!"

[1:43 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

Heheh

[1:43 PM] 

"(writing)Albert...Master...monico.  Take this card to President Roosevelt over in the Political Asylum line...Window 7. Welcome to America, your Highness. Next."

[10:54 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I got my yerba mate in the mail. It's good for you.  Very popular in South America

[10:54 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Kinda like cabag or kal

[10:55 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Loose leaf as well as tea bags.  I have 2 bags with me if you wanna try.  Anyone?

[11:01 AM]  Mr. Blue: 

No thanks, already had some caffeine

Google says yerba mate has about as much as coffee does

[11:03 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Yeah, I would like to try substituting this for coffee.  I can drink black coffee if its good coffee, but the shit here I can't

[11:40 AM] 

I'll try an exotic tea, sure

[11:41 AM]  Mr. Brown: 

Been thinking about getting gun powder green tea

[11:42 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I'll swing by on my lunch, Mr. Silver

[11:44 AM] 

K

I might actually still have some gunpower at home.

(the tea, I mean)

[11:46 AM]  Mr. McGreen: 

I’ve got your gunpower right here *rolls up sleeves*

[1:31 PM] 

Ok...I have not had this tea

However

The taste is reminiscent of something very odd to me.

[1:31 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

A taste you’ve not tasted in years...

[1:31 PM] 

No

[1:32 PM]  Mr. Blue: 

We've secretly replaced Mr. Silvers's yerba mate with pure opium extract, let's see if he notices.

[1:32 PM] 

The taste is reminiscent of something very odd to me. There is a period merchant's stand called "Smoke and Fire" that shows up at the Pennsic War, and at Penn's Colony to serve the French & Indian War recreationists. It's an uncanny experience - a combo of leather, horn, raw woodwork, period oils and black powder. It's one of the more bizarre things I've ever run into. This yerba mate tastes like their tent smells. Oh...and tobacco...lots of loose tobacco. This is not a bad thing - it's a very cool merchant.

“Yerba Mate - A dangerous frontier in every cup!” 

[1:36 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Tastes like Life

[1:36 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Want some Mr. Brown?

[1:36 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Is it in a bag?

[1:36 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

Yes

[2:25 PM] 

It sure isn't just a caffeine rush, I can tell you that. 

[2:25 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

The erection will go away within 4 hours

[2:25 PM] 

Hehehe

"If it lasts more than 4 hours, consult a nice Argentinian girl"

[2:27 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I can feel the TEA

It's attacking my CHI

[2:27 PM] 

So this is not a drug, eh? 

This is going to make my day feel longer.  I'm convinced I'm looking at things, comprehending, typing, clicking and processing everything much more accurately. 

So I assume I'm passed out in my cube and dreaming it.  Someone check please.

[2:30 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

I can feel the tea Vibrating through me

[2:33 PM] 

(native) "Oh, the tea doesn't taste like much of anything, so we load it with cocaine for flavor."

"That's not written on the box."

"Sure it is...second ingredient 'natural flavors'."

[2:40 PM]  Mr. Brown: 

Mr. McGreen made his own tea. We are an experiment now

Just wait til I become a hulking thing man beast

[2:40 PM]  Mr. McGreen: 

With breasts

Its full of estrogen

"This is Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown has bitch tits"