Day 231 - T.S. Amethyst's Book Of Dubious Cats, "Cause I'm A Female - F E E M A L E", A Half-Mad Dungeon Master, and "Call Me Astrium. Some Years Ago..."

2:43 PM Mr. Amethyst

Anyone want a cat?

No tail, real fat.

2:44 PM Mr. Gray

No thanks. I'm full.

2:45 PM Mr. Amethyst

I have a second option.

Smaller, lots of fur, has tail.

2:45 PM Mr. Gray

Your kid?

2:45 PM Mr. Amethyst

No no.  Smaller.

2:47 PM Mr. Silver

Does this cat squeak, eat garbage, beat up your cat and it ate its tail?

2:48 PM Mr. Amethyst

Almost all of that.

2:48 PM Mr. Silver

The tail...hairless?  Kind of scaly looking?

2:49 PM Mr. Gray

Horns? Claws? Fangs?

2:49 PM Mr. Amethyst

No. That’s my kid.

2:49 PM Mr. Gray

You see why I was confused

3:33 PM Mr. Blue

"I’m a woman, so please bear with me on this."

3:34 PM Mr. Gray

Yet if you implied she couldn’t do it because she was a woman, you'd be fired. LOL

3:34 PM Mr. Silver

Yup

3:38 PM Mr. Silver

Mr. Pig Iron and I used to go into a routine if a guy said female in conversation instead of woman or something else appropriate.

We'd adopt a monotone alien accent and say "FEE MALE!"

"We must collect a sample of the FEE MALE of this species!"

"This one is fascinating and is FEE MALE!"

3:41 PM Mr. Blue

"Woman" tends to sound derogatory.

I tend to say female.

3:42 PM Mr. Brown

I say girl a lot.

Then think “well, actually…”

LOL

3:42 PM Mr. Silver

All mating species have a “female”.

Only humans have women, sir.

3:42 PM Mr. Brown

Woolly booby thingy

Long hard milk maker

Haired

3:43 PM Mr. Silver

Gonna say...you seem confused, Mr. Brown.

3:44 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

I saw that.  Now can't stop laughing.

3:44 PM Mr. Amethyst

Yea...that was strange.  I’m not comfortable in here anymore.

3:44 PM Mr. Brown

That was a very badly typed sentence.

3:45 PM Mr. Silver

Are we to understand your...um...wife…has one of these milk maker things?

So did she just bring in the baby one day and say "congratulations!"?

3:46 PM Mr. Brown

LOL

3:47 PM Mr. Blue

Mr. Brown complimenting a woman -

"Damn girl! Those are the longest breasts I ever seen!"

"So hard…Like construction cones!  I’m all horny!"

3:48 PM Mr. Silver

A female girl woman.

And she’s a lady, too!

3:48 PM Mr. Gray

Umm...if you are milking something long and hard, I'm glad I don’t have cereal at your house.

3:48 PM Mr. Amethyst

HAHAHAHAHA

3:48 PM Mr. Silver

Ooooo.....

Also ewww.

11:03 AM Mr. Silver

So...basically you have a 5 dungeon plan and a final conflict.

11:03 AM Mr. Amethyst

Sort of.   Let me email you.

11:48 AM Mr. Silver

(Reads it)

GAH!

A village of half gnomes!?

11:48 AM Mr. Amethyst

Yea

Just the ick factor.

11:49 AM Mr. Silver

I kept them earth elementals in my setting.

I don't have "half" anythings in my campaign world.

11:51 AM Mr. Amethyst

Fantasy gamers like inter-species mingling, I suppose.

11:52 AM Mr. Silver

I blame Tolkien in a way, even though there are plenty of human/fairy mixes in tales.  Even then the kids always went one way or the other.

12:12 PM Mr. Silver

I just said to Hell with it after running into too many bizarre mixed societies that would never happen and banned them.  Biologically incompatible.

12:13 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

12:13 PM Mr. Silver

"No, you can't be from a village of half-elves. This stuff is RARE, guys.  There were only a few half-elves in all of Middle Earth history and even they had to choose elf or human anyway."

12:41 PM Mr. Silver

Make your half gnomes actual halves of gnomes.

