437 - How To Get A Paranoid Nut Off Your Back For Good, Klaatu Barada Blotto, Five O'Clock Shade, and Exploiting Mr. Silver's 15 Seconds of Fame

[10:53 AM] Ms. Rose:

Remember the emair I forwarded, from the extremely paranoid but extremely wordy client, Eileen? We really opened up a can of worms. She's emailed 23 times since. Now she thinks people are getting in to her emairs and "truncating" them. She sent 9 emairs, starting at 2:00 AM today.

And she keeps "asking" for me directly, in each email. And wants us to keep all of her messages "in confidence."

[10:55 AM] Mr. Silver:

Yay!  Love a good paranoiac

[11:05 AM] Ms. Rose:

She is SCARY. I mean, I can send you all 23 emairs if you want some light reading. (Her emails are maybe being truncated because she sends 987 paragraphs at a time.)

[11:19 AM] Mr. Silver:

Try this from a throwaway email address:

"Dear Eileen.  There is no time to explain.  You need to borrow a car - do NOT use your own or call anyone like a taxi - and get to the municipal airport in (city).  Look for a man in a blue ball cap and start a loud and physical argument.  We'll extract you as soon as we have confirmation."

[11:57 AM] Mr. Silver:

This weekend's films were "Robinson Crusoe on Mars" (adventure!), "How to Steal a Million" (clever criminal funny!), "Bedazzled" (original - funny and thought provoking!) and the original "Day the Earth was Going to Stand Still if Mr. Silver Hadn't had a Third Double Shot of Vodka After 11PM"  (unfinished)

[1:05 PM] Ms. Rose:

"The Day the Earth was Going to Stand Still if Mr. Silver Hadn't had a Third Double Shot of Vodka After 11PM (Unfinished)"?

I love that movie!

Klaatu barada nikto

[1:06 PM] Mr. Silver:

It actually put me to sleep! I don't remember that ever happening with that film before I turned 21!  It can't have been me binging!

[1:06 PM] Mr. Brown:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4124254/Clean-shaven-ghost-hunter-claims-spirit-one-William-Conqueror-s-favourite-barons-gave-haunted-BEARD-investigation-14th-century-castle.html

Ghosts giving beards. Wow

[1:11 PM] Mr. Silver:

"Mr. Alexander (pictured on left, un-sexy) knew something was wrong when he was swarmed by the team women, who cooed a lot and rubbed his chin.  But after leaving the investigation they no longer pay attention to him again."

[1:52 PM] Mr. Silver:

Oh, if all else doesn't fail I'm going to be on TV

[2:04 PM] Ms. Rose:

?

[3:20 PM] Mr. Silver:

Sorry for setting that up and disappearing...today turned into The Suck

Months back I failed to go to a casting call for a new Netflix series called "(Show)" due to the POS car. 

[3:21 PM] Mr. Brown:

Yeah, we started talking then BOOM

[3:23 PM] Mr. Silver:

And so, when Mrs. Silver got a message on FB saying they were doing another call for extras in (town) I drove over on Friday and stood in line...

Gave some particulars

[3:23 PM] Mr. Brown:

Looks interesting

[3:23 PM] Mr. Silver:

They took some pictures and I went home

Saturday I got a call offering my the part of "Guy who drives up in pickup and then gets out to unload 'Hollywood Junk'."

[3:26 PM] Ms. Rose:

Neat!

[3:27 PM] Mr. Brown:

Well at least they did not choose you to be a murderer

[3:27 PM] Mr. Silver:

I believe the 2 minute interview included "Ooo.  Great hair."

Anyway...considering the desires of 'my public', I accepted the job.

Mr. Brown, I would have adored being picked to be a murderer...

[3:28 PM] Mr. Brown:

Now I have to watch it and pause it

I KNOW THAT GUY!

[3:33 PM] Mr. Silver:

Like Stanislavski said: "There are no small parts, just small actors who get to be background dressing."

[3:33 PM] Mr. Brown:

Make it the best acting ever

“I believe my character is from the Midwest. He traveled here because the farm he was running had to be sold. Now he delivers things in this old pickup truck.”

lol

[3:35 PM] Mr. Silver

“Your motivation?  Your motivation is I need you off the set in about 5 minutes.”

(Next morning - Mr. Silver)

I'm not on the IMDb page yet...

I'll just have to do it myself, like all these other people clearly did.

[8:49 AM] Mr. Blue:

How's that?

I wonder how a film gets on there

[8:57 AM] Mr. Silver:

Not sure.

And I'm referring to the thing from yesterday about me getting an Extra part on a TV show.