12:42 PM Mr. Amethyst

Just the legs?

12:42 PM Mr. Silver

Thinking split down the middle.

12:42 PM Mr. Amethyst

Hopping around?

12:42 PM Mr. Silver

They strap two expert left/right halves together for special purposes.

Right...they’d hop.

12:44 PM Mr. Silver

"Yadda yadda yadda…it was a curse...if we haven't broken it in 340 years, you won't be able to either...what do you boys need?"

1:07 PM Mr. Silver

"You want the Village of the Half Gnomes?  (Looks leery) They're down this path if you really wanna go.  (Shudders)"

1:10 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

1:17 PM Mr. Silver

This bit here - why a “50% chance” of a fight?

Just do it or don't.

1:18 PM Mr. Amethyst

Yeah.  Die roll.

LOL

1:18 PM Mr. Silver

Nay!  Beat their heads!

1:18 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

1:25 PM Mr. Silver

"My notes say there's a 50/50 chance of a big fight here.  Lemme roll it.  (roll a die where you can't even see the result, and don't bother looking afterward.)  Ooooo!  Tough luck...this is gonna hurt!"

"But, you didn't - "

(glare) 

"...And because of Jim, now my attacker's first move it to summon a demon...any more comments?"

"By the way, I'll be using Big Jule’s dice from ‘Guys & Dolls’ for this encounter."

(I assume you know that gag)

1:30 PM Mr. Amethyst

Hahaha

Never seen that one.

1:31 PM Mr. Silver

The armed crook, Big Jule, played with his own "dice".  He threw blank cubes and told everyone what he rolled until he "won" the money.

1:33 PM Mr. Amethyst

LOL

Mr. Blue

Oh wow, this is on CNN's front page http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/18/world/space-junk-harpoon/index.html?hpt=hp_c4

1:02 PM Mr. Brown

Yeah, I was gonna tell you that but got distracted.

LOL

1:10 PM Mr. Silver

SPAAAAAACE harpoooooon!

1:11 PM Mr. Blue

Maybe that's what all the strings are in old sci-fi movies.

1:12 PM Mr. Silver

"Whosoever of ye raises me a white-sided satellite with a crumpled dish and a crooked solar panel; whosoever of ye raises me that white-sided derelict, with three holes punctured in its starboard access panel - look ye, whosoever of ye raises me that same white space junk, he shall have this gold ounce, my boys!"

(captain nails coin to hydrazine tank...Space Pequod explodes)

1:12 PM Mr. Blue

Heh

Funny how even modern sci fi films show gravity in space ships with no explanation as to how they are doing it.

1:13 PM Mr. Blue

I watched a 50's sci fi the other day. I forget what it was called. They left the ship and went out into space in only a helmet.

It just kinda rested on their shoulders.

1:13 PM Mr. Silver

Hehe

1:14 PM Mr. Blue

And the woman on board knew nothing about space at all, and just cooked breakfast and wore a mini skirt.

1:15 PM Mr. Silver

Sounds like a dandy film.

1:15 PM Mr. Blue

“Manhunt in Space”

1:15 PM Mr. Silver

Was she the one hunting a man?

1:16 PM Mr. Blue

Heh, no.

1:16 PM Mr. Silver

"Whoever can last longest out there without an environment suit can have me."

(spacemen push and shove) "Me first!  No me!  Outta my way!"

1:16 PM Mr. Blue

Sally Mansfield.

I guess she's done other stuff.

1:16 PM Mr. Blue

And the spaceship has a freaking steering wheel, and rolling chairs.

1:17 PM Mr. Silver

I'm a “two-levers-do-everything” man, myself.

1:19 PM Mr. Blue

Wow! If you Google image search Manhunt in Space and go a ways down, you get pictures of the Tsarnaev brothers.

1:20 PM Mr. Silver

"The FBI briefly brought NASA in on the manhunt before a NASA rep laughed and hung up the phone."

1:23 PM Mr. Blue

"Astronauts on MIR and the international space station are asked to remain extremely vigilant."

1:33 PM Mr. Silver

"Astronauts are urged not to wander around outside their spacecrafts today."