[8:59 AM] Mr. Brown:

I forget the name of the show now

[8:59 AM] Mr. Silver:

"(Show)"

[9:00 AM] Mr. Blue:

Oh that

That's badass, Mr. Silver

[9:02 AM] Mr. Brown:

He is a guy unloading a truck from what he said yesterday

[9:03 AM] Mr. Blue:

Where'd you find out about castings

I'd love to do that, especially for something legit like that

[9:04 AM] Mr. Brown:

“Your inspiration for this scene is this shit has to get out of the truck or a bomb will go off.”

(proceeds to start throwing things out of the truck hastily)

[9:04 AM] Mr. Blue:

You should try and sneak in *multiple* parts

Viewers will be like "that guy keeps showing up!  He's gotta be involved in the plot!"

Just look at the camera and wink and give a thumbs up

Wear something anachronistic like a bluetooth

"Time traveling truck driver unloading Hollywood junk throughout history"

[9:06 AM] Mr. Brown:

“Sir, stop doing that."

“Doing what?"

“Winking and giving a thumbs up.”

[9:07 AM] Mr. Silver:

"Cut!  Hey!  Guy with the ponytail!  Yeah!  Could you please stop walking in shot and mugging for the camera?"

[9:11 AM] Mr. Brown:

Do clothing quick-changes

[9:11 AM] Mr. Silver:

"Cut!!!  Funky Chicken guy!  Back out of the murder scene please!"

[9:11 AM] Mr. Blue:

lol

It's set in the South but they're filming around here

Better work on your southern drawl, Mr. Silver

[9:31 AM] Mr. Silver:

Gasp!

"I'm just not feeling 'South', Mr. Director.  I need bib overalls and moonshine!  Stat!"

[9:34 AM] Mr. Brown:

Mamma always said life is like a box of perogies

[9:35 AM] Ms. Rose:

HAHAHA, Mr. Brown!

[9:37 AM] Mr. Silver:

"...it ain't like heaven but it's alright if served with enough butter, onion, kielbasa and sour cream."

[9:39 AM] Ms. Rose:

"Mamma always said Life is like a box of chocolates - A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."

[10:06 AM] Mr. Silver:

(I pull a box from truck) "Got that box'a bloody hammers you wanted me to git from yer shed an' hide from the FEDs here, Doc.  Lot a long hair on 'em.  Want 'em washed a'fore I bury them in the basement?"

(director) "CUT!!!  CUT CUT CUT!!!  Did someone give you a season two script, 'truck guy'?"

(me) "Well, no.  But it was just so predictable I thought the line would add some acute tension to the killer and prompt the doctor to tighten his MO.  Plus I was hoping you could use the line to segue into a nice death scene for me."

[12:08 PM] Mr. Blue:

Do you have to drive the truck, or will they have a stunt double do that?

[12:09 PM] Mr. Silver:

Driving it

[12:09 PM] Mr. Brown:

(future resume) "Do my own stunts"

LOL

[12:09 PM] Mr. Blue:

Is it stick?

[12:09 PM] Mr. Silver:

I assume I'm going to roll about 10'

[12:10 PM] Mr. Brown:

Mr. Blue and I should show up and just walk onto set by accident

[12:10 PM] Ms. Rose:

I can't come along?

[12:10 PM] Mr. Silver: 

Of course you can.

"I brought my entourage."

(Producer) "That was an awesome 10' roll, brake, exit and box lift!  Would you be interested in pushing a cart in “Guardians of the Galaxy 3”?"

[12:11 PM] Mr. Blue:

There are probably extras that are like that

They're like the Wilhelm Scream of extras...they're in everything but you rarely notice

[12:13 PM] Ms. Rose:

"Where's my trailer?"

[12:18 PM] Mr. Blue:

Make sure you *act* like it's the late 70s

Hum the riff for "Smoke on the Water" non-stop

Or maybe your character is going through a disco phase

[12:27 PM] Mr. Brown:

You could find events that occurred and mention them.

Jan 13 "King of Schnorrers" closes at Playhouse Theater NYC after 63 performances

that's in 1980

[12:29 PM] Mr. Silver:

(talking around a chaw of baccy, carrying box) "God dammit! I missed the last performance of King of Schnorrers!"

[12:31 PM] Mr. Blue:

(to a person off screen)  "I tell ya hhhwat. I can't believe it's 1979 and Jimmy Carter is the current president of the YOU-nited States."

[12:31 PM] Mr. Silver:

Oh!  I DID plan that.

Driving there, thinking of the time period

"Maybe I'll sing the Jimmy Carter peanut song."

(to tune of Oscar Meyer bologna jingle)

"My peanut has a first name...it's J I M M Y..."

"My peanut has a second name...it's C A R T R..."  (Republicans couldn't spell in the 70s)

"(Forget the words forget the words its been a really long long tiiiime)"

"'Cause Jimmy Carter has a way of screwing up the USA..."

OOO!!!! OOOO!!!!

I'll get my own TV show drinking game!!!

"Anytime Mr. Silver appears on a TV crime drama, chug a 5th!"

...that would be kind of fun to trick people into, actually...

Make up a bunch of goofy rules and get the mood up, then throw in "Hey!  If I show up on the show, everybody has to chug!"

[2:23 PM] Mr. Blue:

LOL

Yes!

Tell nobody else about being on the show!

436 - "No One Gets IT Support Without Singing The Blues", Mail-Order Jerkface, "For Good Cheer Call Stacy's Mom", Adulturated Pool, A New Business For A Great 'Murica!, and The Accurate Really True Honest History Of Oreo Biscuits!

[10:12 AM] Ms. Rose:

I am so tired. Is it 5:30 yet?

[10:15 AM] Mr. Silver:

Yes

On that note, is it just me, or when an agent working from home opens up their call with something like "When I woke up this morning", do you always hear a Blues riff after?

[10:17 AM] Mr. Blue:

lol

buh NUH NUH nuh

"and my internet wa'n't workin'"

[10:18 AM] Mr. Silver:

Yes

"And when I got home last night..."

buh nuh NAH NAH NAH nuh

"the net still wasn't working..."

buh nuh NAH NAH NAH nuh

I just can't help hearing it if the tone and the pause is right

[10:21 AM] Ms. Rose:

So many words.

[10:21 AM] Mr. Silver:

I've been like that since I got drunk at a house party and we played "Nobody gets out of here without singing the blues"

[10:23 AM] Ms. Rose:

Who wants to edit my emairs today?

[10:23 AM] Mr. Silver:

(changes r to l) there you go

I'd have to be drunk to play that game...it's hard to get me to even talk at parties

[10:29 AM] Ms. Rose:

...that's what she said?

[11:53 AM] Ms. Rose:

HUGE Jerkface.
   [11:51 AM] Mr. Oleo:

   You wanna take a half day and leave at 1?

   [11:51 AM] Ms. Rose:

   No. I would like to stay here and attempt to write some good emairs, in between naps.

   [11:51 AM] Mr. Oleo:

   okie

   [11:52 AM] Ms. Rose:

   Honey. Why do you do these things to me?

   I have a very small brain. I cannot make decisionings.

   [11:52 AM] Mr. Oleo:

   It's no problem at all if you want to stay

[12:06 PM] Mr. Silver:

Where's the jerkface part?

There's the Snarkgirl superpower stuff.

[12:08 PM] Ms. Rose:

*signs Silver up for monthly Jerkface Club meetings*

[12:09 PM] Mr. Silver:

(Holds out "Life Member" card for inspection)

[12:09 PM] Ms. Rose:

*takes another nap on desk*  *hopes that Silver won't share this with the Russians*

[12:10 PM] Mr. Silver:

(Jerks card from Ms. Rose's grasp when she reaches for it)

Russia loves you

[12:11 PM] Ms. Rose:

If only they provided as many mail-order husbands as they do brides.

[12:13 PM] Mr. Silver:

(Anthropologist interest piqued... Search "mail order husband")

Well...it exists.

[12:15 PM] Ms. Rose:

Hey, I'm a member of the postcard club online. So I'm kind of a big deal.

[12:16 PM] Mr. Silver:

"Hey ladies!" 

[12:16 PM] Ms. Rose:

You are a more terribler person than me, Mr. Silver.

[12:17 PM] Mr. Silver:

Sorry...it sounded like a Benny Hill skit

In cases like this, I always hear the standup of a Japanese comedian who never made it but ended up on HBO once.

She had a heavy accent, but it was roughly:

"How can a woman be homeless?  How that possible?  She's a woman.  Just get a man, right?  It easy.  I mean, I see how a man can get homeless, because men are sometimes e-stupid."

I always wondered if she picked that up that extra E from Spanish.

So...what kind of estupid men end up in a mail-order situation anyway?

[12:25 PM] Mr. Blue:

Sounds like Miss Swan

[12:26 PM] Mr. Silver:

Miss Swan might well have been inspired by her...it was long before that character, though.

[12:26 PM] Ms. Rose:

I am so tired. Have I mentioned this?

[9:48 AM] Ms. Rose:

I just wrote on the "Good Cheer" wall. I stated: “For a good time call 867-5309”. Do yinz think I'll be fired?

[9:58 AM] Mr. Blue:

Is that the one that says "attitude fresh up a grilling"?

[9:59 AM] Ms. Rose:

It used to. For many many months. But now it's just some construction paper with markers and lots of opportunities for...nice workplace words. (devil)

[10:00 AM] Mr. Blue:

Write on there "Investigate 9/11"

[10:00 AM] Mr. Silver:

There's some of good cheer, right there

[10:06 AM] Ms. Rose:

Stacy complained about my 867-5309 comment. So I'm copying/pasting all the lyrics to "Stacy's Mom" in a very not passive-aggressive way. (Did I mention I went to bed at 5:00 AM? I am too tired for a filter.)

[10:07 AM] Mr. Silver:

Joke’s on her, really

[10:07 AM] Mr. Blue:

That didn't take long for someone to complain

Like 19 minutes?

[10:08 AM] Mr. Silver:

Ms. Rose "I wished to provide good cheer at the expense of all the grumps who couldn't be bothered to 'get it'. Me?  Despite this disciplinary meeting, I'm laughing like crazy on the inside."

[10:08 AM] Ms. Rose:

Maybe "complain" is a strong word. But those lyrics about her mom put Stacy right in her place. (I just want to sleep!)

[10:09 AM] Mr. Blue:

Heir to the diner & car wash empire

[10:10 AM] Ms. Rose:

And for real, that video of "Stacy's Mom" kinda makes me want to go back to All-Girls College.

[1:20 PM]Ms. Rose

    [1:16 PM] Linda:

    Hello!  Would you like to revise the email for the Superbowl pool.....Squares going fast

    ... something to that effect?

Have a look please...(emairs)

[1:24 PM] Mr. Silver:

"You squares need to get in the pool, fast."

[1:24 PM] Ms. Rose:

YASSS! (y)

[1:25 PM] Mr. Silver:

"If you want your 'square' to have any effect, it costs $10, same as downtown."

"For a good time call 867-5309."

[1:25 PM] Ms. Rose:

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)(rofl) Well remembered.

I triple dog dare yinz to make me put that in the emair. Linda never reads ANYTHING before forwarding. I could slip it in between the countdown clock and the Terrible Towel.

I want to, sooooo bad! (Really, really need to sleep.)

[1:32 PM] Mr. Silver:

Just put Linda's name on it

[1:40 PM] Ms. Rose:

Sending my "draft" to Linda. Guess how many minutes before she just sends it to everyone.

[1:41 PM] Mr. Silver:

What text did you end up ending your career with?

[1:42 PM] Ms. Rose:

I added "For a good time call 867-5309" at the very bottom, but in white text.

[1:42 PM] Mr. Silver:

Hehe

Sneaky

[1:43 PM] Ms. Rose:

Whatev. I will be an extremely sleepy goddess if she sends this out to everyone. Any minute now.

[3:10 PM] Ms. Rose:

We're kind of like circus monkeys.

[3:11 PM] Mr. Silver:

Drive little chariots in ancient Rome?

I agree

[3:25 PM] Ms. Rose:

Considering the current climate, I was thinking of opening a business called “TRADITIONS OF AMERICA WITH THE KILLING OF BALDING EAGLES WITH OUR GOD-GIVEN GUNS, INC.”

[3:27 PM] Mr. Silver:

(CEO) "Our goal at TAKBEGGG, INC is to make America traditional again!  Back to 16 hour factory days for 8 year olds and native genocide!  Cyanide gold extraction and coal coal coal!"

[3:27 PM] Ms. Rose:

Maybe in Comic Sans

That makes prefect sense to me. *sleeping on desk again again*

[3:31 PM] Mr. Silver:

(CEO) "In these dark days of America's post-Obama retro-birth, I always think back to a quote from Myles Standish as they were robbing redskin graves to get through that terrible first winter - 'Anything good in that one?'."

[2:49 PM] Mr. Silver:

Ugh... Hate original Oreos...

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2015/01/mysteries-oreo/

---

"In 1890, 8 New York City bakeries that had no qualified creative chefs got together and threw money at the problem. They build a giant 6-story factory the watched to see if anything would come out for the next eight years”

“In 1901, still failing to cook anything good, they clubbed and skinned the staff of the American Biscuit and Manufacturing Company and raided their recipes.  But they were just as bad."

"In 1912 they tried to make biscuits but they ended up making 3 cookies by mistake instead."

"The 'Trio', as they came to be known, consisted of

“The Mother Goose Biscuit (fois gras between pancakes)

"The Veronese Biscuit (Parmesan patties with hard salami paste covered in marinara)

"and The Oreo Biscuit (bad tasting chalky carbon disks with a dusting of bitter

chocolate, with a lard and sugar filling)

"Several factories were burned to the ground after the Trio was introduced to the public, leaving only Oreos intact within the military tins that were purchased to be fired at the Germans in France during the war.

"Starving to death, the allied troops fell in love with Oreos and a cookie empire was born."

---

Fun as it was to re-write that history, it was most amusing to read far enough down to find out they actually stole the recipe.